Khaos Theory

You can easily find plenty of advice online about how important it is for a couple to communicate their desires and preferences. It can’t be stated more clearly: If you don’t have a healthy way of expressing your thoughts and emotions to each other, of speaking and being heard, then everything else will ultimately crumble. I agree with that and I think that with most couples that advice would be just what they need…

But not in every case.

In regular sex, or vanilla sex as I like to call it, there is a certain very predictable sequence: Motivation, excitement, foreplay, plateau, orgasm, resolution. Always the exact same sequence with very little variation and it always goes from a few minutes (often) to even a few hours (rarely). It is mechanical and predictable. Pleasurable for a while, boring on the long run.

In a more sophisticated sexual lifestyle that includes much more sophisticated mental play, the time frame of a sexual experience can be seen in different metrics. Our sexual encounter may not be measured as one-get-laid-session but in a much longer frame. I may be planning something that will take several days to build up…

But to make it work I may need to communicate less!

If I tell you to not think about Elvis, what do you immediately think of? Yes, Elvis. If I told you that I will surprise you this weekend with a gift, would I still be able to surprise you with a gift? No. Too much information will diminish the effect, or spoil the experience altogether. I can’t let your mind get on the way.

In my experience, sex is a game, and I like to use the word game in it’s most positive and child-like meaning: It is played because it is fun, and it is played to win. Every time I am paying attention to what is it that excites you and brings you up to higher levels of enjoyment. I also pay attention to how much I like what happens along the way.

What I like to do is to create a domino effect. I find something that you like, and you may not even be aware of yet, and I will excite that. I may create these sequences of do-this-than-this-than-that and will need to implement that sequence over a course of several days for it to reach it’s full effect. Maybe I will not do something you like or at least not do it enough to build up tension and expectation. I may frustrate you in the short term to make it more intense over time. Whatever it is that I am doing it has the purpose of building up higher and higher sexual tension…

…and I will not tell you what is it I have in mind.