Love requires thinking. Thinking gets on the way of sex.

Love wants purity, while sex doesn’t. Love is like ownership, sex is like trespassing. Love dreams about being accepted and allowed. Sex dreams about being prohibited. Most fantasies are taboos.

In the utopia of romantic novels and dating advice, love comes first and sex follows, much later. In the real world sex usually comes first and love is dragged along.

Love is a result of desire. Sex does not depend on desire, just takes it over. Love can get on the way of sex, but not the other way around.

Nobody masturbates to love. Nobody suffers from being horny.

Love dreams about what it can be. Sex gets satisfied with what it is. Love is never completely satisfying because it is based in an impossibility. Sex may be satisfying, if you know how to do it. Love and sex rarely come together, pardon the pun.

Love doesn’t require the presence of the loved one. Sex, even when alone, requires a little “hand”. Some love stories don’t even require a partner; they grow on solitude, memories, or distance. Sex is much more realistic. So love can be a search for an illusion while sex requires the truth.

Single people dream of love. Married people dream of sex.

Love can be somehow ridiculous, especially in the great romance novels and soap operas. Sex can look ridiculous if you turn the movie on in the middle of a scene.

Sex always existed – from the caves all the way to the modern brothels. Romantic love was invented during the Renaissance by the poets, and reinvented by Hollywood. The only way to control love is by programming it, with moral codes and social standards. The way to control sex is by programming it, like the porn industry does with it’s standardized positions and acts. Restrained love protects the status quo. Wild sex is a threat to the peace and stability of everyone.

There are no brothels for love, where the guy can come in and fall in love. But in every brothel they always pretend a little bit of love and romance to “warm up”. Love became a jumpstart for commercial sex.

Make love, not war, they say. Sex wants war. Hate can destroy love, but it may spark some great sex. Love talks a lot. Sex screams, groans, wispers, but does not explain anything.

The problem with love is that it lasts for too long, while sex doesn’t last long enough. The danger of sex is that you can fall in love. The danger of love is that you can fall into becoming friends. In a world of condoms, sex can be safe. But there is no condom to wrap your heart with.

A romantic connection (also called pair-bonding) is a deep emotional bond to another individual. The tendency to form a deep emotional bond to another individual is an universal feature of human life.

The connections we form to our partners are designed to keep people together. When we form a connection to a partner – we want to be near that person. And we tend to feel safe and secure when our partners are around. Overall, forming a connection was designed to help create stability. If you are connected to someone and the relationship comes to an end, the sense of loss can be overwhelming – including feelings of uncertainty, fear, and despair.

Humans are designed to form a strong connections to a romantic partner because human offspring are born extremely immature (unable to care for themselves). Individuals who formed a deep connections to their sexual partners were better equipped to raise offspring. And over millions of years of human development, evolution favored people who formed a deep emotional bond to a sexual partner. As such, people living today are all the descendants of individuals who formed an emotional bond to their romantic partners in the past.

Not only are humans designed to form a deep emotional bond to a sexual partner, but the process by which we do so is very similar to how infants form a bond to their primary caregivers.

Human infants universally form a deep emotional attachment to the person who provides the most care (usually a mother). This attachment is designed to keep infants close to their caregivers, which ultimately helped ensured an infant’s survival. When infants form a deep emotional attachment to their caregiver – children feel safe and secure. For infants, attachment figures (caregivers) provide a sense of security and comfort. When separate from their attachment figure, infants will stage a protest (crying and screaming) designed to get their caregiver’s attention.

How do infants know who to form an attachment to?

Infants form an attachment to the caregivers based on the nature and amount of physical contact they have with others. Infants form an attachment to the person who provides the most physical contact – the most kissing, cuddling, caressing, and so on.

And adults do the same when it comes to forming a romantic connection. Adults form a deep emotional connection based on intimate physical contact – kissing and cuddling, etc. If you have repeated intimate contact with another person, you will most likely form a deep connection to that person. Once a connection is formed – people want to spend more time together, feel safe and secure in each other’s presence, and they will experience loss when the relationship comes to an end.

The lesson to be learned? Be careful about whom you have repeated intimate contact with – you are likely to form a strong connection to that person. And once a connection is formed, it can be very difficult to break. Doms especially tend to forget that when they dominate someone they are creating a two-way street where both will feel increasingly connected emotionally.

Most people can read more than one book during the same week. They read one a little bit, then the other, then back to the first one without losing track of where they are on each book. Some people can read several books at the same time like that. But I don’t think someone can read fifty books at the same time and still keep track of all of them. So there is some number that is the limit of how many books you can handle simultaneously. Similarly there is a number of relationships each person can handle, and it varies from person to person.

If you are reading different books they don’t have to be necessarily about the same subject. If one book is about politics for instance, the other books don’t need to be about politics as well. You can be reading one book about cooking, another about photography, one about dieting, another about computers, and so on. Similarly humans maintain relationships of different natures simultaneously. Different people play different roles in your life. But even within the somewhat narrower range of romantic and sexual relationships you can be having different types of relationships at the same time

Some books you read in a day, during one long flight, or during a weekend. You like them for the short term and entertainment you get from them. Other books are big novels and you want to read them for a long period of time. Some books are references and you like to just go back to them every now and them when you feel the need.

When you finish reading a book don’t just drop it anywhere or leave it laying around out of place. Put it back on the shelf! Unfold the corners, make sure the cover is fine and remove page markers. Put it back on the shelf in good shape and with respect. The other books will see that is the way you treat a book and they will appreciate you more for that!

Every time you read a book it makes you smarter and more experienced, more prepared to read the next book that comes along. That is why it’s important to always read something. Even if you don’t have right now the exact book you would like to find, but there is a book of quality within reach and you have the opportunity, read it anyway for the experience it will give you.

Finally, it doesn’t matter how many times you read a book, the ending will still be the same.

A rather typical result of people’s lack of culture and depth is an overall dullness so depressing that is has to be overlaid with a veneer of “style” to make them acceptable. And that, to anyone who is perceptive of real human values, just makes them all the worse. Now they are not just depressingly dull, they are also phony.

Awesomeness is not something you can lay on top of people like wrapping around a boring product. It has to be the source from where their actions and patterns come from.

Driven by fashion magazines and porn, millions of women subject themselves to acrobatic exercises at beauty spas to shave their pubic hair. They endure that gynecologic exam routine and leave happy with just a narrow patch (if any) of hair, very nicely called a “landing strip”, the harmless euphemism to suggest the destination of our desires. Pop culture, from fashion to porn, also created billion dollars industries of silicone, hair coloring, tanning, botoxes, implants, sexy clothing, and gym memberships, all trying to satisfy the cravings of millions of sexually charged consumers.

Looking at TV, magazines, mainstream movies and porn, in the rare occasions when you are not horny, you could easily see that matrix of perfection and performance that is far from the reality of normal human beings. Open any of the modern sexy magazines and all you will see are things. Things made of pure visual perfection, not women with doubts, shortcomings, and fears. All you see are girls competing for your very short attention span in desperate positions and absurd clothing, or lack of it. There is nothing left to be exposed. No cavity, crease, fluid or shape was left to imagination.

The virtual woman is out there to humiliate and destroy us. She raises us up with our dreams just to let us drop flat on the ground when we can’t find her in the real world. She is looking at us in the eyes, with her wonderful eyes and mouth like saying “Take me! I am always ready, I am always happy, always horny, always yours”.

Women want wealth, passion, connection, status, respect, and love. But the virtual one poses with an ostentatious attitude, or seductive vulnerability and pretends that it is you that wants her and that she is the top prize. The virtual woman suggests a disposition she doesn’t actually have in order not to bother her consumers with the inconveniences of her needs.

The virtual woman offers the ultimate experience, Nirvana packaged as orgasm. She is the goddess in a market paradise, the last stage of a video game that men can only reach by passing through a lifetime of stages where they need to acquire success, money, BMWs, Gucci, Armani’s and prestige. This woman is the final prize for a narcissistic lifestyle. She looks so perfect that she may even seem to not require any partner, able to be a lover of herself.

Unfortunately feminism has been followed by (or degenerated into) an expression of freedom that transformed women, and men, into replaceable objects with the purpose of sexual satisfaction. The competition, fueled by pop culture, creates way more anxiety and depression than any satisfaction, sexual or otherwise. Women no longer own their bodies, now their bodies own them.

Packaged in layers of fine clothes and jewelry and spray tanning, covering perfectly shaped breasts and the finest underwear that looks like the gift wrapping for divine pleasure… You can’t even see the real woman beneath all that! You are standing in awe in front of all this perfection, feeling insufficient with your ordinary life style, and impotent with your ordinary bank account.

Our sexual desires have been programmed by others, by industries that arouse our desires to sell us the promise of satisfaction, yet never deliver.

When you meet these girls, models, porn stars, strippers, escorts, dancers… you actually find women that are insecure or not, openminded or conventional, smart or dumb, but they will never have a chance to express their real values and personalities in the movies and magazines because there is no consumer demand for women that have loving husbands, happily taking care of kids, and solving problems in the real world. These women want to love and be loved, but need to spend their time laboring at virtual and real-life brothels.

Just like luxury cars, or consumer electronics, every year they come up more perfect and more intangible. We now have web sites, escort services, and gentlemen’s clubs full of girls with amazing robotic bodies and scripted conversations. These beautiful women are paid so they don’t exist but will rather be an impossible dream. They need no food or stupid conversation, or suffering, or connection, just your cash.

Freedom and lack of education seems to liberate women and make them free to choose, but that is an illusion. In a society plagued by prejudice, religious fundamentalism, and inequality like ours, we end up with objectified women thinking they are free. They are enclosed in avatars of sexual expression that only hide lonesome insecure women, hungry for love and wealth.

When a woman get all prepared and dressed up to go to a club, she is not doing it to impress anyone in particular, she is doing it to impress everyone! She is there to impress her friends, everyone else in the club, the bouncers, the bartender, everyone.

You walk into the club not particularly impressing anyone and then when you start talking to her if you switch into trying to impress her in particular you automatically project lower value subconsciously.

Drama accomplishes a lot of things at once. It gets attention, it sends emotions through the body (emotions are highly addictive chemicals), it’s a way to be self-righteous, it’s often fun, it’s interesting and prevents boredom, it gives things meaning… and on and on. There are a lot of good reasons for drama. But most
men can’t understand because drama fulfills needs that most men don’t have.

Everyone will give you some drama. Everyone has baggage. What matter is that you baggage fits all the way under the seat in front of you. In other words, not uncontrollable and overwhelming amounts of drama and baggage. It is ok if she tells you a little about her crazy friends, but not about the reappearing assaulting and occasionally spanking ex-boyfriend who just got paroled. You get the idea.

So drama is expected, but there is a right way to deal with it:

Don’t react to it emotionally.

That is it. Don’t react. Don’t try to solve the problem. Don’t try to explain anything. Just smile, occasionally ask questions, but in general just ignore the issue. With time she will get tired of throwing her drama at you because it just bounces on you and falls to the ground. Just don’t do anything about it.

For a while I have seen a  top model and, from a physical point-of-view it was great. But I was not attracted to her in the same ways I have been attracted to other women that I have met. I did not expect to feel that way while I was with her, or even today, a few years later. So now my question is: Would I rather have a great experience with a woman to whom I am not attracted to or an “ok” time with a woman that looks stunning?

Well… in a way I think I already answered my question.

The phenomenon of sexual attraction is complex and highly personal. And as I found out, sometimes even when we get what we think we want it isn’t what we want. We’ve all been programmed to think beauty is the ultimate yardstick by which we measure our success in choosing a wife, girlfriend or lover. We may know better if we think about it, but our gut reaction is to always go for good looks.

But as our experience level increases, a lot of guys (and women) start to realize that the other dimensions of compatibility, sexual attraction and performance come into play, and in fact usually overshadow looks alone.

I learned this in two different ways.  First with this girlfriend that had stunning looks but was a poor lover and always left me feeling unsatisfied and even lonely somehow. Being with her was like seeing a tempting treat that was always just out of reach. I usually felt like a spectator even when I was with her because the connection we had was one-dimensional. The basis for our relationship was just physical.

I experienced the opposite situation with another girl that wasn’t my physical type in any way, but who won me over with her personality and enthusiasm, becoming a favorite of mine in the process. She was the opposite of everything I liked appearance-wise. The circumstances that put us together were out of the ordinary so I gave it a chance, and I’ll always be glad I did.

Once I got to know this woman our compatibility grew. I quit seeing her as the woman who didn’t look like my ideal and started seeing her as just a really great woman that made me happy. After all, wasn’t that the objective?

I realized at that moment I’d finally turned a corner and matured as a man because I had quit chasing the appearance ideal of the girls of my youth and started to enjoy the real women that were all around me.

Weekends or long holidays are way too much time to be spent with someone you don’t know very well yet. Unless you are both in the beginning of that magic stage where you are falling in love and the other person can’t do anything wrong in your eyes, the fantasy can’t be maintained for that length of time. Not by you, not by her.

This means that by the end of the weekend, you’re just two people spending time together and if you’re clicking it goes reasonably well, but most probably it won’t. You may think she’s perfect and you’re in love, but after the first day, she’s just seeing you as a regular guy who is invading all her privacy or fogging up the mirror when she’s trying to put her make-up on.

Vacations are hard even on couples that are dating. In fact, they’re relationship killers – Looking back I see that of those long weekends and short trips with girls, most of the time they were the end of the relationship, not the beginning.

I also think long dates are very risky if you tend to fall in love, or take things to extremes. We’ve all read countless articles on the internet about guys who are actually displaying various forms of obsessive-compulsive behavior and have lost all sense of perspective, even though they’re always calling it something else. It’s a common problem with some guys – again, made worse by a weekend length date.

Even if you like her very much and she doesn’t bother you at all, just because she represents all the things you want in a woman, doesn’t mean she views you even remotely in the same way. The weekend may be exactly the time she needs to realize you are not her best lover, Mr. Right, or her all-time-favorite. So by the time you were on your way to the airport and wanted a blowjob, she was way past the point of wanting to keep your fantasy alive. She was just a woman ready to get home, hence her rather disconnected attitude.

My advice would be to proceed slowly – no weekend dates yet. Limit yourself to evenings at first. Then spend all days together but not far from home so both have the option of just driving back any time. Keep increasing the time and distance until you find what is your boundary with her. It may be a long way until you are going out on week-long cruises, but at least you won’t wear off the relationship unnecessarily.

It’s no secret that male and female sexuality differ. Many men feel sex is a recurring physical need – the daily physical release of sexual tension or energy, while many women might view the same act in more experiential terms, adding romance, intimacy, closeness, or sensuality to the mix. We all know how these differences can lead to misunderstandings in marriage or relationships, so this isn’t really news.

But these blanket generalizations only tell part of the story, however, because we are complex beings. Sometimes a woman might fantasize about being taken forcefully (not forcibly) into the stairwell of an office building by a handsome stranger she just passed in the hall. She might imagine being pressed up against the wall and being taken with great passion and physicality. And alternatively, a man might have times when he really does want to be held, nurtured and loved and “make love” rather than just have sex.

But even when we’re alike, we’re different.  The thought of that sexual fantasy might sustain a woman’s passion for weeks as she replays the scenario in her head- even though she has no intention of ever following through or making it a reality. Whereas the same fantasy for a man would usually only be a turn-on if it was in anticipation of the actual event somehow being fulfilled.

Most men feel horny again just a few hours after having sex and have trouble with the repetition of routine it creates. That is alleviated by fantasies, by watching porn, or by just observing, and desiring, other women. This isn’t that uncommon for men, ladies, so don’t get all insulted. Aside from the obvious fact that many men want or need sex almost continuously, the real issue here is that a lot of guys aren’t that “experiential.” This means they’d rather buy a new truck or a flat TV than go to Europe with you. Stated another way, many guys place a higher priority on durable goods than temporary experiences. How many husband/wife or BF/GF conflicts arise over this one difference?

But getting back to experiences vs. things – people that are more experiential will be more likely to incorporate, and want, some sort of emotional or romantic component into their sex life, rather than just approach it as satisfying a physical need. Regardless of gender, these types will be happiest with sexual encounters that enhance intimacy in various ways. I’d speculate that the majority of women fall into this group, as well as some men – they can even be the same men who at other times just want a quick, no-frills release. As I said, we’re complex beings, and neither an individual or an entire gender lives exclusively in one camp or the other.

If a guy is in the group that views sex as a recurring physical need, and not part of a larger act of intimacy, then he will feel this need can be satisfied in many different ways, or with many different people. He will also be willing to pay for this. In this sense, his daily physical sexual needs become commodified. If someone, male or female, views a service or product as a commodity, then it is inevitable that it will be shopped on the basis of price and value. We all do it everyday – at the grocery store, at the gas station, at the mall.

“How dare he call me a commodity?” most women think to themselves… Fair enough, you are a unique individual, not a commodity, and you certainly don’t think you are offering a commodity service. But my point is, many of your customers (oops! I’m sorry I meant to say your partners…) think they are buying a commodity service, because that physical sexual need can be satisfied in many places and in many alternative ways. Again, the reason being is that if you’re just going to be horny again later that day or the next day for sure, then price/value, which enables greater frequency, is also an important consideration. That’s not to say that many other men don’t value a high-priced courtesan experience, or spending the weekend with his high-maintenance hot girlfriend, or that the same guy who goes for quantity one day, doesn’t want a higher quality experience the next. Just as in the same way we all can appreciate a fine meal, even though we know we’ll be hungry the next day. But in reality, the daily fare for most of us is rather more generic. And the daily sexual fare for most of us isn’t a high-priced courtesan or seductive lover… it’s one of the many lower cost alternatives, including booty calls, porn, or self-service.

I’d bet that nearly every guy that has seen an escort has, at one time or another, thought he really should have used that money for something else – maybe the car needed new tires or he needed a new suit for work, or the rent is due.  Those needs don’t go away, and they’re still waiting for you when you get home. For the guys who are more motivated by things rather than experiences, spending money in this manner (on experiences) is difficult, especially when you know you’re letting something else slide. Also, and this is the big one, when you know you WILL want sex again later that day and hate yourself for having “blown” the money on what was a fleeting pleasure.

Ladies, you can attack this all you like, but this is a look into the inner dialog most men have with themselves before they call you on a date. The exceptions are the affluent, who have enough money to avoid making these hard choices, or those who place a greater premium on experience, and will gladly pay (in money, or gifts, or picking up the tab) for a satisfying time, regardless of the alternative uses for those funds – these guys don’t really care, as long as they had a unique and satisfying time.

It’s usually an insult to women who are not sex workers to state that many guys will go through this thought process. After all, this issue in its many forms is the most common problem between husbands and wives. Keep in mind too, that it is the guys who CAN’T see the alternative sources in which their money can be spent, or are unable to prioritize their expenditures in a rational manner in order to make the right choices that get into trouble in this activity. These are the guys that are out of control, falling in love with escorts, acting in an addictive manner, or becoming stalkers.

For most of us, life is a daily juggling act between what we want and what we can afford. It’s one of the things that makes satisfying our desires all the sweeter when that actually occurs.  But it also can lead to feelings of guilt or remorse in many people. This doesn’t make guys that feel this way jerks, it just shows they are human.