A question was asked in a BDSM forum that struck me as somewhat odd. A submissive woman asked if it was possible for a dominant to be both nurturing and sadistic…

Surprisingly, (to me, at least) the overwhelming response was that NO a dominant cannot be both nurturing and sadistic. I’d say about 85% of the responses were from submissive women, and they said it wasn’t possible to be in a love-based BDSM relationship of any sort with a sadistic dominant. The few dominant males who responded were the type that agree with the majority out of the belief it will get them more friends.

My response is actually the exact opposite. I believe it is absolutely possible for a dominant to be nurturing and caring as well as sadistic.

Why must these terms be mutually exclusive? Why can’t someone who identifies as “submissive” also be “masochistic”? If the submissive is masochistic, then even if her sadistic dominant loves her, pain, in some form, will be part of their relationship. If it pleases the dominant to inflict pain on his submissive, and the submissive also enjoys receiving that pain, everyone benefits. Even if she doesn’t enjoy the pain, she should, ideally, enjoy serving and pleasing her dominant, in which case, everyone still benefits. He can still be nurturing and caring, he can still love her, why not? Are sadists no longer humans?

After this response, many of the submissives backtracked and claimed that they loved receiving physical pain from their dominants, and the post was obviously talking about emotional sadism, which is totally different

Sadism is sadism. And for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Masochists enjoy the pain inflcted on them by sadists. One might venture to say the sadist is nurturing the masochist’s needs….

Can a relationship between a non-masochistic submissive and a sadistic dominant work? Maybe not. But that doesn’t change the fact that a dominant CAN be nurturing and sadistic, whether the submissives in the forum wish to admit it or not.

Interesting question posted on FetLife.com:

A lot of people talk about training a sub or a slave..

But can you train a Dom?

For instance.. Scenario One; A pretty little sub girl meets a vanilla whom she falls in love with, Describes her lifestyle to the vanilla who professes to find it connects with him and wants to dominate her, Therefore can she then proceed to “train her dom”

Scenario two; Sub meets a Dom, Finds he is not fulfilling her needs, Of course there is constant communication in a relationship ( I expect) Then Can the sub train her Dom to suit her needs, Like a Dom would train his Sub?

Some say this is a violation, and if A sub does this she is trying to “top from the bottom” Which I find ridiculous personally.

Why do I never see many attempting to train their Doms?, Somehow I doubt they perfectly meet every need from the bat.

My answer:

It is possible, but I will not say it is easy.

If he is already an ALHPA MALE and mature and emotionally balanced then the task will be quite easy because he will know how to project his strong personality and values while at the same time paying attention to what works for his sub and for him. A real alpha man that is mature well developed is open to learn and will find that it is easy to fit the role of Dom comfortably. It will be quite a pleasurable journey for both.

However, if he is not an alpha male already, or not mature and well developed, or not emotionally balanced, this can be as hard as trying to teach a horse to deal cards.

Developing a “regular pussyfied american male” and turning him into an alpha male is work for serious and dedicated training programs and schools, and it usually costs thousands of dollars. Just like rehab, analysis, or deep behavior modification, it can rarely be accomplished by amateurs.

Being a good sub doesn’t mean you can be a good teacher.

Individuals who submit control of a large percentage of their day-to-day life to a dominant partner, or who submit within a formal set of rules and rituals are sometimes referred to using the term slave, which is distinctly different from the historical use of the term, and the practice of this type of consensual sexual slavery is different from the historical practice of slavery.

As with most other sexual practices and concepts, the notion of submission is usually misconstrued or misunderstood. Most people associate submission with weakness or lack of self-esteem, while in reality I very rarely found a submissive woman with either of those problems. Quite the opposite: To be great submissive a woman usually needs to be successful, happy, secure, and have a trusting relationship with her dominant partner.

In general I don’t like to have relationships with women that are submissive outside of the sexual context. I have a very strong preference for women that are strong, independent, successful and happy. I was raised by strong, creative, intelligent women and learned to admire and respect them from the beginning.

If she is already mature and liberated, happily exploring her sensuality, she will appreciate having a partner that is equally open-minded and sophisticated. If she is not quite there yet I can be the person that she can feel comfortable with and trust deeply enough to experiment and not feel judged or inadequate.

I learned and saw by experience that when a woman sees that you care about her and that you are sincere, when she trusts that you will not judge her or hurt her, if she believes she can trust your guidance, she will turn into a sexual being beyond your wildest dreams. All that stuff you saw in the porn movies and though you would never find a partner to do those crazy things with… she will do all that and much more.

Women love sex, certainly more than men love sex. A liberated woman with an appetite to satisfy her needs and desires becomes a monster you can’t feed if you don’t put plenty of attention to it.

Extracted from the article “The Real Meaning of Security” by Eve Ensler for Ode Magazine.^*

Our obsession with protecting ourselves makes us less safe. That’s the message from Eve Ensler, who travels the globe to end violence against women.

I am worried about our single-minded focus on security. I see this word, hear this word, feel this word everywhere. Real security. Security check. Security watch. Security clearance. Why has all this focus on security made me feel so much more insecure? What does anyone mean when they speak of security? Why are we suddenly a nation and a people who strive for security above all else? In fact, security is essentially elusive, impossible. We all die. We all get sick. We all get old. People leave us. People surprise us. People change us. Nothing is secure. And this is the good news. But only if you are not seeking security as the point of your life.

Here’s what happens when security becomes the center of your life. You can’t travel very far or venture too far outside a certain circle. You can’t allow too many conflicting ideas into your mind at one time as they might confuse you or challenge you. You can’t open yourself to new experiences, new people, and new ways of doing things. They might take you off course. You cling desperately to your identity – you become a strict Christian or a Muslim or a Jew. You are an Indian, an Egyptian, an Italian or an American. You are heterosexual or homosexual or you never have sex. At least that’s what you say when you identify yourself. You become part of an us and, in order to be secure, you must defend against them.

You become your nation, you become your religion, you become whatever it is that will freeze you, numb you and protect you from change or doubt. But all this shuts down your mind. In reality, you are not one drop safer. A meteor could fall from the sky, a tsunami could rise up from the sea, someone could fly a plane through your building. All this striving for security has in fact made you much more insecure. Because you must watch out all the time. There are people who are not like you, people you now call enemies. There are places you cannot go, thoughts you cannot think, worlds you can no longer inhabit. So you spend your days fighting things off, defending your territory and becoming more entrenched in your fundamental thinking. Your days become devoted to protecting yourself. This becomes your mission. This is all you do. You find ways to get as much money as you can and food and oil and everything else you need to be safe. You take these things from other people if you have to and devise new ways to do that. You invent security systems to check pockets and IDs and bags. Every object becomes a potential weapon. I travel a lot and every time I am in an airport there is a new security threat – one week it’s tweezers, the next week it’s rubber bands.

Of course now you can no longer feel what another person feels because that might shatter your heart, confuse your basic thinking, destroy the whole structure. Ideas get shorter – they become sound bites. There are evildoers and saviours. Criminals and victims. Those who are not with us are against us. It gets easier to hurt people because you do not feel what’s inside them. It gets easier to lock them up, humiliate them, occupy them, invade them, kill them. They are merely obstacles to your security.

But all of this offers only a false sense of security. Real security means contemplating death, not pretending it doesn’t exist. It means not running from loss, but feeling it, surrendering to sorrow, entering grief.

(…)

Something happened when I began to travel. I got lost. I became uprooted in time and space. I became a permanently displaced person. At first it was terrifying, not knowing who I was or where I was. Then I realized that we are all essentially displaced people, all of us are refugees, we came from somewhere – and we are hopefully travelling all the time (even if we never leave our rooms), moving toward a new place. Freedom means I may not be identified as part of any one group, but that I can visit and find myself in every group. Freedom does not mean I don’t have values or beliefs. But it does mean I am not hardened around them. I do not use them as weapons.

Freedom means not being owned, not occupied, not bought.

Freedom means finding the place in me that connects with every person I meet rather than thinking of myself as different, better or on top.

(…)

Freedom is about being vulnerable to one another, realizing that our ability to connect is more important than feeling secure, in control and alone.

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* Eve Ensler is an American writer, most well-known for her performance work The Vagina Monologues, V-Day (www.vday.org), the global movement to end violence against women and girls, and her upcoming national tour of The Good Body (www.thegoodbody.org). This text is adapted from a talk she gave at the TED: Technology, Entertainment, Design conference in Oxford, England last July.

I appreciate a deeper level of sensual connection. An intense sensual awakening that only happens when lovers trust each other and are engaged in discovering what pleasures them the most, and what pleasures their lover.

Every change brings fear and uncertainty. The curiosity and desire for better life and experience is often suppressed by the fear of delving into uncharted territory. The idea of having someone more experienced guiding along the way tends to be very attractive for that very simple reason.

I found a path to it through sensual domination. It requires a lot of trust. To win my submissive’s mind, body and soul, I know I must first win her trust. I will show my submissive humor, kindness, and warmth. I must also show her that my guidance and tutoring is knowledgeable and deserving of her attention, that I am a man she can learn from, and trust my direction.

Above all else I cherish my women, in the knowledge that the gift they give me is the greatest of all. As a stern and demanding Dominant I take full advantage of the power given to me, but know how to share the pleasure that comes from that precious gift.

The way I live and love requires a lot of trust. When was the last time you put your safety in the hands of someone else? When was the last time you did it while at the most fragile moments when you are loving, with your guard down, totally vulnerable?

I never have to demand ritual behavior by a woman. She responds to me out of the want of pleasing me. Compliance comes from the wanting to please, not the fear of punishment. I understand the fragile nature of mind and body, and never violate the trust given to me.

I am always open to communication and discussion, always ready to hear her wants and needs. I am patient, taking the time to learn her limits, and knowing that as her trust in me grows, so will the intensity of our relationship.

Creating and keeping rapport is in the center of it all. Escalating into higher levels of trust and compliance is the next thing.

The quality of our lives depends directly on the quality of our communication. Communication with others as well as the communication with ourselves. There are some words that are very important in our communication which we should pay a lot attention.

You will not use these words by accident. You only use them by design, with a purpose in mind. Take control of these words and your communication will improve substantially:

Try

The word try suggests failure or insincerity. Say that you will try to do something is not the same as saying you will do something. If you say that you will try something and you end up failing, you can always say “at least I tried!”

Get rid of this word! And when someone tells you they will try to do what you want, you can practically know that it will not happen. For example: If a friend says that he will try to send you a report that you need on Monday, you can overcome this lack of definition – “I know that you are really busy and that Monday may not be possible. Can we set-up for you to deliver this report on Tuesday, for sure?” – Once you surround the person and obtain the commitment by having him switch “try” for “for sure” the chances you will see the result are much higher.

Replace the word “try” for “for sure” in your conversations and in other peoples’.

Wrong: I will try to call you back today.

Right: I will most definitely call you back today.

Wrong: I will try to get an A on my next exam.

Right: I will get an A on my next exam for sure.

Using the words “for sure” makes you commit, and does not let space for any doubt.

I can’t

Another set of words to take out of your vocabulary are the words “I can’t”. Because this always means one of two things: “I don’t know how” or “I don’t want to”.

If I say “I can’t” to myself I immediately ask if I do not know how to do it or if I don’t want to make any effort to do it. If it is the first case I certainly try to learn, and if it is the second I abandon the idea and don’t feel guilt about it.

Remove these words from your conversation and when someone tells you that, find out if this person doesn’t know how to do what she is asked, and in this case you can help by teaching her, or if she doesn’t want to do it you can may to convince her to do it or find someone else who will.

But

This word has a hidden meaning that you need to avoid. It means a negative. When someone uses the word “but” you can eliminate whatever comes before it in the phrase. For example, if someone says:

I like to be with you, but I do not have time to be here frequently.

The truth is:

I do not have time to be here frequently.

When someone says:

I want to be rich, but building wealth takes a lot of work.

What was actually said was:

Building wealth takes a lot of work.

In each place you use the word “but” you could use “and” and your attitude would be profoundly changed:

I like to be with you and I do not have time to come here frequently.

I want to be rich and building wealth takes a lot of work.

Hope

This verb shows indecision, and should be replaced by “know”. Look:

Undecided: I hope to finish this project until the end of the year.

Decided: I know I’ll finish this project until the end of the year.

Undecided: I hope to take all the right decisions.

Decided: I know I will take all the right decisions.

If

This word always shows lack of decision and could be replaced by “when”. The progress is dramatic. See how it changes:

Weak:

If I sell this product…

If I show you how this works…

You will be satisfied if you go on a dinner date with me…

You will make a lot of money if you give me this opportunity…

Now determined:

When I sell this product…

When I show you how this works…

You will be pleased when you go on a dinner date with me…

You will make a lot of money when you give me this opportunity…

Problem