That is something that happens backwards. First I learned a lot of “stuff”: Techniques, methods, solutions and protocols. I thought I was very skillful, but the most important was still missing. As I met women that were more experienced, more advanced, and more sensual than I ever seen before, that opened my eyes to a very simple fact: What makes you an “expert” is not your resources and devices and methods, but your capacity to connect to women emotionally. Being capable to feel them, learn from them, but most of all love them deeply, is what makes you a man they want to be with. And we know that love is the only binding that truly holds.

I then became secure enough to laugh at myself and the absurdities of life.  Courageous enough to accept assistance. Open minded enough to learn new things. Strong enough to grow. My tools are mind, body, spirit and soul with a little help from rope, handcuffs and blindfold. I understand that each partner gains most from pleasuring the other.

Fear can prevent someone from moving forward or from trying certain sexual acts. Those fears usually come from unfamiliarity or inexperience, or from bad experiences from the past, or from bad associations that came from watching, reading, or being told that some act is dangerous, painful, unhealthy, demeaning, or humiliating. Those fears commonly cause some people to tense up or shy away.

Most fear is created by anticipation and by projecting thought forward. In a moment of true pain or danger there would be no anticipation, just action or reaction. Fear can also be indirect. A sub may not fear the act itself, but doubt the capacity of the Dom to do it correctly and safely. Fear also comes afterwards when you think about what could have happened.

The same kind of fear reaction can occur when about to engage in something new. The deep instincts we have of fight or flight cause us to tense our muscles.

An experienced Dom must know when to use fear and when to avoid it. He can use fear, even provoke it, with the intention of tensing the sub and heightening her senses, stimulating and intensifying the experience. He may also use trust, care, comfort and orientation to calm down, prepare and relax the sub prior to a challenging act or situation.

Those are moments when I don’t advocate the use of alcohol or drugs at all. If you can’t calm down someone to do something while sober you shouldn’t try it with her drunk either. A [pseudo]Dom that needs to intoxicate a sub to have his way is a faker and potentially a criminal. I am not against the use of alcohol or even drugs as recreational items and to have fun at other moments, but during sex in general and BDSM in particular.

There is one very effective shortcut to learn to approve of yourself is to approve of others.

Pay attention to what others do and when you see effort, dedication, elegance, or any other great qualities in someone’s self, or someone’s work, point at it and tell them how much you appreciate it.

When you give an honest compliment, both people win something.

Don’t let your conversations turn into job interviews. Don’t ask questions about family, her neighborhood, her school, family, career, or the weather. Those subjects are boring and will show that you are not creative and interesting.

Every time that she asks you something about family, your neighborhood, your school, family, career, or the weather, use it as a point to build rapport. Do it not by answering the question, but by leading the response into what you really want to talk about, something that will create emotional connection.

- Do you work around here? – She asks

- Yes, have been working here for a year, and I really like the area. It is beautiful and peaceful. I love riding my motorcycle after work through some country roads west of town. Have you been there? Yes, it is gorgeous country side and the feeling of freedom and peace on those roads is magic…

It doesn’t matter what people ask, you can drive the conversation in any direction you want. And they will be happy you did! Oh, my… finally a guy that knows better than answering about his computer job at Acme… She is not actually thinking it, but she is feeling it.

Most of the time when I meet with a woman I already know what she does for a living. So I got used to not asking that at all. But even if you don’t know… why do you care? If you just talk to her for that evening hoping for a one night stand, it won’t make a difference to you if she is assistant prosecutor or clerk at Target. If you start a relationship, then you will certainly figure out what she does by the next day or so. Don’t need to sacrifice your attraction on the first night by asking job interview questions.

However, she will probably ask about your career. So know very well what to do:

Don’t answer. At the most glance over the response but drive the conversation right into what you want to talk about. In most cases I give answers as vague as “I am a businessman.” and let the mystery sink in. Sometimes I just say “I am self-unemployed”, if the circumstance is more humorous. But that is it. Explaining how you make ends meet is a bad move, and asking about her ways is even worse.

Another reason to not ask any Job Interview question is that the person will feel like you are qualifying her. That is really bad and breaks rapport. It sounds like you are sizing her up to see if she is wife material or not. During attraction, which is the first part of every conversation, don’t let anyone qualify you, and qualify everyone but don’t let them notice it.

Remember her name, when it matters

It is a basic rule of good manners to ask for and remember people’s names. From Dale Carnegie to telemarketers, everyone knows and repeats your name several times during the conversation. However…

When you are introduced to a large group, make things easy for yourself. First of all, if your name is not really easy to understand and pronounce, adopt a nickname. You are not diluting your identity, betraying your ancestors, or disrespecting your national roots. It is just a useful name to say across a table with 10 drunken people that don’t yet care who you are.

My name is relatively simple, but the spelling of it eludes most people and my stage name “Khaos” raises instant questions that will interrupt the introduction and are not questions I want to answer just yet. So when I am in a noisy environment or being introduced to 12 partygoers that I still don’t know if I will want to see the next day, I just say my name is “William”. Simple, everyone will understand, nobody will ask how do I spell it.

Later on when I start talking to a woman individually and she starts giving indicators of interest, she will probably ask me for my name. Then I tell her the real one. In the very unlikely event that she notices it is not the same name I say that “Milton is the real name, that I reserve just for my closest friends”.

Notice that I don’t apologize at all for not remembering. I just introduce myself as if we just met. Nobody will ever stop me and say “Hey, we were already introduced, don’t do it again!” You can even try that today. Start talking to some people at a bar, club, or party and introduce yourself to everyone. Then talk to someone specific and about a minute into the conversation introduce yourself to that person, with a slightly different name. Not only will that person  accept the introduction without flinching, but now you have had two chances to memorize her name.

I don’t blame you for not remembering the names of 10 people in the club, but if you are talking to someone and exchanged names twice, and you still can’t remember it, then shame on you.

Now that you know her name, use it

Use it occasionally. If you step away and you call her to reposition her in the group (more on that in another article), call her by name. If you know what her name means (and you do because you Googled it while she was away for a moment), tell her, and make it a conversation point. She will be surprised and, in some cases, amazed because she didn’t know about the meaning of her name herself!

I once said to a girl in Miami named Elena that she wasn’t congruent. She was puzzled and asked why. I explained that her name means “ray of light” and that when she didn’t smile she was projecting an image contrary to her name. So she should smile at all times. She took it very well and even when she got distracted with other people around, every time she saw me she opened up a wonderful smile, I believe because she remembered what I said.

Cards

So don’t bother trying to remember everyone’s names, especially when they will not remember yours. But definitely know, and use, the name of the person you are talking to.

I always carry with me some cards, in business card format, with my name and my contact information. I make those cards congruent with the environment. I have one card for my travels, a professional looking card, and one more with just my name and phone number, that I use in clubs.

But never, ever, ever offer your card. If the person didn’t ask for it your card is going to end up in the nearest trash can. It is a waste of time. Only give your card to someone that asked for it. If they didn’t ask, they didn’t care. Offering your card is a common and amateurish move, and if one day I get distracted and offer you my card before you asked for it, please slap my hand very hard. Thank you!

If she is already mature and liberated, happily exploring her sensuality, she will appreciate having a partner that is equally open-minded and sophisticated. If she is not quite there yet I can be the person that she can feel comfortable with and trust deeply enough to experiment and not feel judged or inadequate.

I learned and saw by experience that when a woman sees that you care about her and that you are sincere, when she trusts that you will not judge her or hurt her, if she believes she can trust your guidance, she will turn into a sexual being beyond your wildest dreams. All that stuff you saw in the porn movies and though you would never find a partner to do those crazy things with… she will do all that and much more.

Women love sex, certainly more than men love sex. A liberated woman with an appetite to satisfy her needs and desires becomes a monster you can’t feed if you don’t put plenty of attention to it.

I appreciate a deeper level of sensual connection. An intense sensual awakening that only happens when lovers trust each other and are engaged in discovering what pleasures them the most, and what pleasures their lover.

Every change brings fear and uncertainty. The curiosity and desire for better life and experience is often suppressed by the fear of delving into uncharted territory. The idea of having someone more experienced guiding along the way tends to be very attractive for that very simple reason.

I found a path to it through sensual domination. It requires a lot of trust. To win my submissive’s mind, body and soul, I know I must first win her trust. I will show my submissive humor, kindness, and warmth. I must also show her that my guidance and tutoring is knowledgeable and deserving of her attention, that I am a man she can learn from, and trust my direction.

Above all else I cherish my women, in the knowledge that the gift they give me is the greatest of all. As a stern and demanding Dominant I take full advantage of the power given to me, but know how to share the pleasure that comes from that precious gift.

With Joshua I learned that NLP is fine during approach and during seduction, but when you are building rapport with someone that is a better time to drop your guard and also drop your guns. It seems rapport building is the time to connect heart to heart and and be vulnerable, time for utmost sincerity.

You can convince someone to do anything. You can also convince everyone to something. But I can’t believe that you can convince everyone to do anything.

But with enough time and planning you can convince nearly anyone to do nearly anything. However timing becomes a factor here.

That is part of filtering: You have to evaluate how much effort it will take to approach, build rapport, and then persuade someone. Some cases are easier than others and a good filtering process will help you find out what are the fruits hanging lower on the tree, and you go for those. Life is short, and we can’t waste time convincing everyone while all you need is find the one person that is already convinced.

When you establish enough rapport people react favorably to your approaches, to seduction, or to persuasion. If they are not being accepting and inviting yet that means you are not quite there yet.

The other evident way to know is by your emotional connection. Rapport is a two way road. They will like you, but you will like them too. You know they trust you partly because you trust them. You know they like you because you like them.