The basic blueprint

To understand the dynamics of dating in general it is important to have a certain understanding of our biological/evolutionary blueprint. This blueprint has a very simple purpose: to assure the continuation of our species. A simple task and done quite well, but not without some conflicts and misunderstandings that confuse people in modern societies.

Evolutionary theory suggests that a woman places significant emphasis on a man’s ability to provide resources and protection. These resources and protection are important in ensuring the successful raising of the woman’s offspring. The ability to provide resources and protection might also be sought because the underlying traits are likely to be passed on to male offspring. The theory also suggests that people whose physical features suggest they are healthy are seen as more attractive. However, from a reproductive standpoint women are torn between a mate that represents the best genetic health and will contribute survival characteristics to their children, versus the mate that will stick around long enough to help her raise the baby to the point of independence, which in humans is, regrettably, a very long time.

Alpha males, commonly represented by wild “bad boys” are the most capable of risk-taking, vitality and strength – survival characteristics from our genetic past. Seeking adventure and flirting with danger for fun is exactly the thing you’re looking for if your genetic history includes being chased around by large cats and having to kill invaders. So while these personality characteristics are sought out by females as representing genetic health and survival, history has shown they tend to make bad fathers, hence the conflict. They don’t always come home, or have a strong enough couple-bond to either the mother or the baby to raise it. So like all of us, their strength also defines their weakness.

Being a promiscuous rogue may be as successful a reproductive strategy as the strategy of being a reliable provider. According to an article in The Independent, there is a “dark triad” of personality traits associated with naturally occurring ‘bad boys’, consisting of narcissism, thrill-seeking, and deceitfulness. The attraction of beautiful women to the “bad boy” archetype is attributed both to his confidence, intriguing mystery, seeming indifference (suggesting an abundance of sexual options) and unavailability, which challenges women to chase him.

This contrasts with supplicating men who seem needy and desperate to please, suggesting lower value, and so they are less attractive. The more stable male that will stick with the mother and raise the kids may not have the strongest survival characteristics, at least in the world that shaped our genetic heritage.

Evolutionary psychologist Professor Bill von Hippel claims that women are especially attracted to such bad boys when they are ovulating. He showed that women are continuously resolving this conflict on an unconscious level by being attracted to the “bad boy” type of male while ovulating (and most likely to conceive), and the stable type during the rest of her menstrual cycle. The study also found married women were more likely to stray during ovulation and you can guess which type of man they sought.

So it’s not your imagination – women are attracted to bad boys, whether they’re gladiators, fighter pilots, or football players. These guys have been making women squirm in their seats for centuries. And yes, they have been getting the girls because they represent strength, and risk-taking. But when it comes time for marriage and raising a family, most women seek the stable type of male personality.

Of course, the power of sexual attraction is strong and many women make the mistake of marrying (or being impregnated by) the “bad boy,” only to find themselves raising their child alone when the inevitable happens – the bad boy takes off in search of his next adventure. He is not likely to have the ‘stay around-ness’ character that is also needed, and he dashes off.

This isn’t exactly a new situation and nearly every society has invented the institution of marriage to resolve this fundamental problem and ensure its own preservation. After all, what’s the benefit to the social group of rowing your long boat all the way across the sea to rape and plunder if you decide you don’t want to return home after sampling the local beauties? Whether watching his sails disappear over the horizon, or the tail lights of his pick-up truck as he pulls out of your driveway, those are only variations on an age-old theme. Unfortunately, as the institution of marriage is also a very imperfect model, more and more women are forced to raise families on their own.

So don’t blame yourself if you’re a nice guy and seem destined to pay the bills while the stud gets the girls. It’s all in the genes and it’s been that way for thousands of years. Our behaviors are defined much more by 180 thousand years of evolution from the caves to the villages than by 10 thousand years of agricultural life, or just 250 years or so of industrialism. We are off the shelf mammals, with a very thin veneer of civilization on top.

The similarity of roles in modern society

In todays world, the everyday lives of men and women are almost exactly the same: we both get up, deal with the traffic, go to work (deal with some of the exact same work scenarios), drive home and have the same duties to do when we get home and the cycle begins again.

The distinction between men and women is lesser than it used to be. In earlier times life was more difficult, clearly more brutal in most social environments. For one thing, the ratio of men to women was much greater than today in many situations, like during colonization and conquests. The men went first to fight and destroy and the families would follow later, balancing the ratio of males x females back to normality. That in itself meant that men had to stake their claims on a woman, home and family and there was much to protect for and against. It was easy for a man to be a hero in his wife and children’s eyes then because he was pretty much facing foes and challenges all the time and for her.

Contemporary living

Modern life has really wrecked havoc on our sexual attraction. Things have just changed too fast in the last hundred years especially. We now live in a world where a more intellectual type of guy is the better provider – not a “nerd” necessarily, but someone who has the ability to succeed in an white collar/business environment.

Physical strength and daring are no longer a requirement for modern living, yet we’re still attracted to them. To compensate for the blandness and safety of modern existence, we create sports and other extreme activities. They serve the same purpose, but they are contrived and manufactured risk, merely re-enactments of the risk-taking inherent in our history. They may sometimes be life-threatening, but they are pursued for the thrill of the experience, not to obtain food from an uncooperative bison or to flee a pursuing bear.

As a result, the modern woman is just as out of her element as the modern man. She still wants to be “claimed”, and secretly gets excited at the proposition of a gallant knight sweeping her off her feet and taking her away as his bride (kicking and screaming optional). While it’s not PC to even discuss this subject anymore, women are as genetically predisposed to be “taken” as men are to win them and sweep them away.

The problem in modern, civilized life is obvious, however, as laws seeking to modify behavior and ensure safety come up against this ancient instinct. Of course, in most of us, this is just takes the form of harmless flirting with a little sexual tension thrown in for good measure. He invites her to watch his football game, she screams and cheers as he makes a good catch, and then gives his big, sweaty body a hug after the game – all very primal, but satisfying very basic needs.

Sadly, these urges are not controlled and a little too close to the surface in some men, and you end up with rapists and stalkers. But let’s face it, until fairly modern times (genetically speaking) most men were rapists and stalkers. So it’s a delicate dance, and civilization is a thin veneer at best since we’re always juggling the disparate urges so deeply ingrained in us all.

Since we live in a world where the biggest risk most of us take is getting to work on the freeway, we have to substitute for the things that are now missing in our bland, modern lives. Women read romance novels and go to “chick flicks,” and guys vicariously live battle and conquest through sports, gambling, and aggressive business competition, as well as take risks through other extreme activities. Both are satisfying basic instincts they don’t even know they have.

Passion is the key element

Going back to the characteristics and ‘action’, which I want to portray as ‘passion’. Say for example the Mafia movies, or gang types. It’s always said that those who love passionately, hate passionately. The one reason that women have put up with the jealous types is because (to them) it shows the guys care, that it matters to them, and makes them feel special to see how much they are affected. Only later do they see it isn’t necessarily about ‘caring’, or ‘loving’ but about hangups – theirs! Those same men, throw the remote down on the couch, don’t grab the beer, but instead, grab their women in their arms right in the middle of her doing the dishes, and dash off to the bedroom, toss her like a sack-o-taters down on the bed, and yank her panties down to enjoy her! Yeah, that unleashed passion – that ‘action’ man is what gets to us all. That kind of man whose actions say you are ‘taken’, and ‘off limits’ because he has staked his claim makes one feel chosen, wanted, and secure.

You don’t need to read romance novels to know that the reason they sell is because of all the passion! If you ask women and they feel comfortable enough to tell you how it really it, they will say things like “Well, he just seemed to ‘know’ how to play it with me, tossed me on the bed and just had his way! Jumped right into a role play and I was taken right in with his passion”.

That, I think is the key. The action, the heroism (perceived), strength and vitality, but foremost is passion.