Archive for January, 2009

How I became an expert

Tuesday, January 20th, 2009

are-you-an-expertjpgThat is something that happens backwards. First I learned a lot of “stuff”: Techniques, methods, solutions and protocols. I thought I was very skillful, but the most important was still missing. As I met women that were more experienced, more advanced, and more sensual than I ever seen before, that opened my eyes to a very simple fact: What makes you an “expert” is not your resources and devices and methods, but your capacity to connect to women emotionally. Being capable to feel them, learn from them, but most of all love them deeply, is what makes you a man they want to be with. And we know that love is the only binding that truly holds.

I then became secure enough to laugh at myself and the absurdities of life.  Courageous enough to accept assistance. Open minded enough to learn new things. Strong enough to grow. My tools are mind, body, spirit and soul with a little help from rope, handcuffs and blindfold. I understand that each partner gains most from pleasuring the other.

Who have I learned from?

Monday, January 19th, 2009

Those that have been there before me. Those that have more experience and learned the same things I am learning now, but a lot earlier.

I wouldn’t ask for any financial advice from someone that doesn’t have a lot more money than I have. I also wouldn’t ask for legal advice from someone that isn’t a lot more qualified in this field than I am. So why would I ever ask advice about relationships, sex, or attraction from someone that knows as much as I do?

What is the learning path to this lifestyle?

Sunday, January 18th, 2009

I can’t suggest any learning path other than my own. I can look back and see the lessons I learned, the mistakes I made, and the education I gathered and I can draw some suggestions from that. Please take it for what it is worth: A suggestion drawn from my personal experience.

I read a lot! Even when I didnt have any money to buy books I used to visit public libraries and read anything that could show me how to understand people, psychology, anthropology, history, philosophy.

I went to swingers clubs and kinky clubs and talked to people. I had the courage to ask those that were in those lifestyles for a long time for advice. I listened and observed.

But most important of all, I practiced! When the opportunity came to be in relationships with interesting women, who were open-minded, adventurous, and curious like me I went straight to the point and told them I wanted to learn and experienced everything I could, and asked them to join me on that discovery. When you tell that honestly, open your heart and show that you really want to become a better lover, a better friend, and a better man, what woman would refuse to play along?

Intensity is important

Saturday, January 17th, 2009

My relationships have been characterized as more challenging and more rewarding. They take more trust, more honesty, and more openness than most. We get more pleasure and also build up a deeper level of respect and support than most people ever do.

Too much of a good thing is a good thing, says a popular country song, but I think there is really a point where any relationship can be over the line. The test is asking “Is this relationship enhancing my life at this moment, or is it taking from it?”

If a relationship is very intense that doesn’t mean it is likely to last longer, or that the links that keep us together are too difficult to break. The notorious difference is that when it ends it rarely ends badly, and I have several of my past relationships as friends today. Even when things go wrong its not as bad as in most monogamous marriages. There is not a lot of drama, no bitching, and I have been friends with women that left me even a long time ago.

Knowledge is power

Wednesday, January 14th, 2009

What makes relationships more intense and rewarding?

Education! It’s definitely about what we know. I can say that I only reached the point where I am now and surrounded myself with smart, sexy, wonderful and exciting people because I learned some much from my past relationships and from people that had more experience and took the time to tell me what worked for them.

More educated and more mature people are capable to appreciate the nuances and details of the world around them better than others.

Knowledge is power.

Where to have profiles online?

Tuesday, January 13th, 2009

With your interests in mind, check all social networks, dating web sites, professional listings, and any other social resource you can find online that serves the purpose of connecting people with the same interests as yours. Very specialized sites are great, but even if you use them you should also participate in at least one other social network and one for business/connection purposes.

I don’t use eHarmony.com or any other dating web site intensely geared towards monogamous relationships, but maybe you should. Dating web sites for alternative lifestyles are the best for me. But even regular dating web sites are fine as long as you post on your profile a conspicuous disclaimer telling the truth.

Even on dating sites where non-monogamous relationships are common or expected I like to say this:

“The fact that I am here looking for women doesn’t mean I don’t have any. So I am in no hurry and will focus on quality rather than quantity.”

Here are some of the web sites I used in the past and/or present:

SeekingArrangement.com
FetLife.com

I also use some social networks:

FaceBook.com
ASmallWorld.net
CouchSurfing.org

The three aphrodisiacs

Monday, January 12th, 2009

It seems you can’t order oysters at a restaurant without someone saying “Oysters are aphrodisiacs! What are you up to today?” or some similar moronic comment. No, oysters are not aphrodisiacs, they are just another overpriced mollusk that happens to taste controversial.

There are three real aphrodisiacs.

Know them because if one of them doesn’t do it, one of the other two will.

The first one is wealth, the potential or willingness to add value to one’s reality. That value can come in the form of material wealth (money, gifts), power (connections, influence), or life style (fun, pleasure).

The second is curiosity. If you excite one’s curiosity enough you will generate enough attraction to bring the person towards you. Attraction can be the starting point to begin a relationship or even get to sex. But you need something more to bring the person to a much deeper level of intimacy and curiosity is the most straightforward  way to get to it.

The third one is dominance. Most women respond very well to true, positive dominance. If you ask them they will usually say otherwise, because they have been trained by society to say otherwise, but don’t pay attention to what they say: Look at what they do.

The root of the word ‘libertine’

Sunday, January 11th, 2009

“When he evades domestication, he also flees the constraints that seem to go hand in hand with marriage. He reminds wistful husbands, ensnarled in the claims of wives, children, and creditors, that the Latin root of ‘libertine’ is libertus - a freed slave”

From The Libertine on the Prowlhttp://libertine346.vox.com/profile/

What if I really like a woman and she is not into Poliamory?

Tuesday, January 6th, 2009

I took some time thinking about it as I knew I was taking an important decision in life. I knew that I had come to the cross-roads in my life and I would have to choose a path. Whichever the path I knew I would be losing something.

I know that during my life I will get to know women that I will admire and desire, and love, but will never have. At least won’t have in any lasting meaningful way because they want different things.

Take a decision early. Poliamory is not something you can snap in and out of quickly. It is a lifestyle that takes time building and takes energy maintaining. It will also filter the number of people that could possibly get involved with you to less than half of the general population. Furthermore, polyamorous relationships are more fluid and people tend to come in and get out of it in a fluid and dynamic way in a state of constant renewal.

So if a woman you really like will not agree to enter, or will not stay long in a polyamorous relationship, don’t be surprised or upset. Make her your friend, and be sure that there will be someone else just as great down your path.

Relationships are like books

Monday, January 5th, 2009

Most people can read more than one book during the same week. They read one a little bit, then the other, then back to the first one without losing track of where they are on each book. Some people can read several books at the same time like that. But I don’t think someone can read fifty books at the same time and still keep track of all of them. So there is some number that is the limit of how many books you can handle simultaneously. Similarly there is a number of relationships each person can handle, and it varies from person to person.

If you are reading different books they don’t have to be necessarily about the same subject. If one book is about politics for instance, the other books don’t need to be about politics as well. You can be reading one book about cooking, another about photography, one about dieting, another about computers, and so on. Similarly humans maintain relationships of different natures simultaneously. Different people play different roles in your life. But even within the somewhat narrower range of romantic and sexual relationships you can be having different types of relationships at the same time.

Some books you read in a day, during one long flight, or during a weekend. You like them for the short term and entertainment you get from them. Other books are big novels and you want to read them for a long period of time. Some books are references and you like to just go back to them every now and them when you feel the need.

When you finish reading a book don’t just drop it anywhere or leave it laying around out of place. Put it back on the shelf! Unfold the corners, make sure the cover is fine and remove page markers. Put it back on the shelf in good shape and with respect. The other books will see that is the way you treat a book and they will appreciate you more for that!

Every time you read a book it makes you smarter and more experienced, more prepared to read the next book that comes along. That is why it’s important to always read something. Even if you don’t have right now the exact book you would like to find, but there is a book of quality within reach and you have the opportunity, read it anyway for the experience it will give you.

Finally, it doesn’t matter how many times you read a book, the ending will still be the same.