You can easily find plenty of advice online about how important it is for a couple to communicate their desires and preferences. It can’t be stated more clearly: If you don’t have a healthy way of expressing your thoughts and emotions to each other, of speaking and being heard, then everything else will ultimately crumble. I agree with that and I think that with most couples that advice would be just what they need…

But not in every case.

In regular sex, or vanilla sex as I like to call it, there is a certain very predictable sequence: Motivation, excitement, foreplay, plateau, orgasm, resolution. Always the exact same sequence with very little variation and it always goes from a few minutes (often) to even a few hours (rarely). It is mechanical and predictable. Pleasurable for a while, boring on the long run.

In a more sophisticated sexual lifestyle that includes much more sophisticated mental play, the time frame of a sexual experience can be seen in different metrics. Our sexual encounter may not be measured as one-get-laid-session but in a much longer frame. I may be planning something that will take several days to build up…

But to make it work I may need to communicate less!

If I tell you to not think about Elvis, what do you immediately think of? Yes, Elvis. If I told you that I will surprise you this weekend with a gift, would I still be able to surprise you with a gift? No. Too much information will diminish the effect, or spoil the experience altogether. I can’t let your mind get on the way.

In my experience, sex is a game, and I like to use the word game in it’s most positive and child-like meaning: It is played because it is fun, and it is played to win. Every time I am paying attention to what is it that excites you and brings you up to higher levels of enjoyment. I also pay attention to how much I like what happens along the way.

What I like to do is to create a domino effect. I find something that you like, and you may not even be aware of yet, and I will excite that. I may create these sequences of do-this-than-this-than-that and will need to implement that sequence over a course of several days for it to reach it’s full effect. Maybe I will not do something you like or at least not do it enough to build up tension and expectation. I may frustrate you in the short term to make it more intense over time. Whatever it is that I am doing it has the purpose of building up higher and higher sexual tension…

…and I will not tell you what is it I have in mind.

Love requires thinking. Thinking gets on the way of sex.

Love wants purity, while sex doesn’t. Love is like ownership, sex is like trespassing. Love dreams about being accepted and allowed. Sex dreams about being prohibited. Most fantasies are taboos.

In the utopia of romantic novels and dating advice, love comes first and sex follows, much later. In the real world sex usually comes first and love is dragged along.

Love is a result of desire. Sex does not depend on desire, just takes it over. Love can get on the way of sex, but not the other way around.

Nobody masturbates to love. Nobody suffers from being horny.

Love dreams about what it can be. Sex gets satisfied with what it is. Love is never completely satisfying because it is based in an impossibility. Sex may be satisfying, if you know how to do it. Love and sex rarely come together, pardon the pun.

Love doesn’t require the presence of the loved one. Sex, even when alone, requires a little “hand”. Some love stories don’t even require a partner; they grow on solitude, memories, or distance. Sex is much more realistic. So love can be a search for an illusion while sex requires the truth.

Single people dream of love. Married people dream of sex.

Love can be somehow ridiculous, especially in the great romance novels and soap operas. Sex can look ridiculous if you turn the movie on in the middle of a scene.

Sex always existed – from the caves all the way to the modern brothels. Romantic love was invented during the Renaissance by the poets, and reinvented by Hollywood. The only way to control love is by programming it, with moral codes and social standards. The way to control sex is by programming it, like the porn industry does with it’s standardized positions and acts. Restrained love protects the status quo. Wild sex is a threat to the peace and stability of everyone.

There are no brothels for love, where the guy can come in and fall in love. But in every brothel they always pretend a little bit of love and romance to “warm up”. Love became a jumpstart for commercial sex.

Make love, not war, they say. Sex wants war. Hate can destroy love, but it may spark some great sex. Love talks a lot. Sex screams, groans, wispers, but does not explain anything.

The problem with love is that it lasts for too long, while sex doesn’t last long enough. The danger of sex is that you can fall in love. The danger of love is that you can fall into becoming friends. In a world of condoms, sex can be safe. But there is no condom to wrap your heart with.

People who are practicing BDSM in any of its trillions of forms are doing it voluntarily, for fun. It’s a way to explore. Everything that happens in a BDSM relationship is consensual; and believe it or not, it’s not just about the dominant getting what he or she wants – it’s more about the submissive getting what she wants. People who are good at dominating or inflicting pain are, in general, LESS likely than many other people to be jerks or assholes.

Why? Because in order to be good at doing it, you need to be highly in-tune with your submissive. People who are self-centered generally make poor dominants, because they lack the empathy required to be able to read and judge their partner’s reactions, and bring their partner where that person wants to go. Assholes quickly find that nobody wants to play with them; and people who are empathic tend not to be assholes. All of the real top-notch dominants I’ve ever met, without exception, are incredibly cool people.

An abuser has no regard for the feelings, needs, or limits of the victim. A BDSM dominant is concerned above all else with the needs and desires of the submissive. The dynamics of a BDSM relationship are often driven by the submissive, not by the dominant. The submissive sets the limits; the submissive decides what places can and can not be explored; the submissive has the ability to call a halt to the scene. The dominant, in many ways, is simply a facilitator. It’s the dominant’s job to create a setting where the people involved can explore the submissive’s fantasies.

“BDSM” is an acronym of “B&D” (Bondage & Discipline), “D&S” (Dominance & Submission), and “S&M” (sadomasochism). “BDSM” refers to any or all of these things, and a lot of stuff besides.

Tying up your lover is BDSM; so is flogging that person, or bossing that person around, or any of a thousand other things. BDSM is highly erotic, usually (though not always) involves sex or sexual tension; and is highly psychologically charged. One person (the “submissive”) agrees to submit to another person (the “dominant”); or, alternately, one person agrees to receive some sort of sensation, such as spanking, from another.

Some people like to be submissive all the time, some people like to be dominant all the time; some people like to switch, being submissive one day and dominant the next.

Many people practice some element of BDSM in their sexual lives without even being aware of it. They may think of “S&M” as “That sick stuff that people do with whips and cattle prods and stuff,” yet still blindfold one another from time to time, or tie one another down and break out the whipped cream… All of these things are “BDSM.” BDSM is not necessarily hardcore sadomasochism; it can be remarkably subtle and sensual and soft. Pinning your partner to the bed and running silk or ice cubes or rabbit fur over your lover’s body qualifies as “BDSM” (specifically, of a variety called “sensation play”).

A romantic connection (also called pair-bonding) is a deep emotional bond to another individual. The tendency to form a deep emotional bond to another individual is an universal feature of human life.

The connections we form to our partners are designed to keep people together. When we form a connection to a partner – we want to be near that person. And we tend to feel safe and secure when our partners are around. Overall, forming a connection was designed to help create stability. If you are connected to someone and the relationship comes to an end, the sense of loss can be overwhelming – including feelings of uncertainty, fear, and despair.

Humans are designed to form a strong connections to a romantic partner because human offspring are born extremely immature (unable to care for themselves). Individuals who formed a deep connections to their sexual partners were better equipped to raise offspring. And over millions of years of human development, evolution favored people who formed a deep emotional bond to a sexual partner. As such, people living today are all the descendants of individuals who formed an emotional bond to their romantic partners in the past.

Not only are humans designed to form a deep emotional bond to a sexual partner, but the process by which we do so is very similar to how infants form a bond to their primary caregivers.

Human infants universally form a deep emotional attachment to the person who provides the most care (usually a mother). This attachment is designed to keep infants close to their caregivers, which ultimately helped ensured an infant’s survival. When infants form a deep emotional attachment to their caregiver – children feel safe and secure. For infants, attachment figures (caregivers) provide a sense of security and comfort. When separate from their attachment figure, infants will stage a protest (crying and screaming) designed to get their caregiver’s attention.

How do infants know who to form an attachment to?

Infants form an attachment to the caregivers based on the nature and amount of physical contact they have with others. Infants form an attachment to the person who provides the most physical contact – the most kissing, cuddling, caressing, and so on.

And adults do the same when it comes to forming a romantic connection. Adults form a deep emotional connection based on intimate physical contact – kissing and cuddling, etc. If you have repeated intimate contact with another person, you will most likely form a deep connection to that person. Once a connection is formed – people want to spend more time together, feel safe and secure in each other’s presence, and they will experience loss when the relationship comes to an end.

The lesson to be learned? Be careful about whom you have repeated intimate contact with – you are likely to form a strong connection to that person. And once a connection is formed, it can be very difficult to break. Doms especially tend to forget that when they dominate someone they are creating a two-way street where both will feel increasingly connected emotionally.

Meeting Fateweaver and you was half chance and half design. If you want to understand the design part of it read about spiders on my blog. One thing was clear as soon as we met: You were together. Not just in the sense of being there at the same time, I could tell that the connection between you two was strong and congruent.

Over the following week we met a few more times and made more common friends. At this point I could see that there was something under the surface. The way you talked to each other and the signals you sent out to the world were clear: You were both curious and very open-minded.

So with some conversations that delved into the private and more interesting aspects of our lives I invited you both to come to my place where I would “show you some kinky stuff”. You didn’t know what was going to happen, but I had a very good idea.

Let’s see, how do I describe this so you find yourself picturing it clearly in your mind now… Fateweaver is a true Dom in the sense that his impulses and interests are those of a Dom, but he didn’t have much of the language and basic techniques, so I proceeded to show some of it, and at every turn you reacted amazingly well. You were excited and happy like a kitten with a new toy. Each time I touched you I made it in such a way to let the slut inside of you come out to the surface. But up to that point I think all we had discovered was things you already knew at some level or another. You knew you liked to have your hair pulled. You knew you liked to be tied up. You knew you liked to be called a slut and more. You knew you liked to have your ass abused. Biting you and tying you up were things you enjoyed, but not something you couldn’t have imagined or possibly done already. You enjoyed not knowing who was fucking you but that was not breaking any major new ground for you.

I wanted to take you over the edge, see what is on the other side. Also needed to be free from the limits of my own inhibitions and time constraints so I could take you further. Fateweaver was surprisingly mature and understanding when you asked him for permission to see me alone. And despite the tribulations of it we are all happy he did.

What fascinated me was that I knew it was going to be perfect even before our meeting started. Where something within senses how intense it’s going to be, and you can hear that voice in your subconscious saying “How surprised would you be to find yourself actually looking back and realizing that was the moment when everything changed, laughing and having the best time, and you find yourself starting to feel really comfortable with that. As you think about it like that, doesn’t it just seem natural that we all met and spent some time together?” That’s what I remember…. and it’s a wonderful feeling, wasn’t it?

I knew I had to enter the dark realms of your soul that haven’t been visited yet. I had to enter that dark cave and wake up the monster inside, without knowing if that monster would be docile or hostile. I had to do it because that is what you needed, but also because that is what I wanted. Something in me gets excited by curiosity and empowered by your trust and then anything can happen.

Making you feel like you were out of your element, away from your protector, then helpless, then frightened, was one of the most beautiful acts of removing the covers that hide a person’s true nature. As each new layer was removed and I approached your inner truth it became clear to me, and to you, that you thrive on helplessness, that you finally embraced your true nature and by not having to worry about your own pleasure and serving the desires of someone else you found freedom.

Life’s most fundamental dynamic is the attempt to move from a lower level of experience and consciousness to a higher level of consciousness. From a diffuse identity to a more consolidated and structured identity. That transformation is so clear in you that it is visible on the way you move an on the way you look at Fateweaver. Your eyes shine differently now. I can see it. He can see it.

You are lucky you have a loving and mature Dom. I created a monster that very few men can feed. If you were alone you would be lost. Under less trustworthy company you would be in a downward spiral of abuse and havoc.

I love changing people’s lives for better. Above all I love women and awakening their sensuality became a fabulous source of pleasure and happiness in my own life. Seeing that I touched someone’s reality for better, seeing that I helped a woman become more free and happy is what I love the most. I believe I helped change your life and, by doing that, I transformed myself.

Intelligent, beautiful women like you always end up being a danger to themselves if left to their own devices. You have a highly developed intellect and the common place bores you, particularly sexually. As a result you push yourself to greater extremes, to continue that sensation of breaking a taboo and feeling utterly totally sinful and alive.

What you need is a man to take you in hand, to break you until you know nothing except satisfying his demands rather than chasing your own. You deserve to be with somebody who makes you feel utterly adored when you earn it, like every inch of your skin is alive with the sensation of a kiss and caress.

I know how to treat sluts like you. Only two things matter: The first is understanding that to a beautiful women intelligence can be a prison. It causes you to think, to ponder to doubt and to re-challenge. You have an ego telling you what you want, a super-ego telling you what you should want, and your sexuality telling you what makes you burn. They are all different and separate things. Your ideas about equality stand against your sexuality which in turn directly contradicts your aspirations and values.

I take you, I break you and I turn you into what I want. I cut through the knot that ties your mind, because you will be trained to provide for my wants and not worry about your own, and as a result you will be totally free.

Also, most women have something in there life that they are missing. It may be that they’ve been in a relationship where they hadn’t been physically admired. They might crave authority, they might miss affection. Every lost little girl has a hole in her heart so I find it and I fill it until it’s so full it’s about to burst. Then I take it away again, and watch what she is willing to do for me.

A rather typical result of people’s lack of culture and depth is an overall dullness so depressing that is has to be overlaid with a veneer of “style” to make them acceptable. And that, to anyone who is perceptive of real human values, just makes them all the worse. Now they are not just depressingly dull, they are also phony.

Awesomeness is not something you can lay on top of people like wrapping around a boring product. It has to be the source from where their actions and patterns come from.