KhaosTheory.com

I am a polyamorist.

People who identify as polyamorous typically reject the view that sexual and relational exclusivity are necessary for long-term loving relationships. Those who are open to, or emotionally suited for, a polyamorous lifestyle may be single or in monogamous relationships, but are more typically involved in multiple long term relationships.

Polyamory implies a relationship defined by negotiation between its members, rather than by cultural norms. Polyamory is culturally rooted in such concepts as choice and individuality, rather than in religious traditions.

Egalitarian polyamory is more closely associated with values, subcultures and ideologies that favor individual freedoms and equality in sexual matters. Many polyamorists have cultural ties to Naturism, BDSM, Modern Tantra and other special interest groups. For example, egalitarian polyamory and BDSM often face similar challenges (e.g. negotiating the ground rules for unconventional relationships, or the question of coming out to family and friends).

As many people feel very insecure about living outside the confines of mainstream behavior and norms, it is quite a challenge for them to engage in polyamory for a significant length of time. Also, the weight of some cultural values like romantic love and exclusivity in intimate relationships is deeply ingrained in the psyche of many, by religious indoctrination, family education and tradition.

Polyamorous relationships, in practice, are highly varied and individualized. Ideally they are built upon values of trust, loyalty, negotiation, and compersion^*, as well as rejection of jealousy, possessiveness, and restrictive cultural standards. Such relationships are often more fluid than the traditional “dating and marriage” model of long-term relationships, and the participants in a polyamorous relationship may not have preconceptions as to duration.

For that reason it can be a lot less stressful and less dramatic when someone leaves the relationship.

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* Compersion is a term used by practitioners of polyamory to describe the experience of taking pleasure that one’s partner is with another person. The feeling may or may not be sexual. Quite often it’s not.

Polyamory is the desire, practice, or acceptance of having more than one loving, intimate relationship at a time with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved, and is sometimes described as consensual, ethical, or responsible non-monogamy.

The defining characteristic of polyamory is belief in the possibility of, and value of, multiple romantic loving relationships carried out with the knowledge and consent of all partners concerned. What distinguishes polyamory from traditional forms of non-monogamy (i.e. cheating) is an ideology that openness, goodwill, intense communication, and ethical behavior should prevail among all the parties involved. Some consider polyamory to be, at its root, the generalization of romantic couple-love beyond two people into something larger.

The expression “open relationship” denotes a relationship in which participants may have sexual connections with others. When a married couple makes such an agreement, it may be termed an “open marriage”. Some forms of polyamorous relationship are not open (e.g. polyfidelity). And some open relationships may be open only sexually, while exclusive emotionally. However, there is broad overlap between open relationships and polyamory.

It is possible for a person with polyamorous relationships to also engage in casual sex, traditional swinging, and other open relationships. Sometimes polyamorous people have been known to engage in infidelities or secret affairs, although this is no better accepted in polyamorous communities than in monogamous ones.

I took some time thinking about it as I knew I was taking an important decision in life. I knew that I had come to the cross-roads in my life and I would have to choose a path. Whichever the path I knew I would be losing something.

I know that during my life I will get to know women that I will admire and desire, and love, but will never have. At least won’t have in any lasting meaningful way because they want different things.

I believe the most important reason I prefer mLTRs is that I don’t need to lie to myself and I don’t need to lie to others.

In the past, specially during my first marriage, I felt all the guilt of wanting to be with other women and lying to my wife, while other times being faithful to her but not satisfied with my own lifestyle. All my friends, except one, have cheated on their wives, or are doing it now, or are about to do it soon.

I also don’t like to lie to a woman, tell her that I will be monogamous with her, when in my heart I believe that is not likely to last, and definitely not something that I think is the best.

While I fully accept that I’m not a good prospect for a long term monogamous relationship, I’m honest and straightforward about what I want out of my relationships and I’m not trying to deceive anyone to believe otherwise.

I would hazard a guess that my way of doing things is easier and makes for far fewer potentially hurt feelings and misunderstandings, as I’m not changing the rules in the middle of the game. I make it quite clear at the beginning of each new relationship that no matter how I may come to feel for them, that monogamy is not likely to ever become a part of our relationship. If they feel they can’t handle that, they have the chance to walk away then, before hurt feelings develop.

As a matter of definition, the term mLTR stands for Multiple Long Term Relationships, and it refers to a situation where you have several women as LTR’s and each of them knows you are seeing other women. They are OK with it either because the situation caters to some vicarious bisexuality on the part of the women, or because they see you as enough of a prize that they are willing to go along with the arrangement just to be with you.

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Adapted from Fast Seduction 101.