Khaos Theory

It is easy, when you are young, to believe that what you desire is no less than what you deserve. To assume that if you want something bad enough you will end up having it.

When I remember some important relationships in my past that I somehow didn’t know how to manage, or outright blew off, I just hope my hardly acquired wisdom and experience will help me avoid making similar mistakes from now on. However, knowing how I often mistook passion for insight and acted according to faulty logic, I often question if that is likely.

Passion is a poor substitute for clarity of mind, and relationships are poor receptacles for dreams, as they have their way of unravelling at their own pleasure, just like the waters of a river follow the path that suits them most.

I believe that coming into a relationship with just a romantic component is what most people do, and that is one reason those relationships tend to not last, and end bitterly. A strong relationship must be based on other components as well. I found out that a very strong component is mutual teaching. A mentor/apprentice relationship can be another very strong link between two persons and, contrary to what people usually think, both apprentice and mentor learn all the time when both challenge each other constantly.

In my relationships I expect only the best, and I demand it from them. My women also expect a lot so they challenge me constantly. They keep me on my toes and push me to improve myself, to learn at every moment, and they never let me become complacent.

Did you ever have a fabulous experience with someone and wondered if something that special will ever happen again?

In Greek mythology, Aphrodite is the goddess of love, beauty and sexual rapture.

In everyone’s lives there are certain moments or people that you can remember fondly years later. These memories remain crisp in you mind no matter how much time has passed, whether because of a good connection or sex or usually both. While these memorable times are often few and far between they are always clearly distinguishable from any other experience you had.

In these memories both people involved were amazing. The sex was fabulous yet maybe you had sex with the same person other times and it wasn’t that special at all. Perhaps it wasn’t that special with anyone else? So what is it that determines the outcome?

Sometimes when you are going through a dry spell in your relationships don’t you feel afraid that such amazing, magical, incredible spark may not happen again? Ever?

I found an interesting parallel between the concept of genius in ancient societies and our own experiences. It was considered at that time that a “genius” was a separate entity from the the artist, the person who actually produces the work. The artist gets inspiration for his work, the insight to create a masterpiece. These ancient artists were aware of the fact that this divine inspiration would not always be there, and that not every work would be a masterpiece. When one considers the genius to be an outside force, there are less psychological pressures and they wouldn’t feel that bad if the next work wasn’t as just as the previous.

In modern times we have come to think of a person himself being a genius. If one is a genius they should be able to consistently produce tremendous works. The problem with this logic is that it turns one’s craft into a burden. Suddenly, a painter isn’t simply painting, but there are expectations and demands on his work.

The same concept can be applied to relationships. The outcome of any event (date, lovemaking, courtship) depends on multiple factors, including the environment, the other person, and yourself. If any one person takes all the responsibility for the results, it will be very difficult to meet that goal.

This is especially true for a man in his late thirties or early forties. At this point in his life, his physical performance may be waning, and moments of physical brilliance may be fewer and farther between. It’s a common occurrence that the relationship with the same person over the years is not causing the same sparks anymore, or the body is not cooperating (hence Viagra, Cialis, etc), or the stress and signs of age are taking their toll.

Aphrodite protects us from narcissism. If you were fantastic lovers… you can’t take all the credit for it. But when things don’t work it is not entirely your fault either. Believing that you are the vessel, the source of all the brilliance, all sensuality, connection, and consequent success in the relationship is a bit too much responsibility for one (or even two) mere human beings.

Here is where Aphrodite comes to our rescue in a way similar to the genius in the previous example. She is like an invisible force that puts all the pieces together. She helps you both figure out, unconsciously, what it is that you like about the other person and how to make it work. When Aphrodite is on your side the experience becomes fabulous. It helps psychologically if we can accept that Aphrodite is not always there. Maybe she (Aphrodite) was there before and the experience was amazing, but she is somewhere else today and… well… it will just not be as good today.

While understanding the other person and understanding yourself does help to round out the relationship, it doesn’t necessarily produce those memorable moments. Though some may argue this point, recruiting the help of Aphrodite is not something learnable. Many claim that you can learn all the steps and factors and components that produce a fabulous relationship. Some claim that even having a great sexual experience can also be learned. That nonsense distort egos, creates anxiety and unreasonable expectations about looks and performance.

Love is capricious and there is always some uncertainty to every moment of it. But if you meet that lover again and this time it wasn’t that great, don’t beat yourself up too much. Perhaps Aphrodite wasn’t having a great day herself either. It’s her fault, not yours, and definitely not your lover’s fault.

Mentorship is fundamentally a personal relationship. Some like to call reading books or watching seminar as mentorship but I think that should be called “reading” and “attending seminars” respectively, not mentorship. The particular act of mentoring requires meeting face to face, brainstorming, discussing ideas, giving encouragement, personal attention, physical contact, following up on emails, calling on the phone when necessary, and keeping the other person accountable for everything that was decided together.

For that reason finding a mentor means convincing the person to meet at some point, and then convincing your mentor that you are worthy of meeting again and again. You can begin by email or a phone call, or the introduction by a common friend, but at some point you will have to talk eye-to-eye and open your heart, say that you need help, that you value that person’s experience and expertise, and would be happy to learn.

The good news is that when you are real and honest, and if you really want to learn, very few mentors would ever refuse to take you under their wing. When the student is ready the teacher will appear.

Mentorship refers to a developmental relationship in which a more experienced person helps a less experienced person, referred to as a protégé  apprentice, or mentee, develop in a specified capacity.

I believe that most people want to be led, and that if they are being led in a way that increases or improves their reality for the better, that they will willingly follow.

Mentorship can be the fastest and most accessible shortcut to success in anything. A mentor can help you avoid whatever may slow you down or waste your time. A mentor can show you the best direction and encourage you to get there sooner.

A mentor may also help you with his own connections, opening doors you couldn’t open on your own. And most of all, a mentor can tell you about his own mistakes so you don’t need to repeat them.

First of all read their books, listen to their CDs and podcasts, watch their seminars. In many cases you will find out that is enough for you. If you still feel that you should talk to them in person have a clear idea of what is it that you want to find out and send them an email, find out their phone number, and ask! It’s surprising how often it works because one of the reasons they are successful is exactly because they are possible to approach and willing to teach, if you are really willing to learn.

I can’t suggest any learning path other than my own. I can look back and see the lessons I learned, the mistakes I made, and the education I gathered and I can draw some suggestions from that. Please take it for what it is worth: A suggestion drawn from my personal experience.

I read a lot! Even when I didnt have any money to buy books I used to visit public libraries and read anything that could show me how to understand people, psychology, anthropology, history, philosophy.

I went to swingers clubs and kinky clubs and talked to people. I had the courage to ask those that were in those lifestyles for a long time for advice. I listened and observed.

But most important of all, I practiced! When the opportunity came to be in relationships with interesting women, who were open-minded, adventurous, and curious like me I went straight to the point and told them I wanted to learn and experienced everything I could, and asked them to join me on that discovery. When you tell that honestly, open your heart and show that you really want to become a better lover, a better friend, and a better man, what woman would refuse to play along?

What makes relationships more intense and rewarding?

Education! It’s definitely about what we know. I can say that I only reached the point where I am now and surrounded myself with smart, sexy, wonderful and exciting people because I learned some much from my past relationships and from people that had more experience and took the time to tell me what worked for them.

More educated and more mature people are capable to appreciate the nuances and details of the world around them better than others.

Knowledge is power.