I am a libertarian, and a libertine. The last thing you will see coming from me is a list of rules.

What I would like to do here is post a list of suggestions. These are suggestions that I believe are good because I have tried them and they worked very well for me… but I can’t guarantee they will work for you. Read about them, try them in your own life, and let me know how you liked it.

Clubs and bars

I don’t think going to a bar or club alone is a good idea.

I believe going to a bar or club with another guy is even worse.

If I do end up meeting with a guy friend at a bar and we don’t have any women with us by the time we go through the door, I will have him walk in before or after me, and we will “meet” inside the club, right after we started talking to some women.

The universe used to revolve around the Earth, then for some time the universe revolved around the Sun. Now it seems the universe revolves around the bar. I don’t agree with it. If the bar or nightclub is not your favorite environment to socialize I don’t think you should feel bad about it at all.

Turn your chair around so you will have your back to the bar and you will have a chance to position people around you.

Always look busy. Either you are talking to someone or you are doing something. You are never standing there with your drink in your hand, watching the action.

Conversations

I still can’t use standard openers, never tried very hard, and never will. I make up as I go and figure out some sort of opener that feels natural in the situation. A so-so opener that feels natural is better than a fabulous opener that you say and sound scripted.

I never got my head around the nagging thing. Still don’t like to use it at all and given the results I had so far I don’t think it is necessary.

If you are talking to a person and want to connect with her, position yourself to have your back towards the TV and people passing by. For me it is already difficult to concentrate, and I don’t want her to catch me glancing at the TV or sizing up another woman that walks by.

Turn your cell phone to vibrate and leave it inside your pocket, not on the table. If she interrupts the conversation to answer her phone, don’t say anything, but keep staring at the phone as if she took her dildo out of her purse. She will soon understand that you expect courteous behavior as well.

If she gets distracted with anything at all (friends, strangers, cell phone) for more than a few seconds, start a conversation with someone nearby. Anyone. Any conversation. And as soon as she brings her attention back to you, you do the same. Never sit there doing nothing, and looking at her, while she is talking to someone else.

Never offer your business card. Give it only to those that asked for it.

Body language

Don’t lean in.

If they can’t hear you, speak louder, but don’t lean in.

Walk like your favorite and most masculine movie star. Just emulate the way he walks at all times. Notice that he doesn’t lean in.

Good manners

Open the door. Not just for women. Open the door for friends, male or female. Open the door for strangers.

Give up your seat to the elderly or pregnant women. People tend to refuse so I usually look at the person in the eye as I stand up and say “Excuse me madam, please take this seat!”. I tone it to sound almost like an order, and smile when they accept it.

While walking on the sidewalk, take the outside.

Go up the stairs first, go down the stairs last.

Learn to behave at the table, how to use the silverware, napkin, etc.

If you are walking through a thick crowd, grab her hand and lead her through it.

Remember her name, when it matters

It is a basic rule of good manners to ask for and remember people’s names. From Dale Carnegie to telemarketers, everyone knows and repeats your name several times during the conversation. However…

When you are introduced to a large group, make things easy for yourself. First of all, if your name is not really easy to understand and pronounce, adopt a nickname. You are not diluting your identity, betraying your ancestors, or disrespecting your national roots. It is just a useful name to say across a table with 10 drunken people that don’t yet care who you are.

My name is relatively simple, but the spelling of it eludes most people and my stage name “Khaos” raises instant questions that will interrupt the introduction and are not questions I want to answer just yet. So when I am in a noisy environment or being introduced to 12 partygoers that I still don’t know if I will want to see the next day, I just say my name is “William”. Simple, everyone will understand, nobody will ask how do I spell it.

Later on when I start talking to a woman individually and she starts giving indicators of interest, she will probably ask me for my name. Then I tell her the real one. In the very unlikely event that she notices it is not the same name I say that “Milton is the real name, that I reserve just for my closest friends”.

Notice that I don’t apologize at all for not remembering. I just introduce myself as if we just met. Nobody will ever stop me and say “Hey, we were already introduced, don’t do it again!” You can even try that today. Start talking to some people at a bar, club, or party and introduce yourself to everyone. Then talk to someone specific and about a minute into the conversation introduce yourself to that person, with a slightly different name. Not only will that person  accept the introduction without flinching, but now you have had two chances to memorize her name.

I don’t blame you for not remembering the names of 10 people in the club, but if you are talking to someone and exchanged names twice, and you still can’t remember it, then shame on you.

Now that you know her name, use it

Use it occasionally. If you step away and you call her to reposition her in the group (more on that in another article), call her by name. If you know what her name means (and you do because you Googled it while she was away for a moment), tell her, and make it a conversation point. She will be surprised and, in some cases, amazed because she didn’t know about the meaning of her name herself!

I once said to a girl in Miami named Elena that she wasn’t congruent. She was puzzled and asked why. I explained that her name means “ray of light” and that when she didn’t smile she was projecting an image contrary to her name. So she should smile at all times. She took it very well and even when she got distracted with other people around, every time she saw me she opened up a wonderful smile, I believe because she remembered what I said.

Cards

So don’t bother trying to remember everyone’s names, especially when they will not remember yours. But definitely know, and use, the name of the person you are talking to.

I always carry with me some cards, in business card format, with my name and my contact information. I make those cards congruent with the environment. I have one card for my travels, a professional looking card, and one more with just my name and phone number, that I use in clubs.

But never, ever, ever offer your card. If the person didn’t ask for it your card is going to end up in the nearest trash can. It is a waste of time. Only give your card to someone that asked for it. If they didn’t ask, they didn’t care. Offering your card is a common and amateurish move, and if one day I get distracted and offer you my card before you asked for it, please slap my hand very hard. Thank you!