The basic blueprint

To understand the dynamics of dating in general it is important to have a certain understanding of our biological/evolutionary blueprint. This blueprint has a very simple purpose: to assure the continuation of our species. A simple task and done quite well, but not without some conflicts and misunderstandings that confuse people in modern societies.

Evolutionary theory suggests that a woman places significant emphasis on a man’s ability to provide resources and protection. These resources and protection are important in ensuring the successful raising of the woman’s offspring. The ability to provide resources and protection might also be sought because the underlying traits are likely to be passed on to male offspring. The theory also suggests that people whose physical features suggest they are healthy are seen as more attractive. However, from a reproductive standpoint women are torn between a mate that represents the best genetic health and will contribute survival characteristics to their children, versus the mate that will stick around long enough to help her raise the baby to the point of independence, which in humans is, regrettably, a very long time.

Alpha males, commonly represented by wild “bad boys” are the most capable of risk-taking, vitality and strength – survival characteristics from our genetic past. Seeking adventure and flirting with danger for fun is exactly the thing you’re looking for if your genetic history includes being chased around by large cats and having to kill invaders. So while these personality characteristics are sought out by females as representing genetic health and survival, history has shown they tend to make bad fathers, hence the conflict. They don’t always come home, or have a strong enough couple-bond to either the mother or the baby to raise it. So like all of us, their strength also defines their weakness.

Being a promiscuous rogue may be as successful a reproductive strategy as the strategy of being a reliable provider. According to an article in The Independent, there is a “dark triad” of personality traits associated with naturally occurring ‘bad boys’, consisting of narcissism, thrill-seeking, and deceitfulness. The attraction of beautiful women to the “bad boy” archetype is attributed both to his confidence, intriguing mystery, seeming indifference (suggesting an abundance of sexual options) and unavailability, which challenges women to chase him.

This contrasts with supplicating men who seem needy and desperate to please, suggesting lower value, and so they are less attractive. The more stable male that will stick with the mother and raise the kids may not have the strongest survival characteristics, at least in the world that shaped our genetic heritage.

Evolutionary psychologist Professor Bill von Hippel claims that women are especially attracted to such bad boys when they are ovulating. He showed that women are continuously resolving this conflict on an unconscious level by being attracted to the “bad boy” type of male while ovulating (and most likely to conceive), and the stable type during the rest of her menstrual cycle. The study also found married women were more likely to stray during ovulation and you can guess which type of man they sought.

So it’s not your imagination – women are attracted to bad boys, whether they’re gladiators, fighter pilots, or football players. These guys have been making women squirm in their seats for centuries. And yes, they have been getting the girls because they represent strength, and risk-taking. But when it comes time for marriage and raising a family, most women seek the stable type of male personality.

Of course, the power of sexual attraction is strong and many women make the mistake of marrying (or being impregnated by) the “bad boy,” only to find themselves raising their child alone when the inevitable happens – the bad boy takes off in search of his next adventure. He is not likely to have the ‘stay around-ness’ character that is also needed, and he dashes off.

This isn’t exactly a new situation and nearly every society has invented the institution of marriage to resolve this fundamental problem and ensure its own preservation. After all, what’s the benefit to the social group of rowing your long boat all the way across the sea to rape and plunder if you decide you don’t want to return home after sampling the local beauties? Whether watching his sails disappear over the horizon, or the tail lights of his pick-up truck as he pulls out of your driveway, those are only variations on an age-old theme. Unfortunately, as the institution of marriage is also a very imperfect model, more and more women are forced to raise families on their own.

So don’t blame yourself if you’re a nice guy and seem destined to pay the bills while the stud gets the girls. It’s all in the genes and it’s been that way for thousands of years. Our behaviors are defined much more by 180 thousand years of evolution from the caves to the villages than by 10 thousand years of agricultural life, or just 250 years or so of industrialism. We are off the shelf mammals, with a very thin veneer of civilization on top.

The similarity of roles in modern society

In todays world, the everyday lives of men and women are almost exactly the same: we both get up, deal with the traffic, go to work (deal with some of the exact same work scenarios), drive home and have the same duties to do when we get home and the cycle begins again.

The distinction between men and women is lesser than it used to be. In earlier times life was more difficult, clearly more brutal in most social environments. For one thing, the ratio of men to women was much greater than today in many situations, like during colonization and conquests. The men went first to fight and destroy and the families would follow later, balancing the ratio of males x females back to normality. That in itself meant that men had to stake their claims on a woman, home and family and there was much to protect for and against. It was easy for a man to be a hero in his wife and children’s eyes then because he was pretty much facing foes and challenges all the time and for her.

Contemporary living

Modern life has really wrecked havoc on our sexual attraction. Things have just changed too fast in the last hundred years especially. We now live in a world where a more intellectual type of guy is the better provider – not a “nerd” necessarily, but someone who has the ability to succeed in an white collar/business environment.

Physical strength and daring are no longer a requirement for modern living, yet we’re still attracted to them. To compensate for the blandness and safety of modern existence, we create sports and other extreme activities. They serve the same purpose, but they are contrived and manufactured risk, merely re-enactments of the risk-taking inherent in our history. They may sometimes be life-threatening, but they are pursued for the thrill of the experience, not to obtain food from an uncooperative bison or to flee a pursuing bear.

As a result, the modern woman is just as out of her element as the modern man. She still wants to be “claimed”, and secretly gets excited at the proposition of a gallant knight sweeping her off her feet and taking her away as his bride (kicking and screaming optional). While it’s not PC to even discuss this subject anymore, women are as genetically predisposed to be “taken” as men are to win them and sweep them away.

The problem in modern, civilized life is obvious, however, as laws seeking to modify behavior and ensure safety come up against this ancient instinct. Of course, in most of us, this is just takes the form of harmless flirting with a little sexual tension thrown in for good measure. He invites her to watch his football game, she screams and cheers as he makes a good catch, and then gives his big, sweaty body a hug after the game – all very primal, but satisfying very basic needs.

Sadly, these urges are not controlled and a little too close to the surface in some men, and you end up with rapists and stalkers. But let’s face it, until fairly modern times (genetically speaking) most men were rapists and stalkers. So it’s a delicate dance, and civilization is a thin veneer at best since we’re always juggling the disparate urges so deeply ingrained in us all.

Since we live in a world where the biggest risk most of us take is getting to work on the freeway, we have to substitute for the things that are now missing in our bland, modern lives. Women read romance novels and go to “chick flicks,” and guys vicariously live battle and conquest through sports, gambling, and aggressive business competition, as well as take risks through other extreme activities. Both are satisfying basic instincts they don’t even know they have.

Passion is the key element

Going back to the characteristics and ‘action’, which I want to portray as ‘passion’. Say for example the Mafia movies, or gang types. It’s always said that those who love passionately, hate passionately. The one reason that women have put up with the jealous types is because (to them) it shows the guys care, that it matters to them, and makes them feel special to see how much they are affected. Only later do they see it isn’t necessarily about ‘caring’, or ‘loving’ but about hangups – theirs! Those same men, throw the remote down on the couch, don’t grab the beer, but instead, grab their women in their arms right in the middle of her doing the dishes, and dash off to the bedroom, toss her like a sack-o-taters down on the bed, and yank her panties down to enjoy her! Yeah, that unleashed passion – that ‘action’ man is what gets to us all. That kind of man whose actions say you are ‘taken’, and ‘off limits’ because he has staked his claim makes one feel chosen, wanted, and secure.

You don’t need to read romance novels to know that the reason they sell is because of all the passion! If you ask women and they feel comfortable enough to tell you how it really it, they will say things like “Well, he just seemed to ‘know’ how to play it with me, tossed me on the bed and just had his way! Jumped right into a role play and I was taken right in with his passion”.

That, I think is the key. The action, the heroism (perceived), strength and vitality, but foremost is passion.

It is easy, when you are young, to believe that what you desire is no less than what you deserve. To assume that if you want something bad enough you will end up having it.

When I remember some important relationships in my past that I somehow didn’t know how to manage, or outright blew off, I just hope my hardly acquired wisdom and experience will help me avoid making similar mistakes from now on. However, knowing how I often mistook passion for insight and acted according to faulty logic, I often question if that is likely.

Passion is a poor substitute for clarity of mind, and relationships are poor receptacles for dreams, as they have their way of unravelling at their own pleasure, just like the waters of a river follow the path that suits them most.

I believe that coming into a relationship with just a romantic component is what most people do, and that is one reason those relationships tend to not last, and end bitterly. A strong relationship must be based on other components as well. I found out that a very strong component is mutual teaching. A mentor/apprentice relationship can be another very strong link between two persons and, contrary to what people usually think, both apprentice and mentor learn all the time when both challenge each other constantly.

In my relationships I expect only the best, and I demand it from them. My women also expect a lot so they challenge me constantly. They keep me on my toes and push me to improve myself, to learn at every moment, and they never let me become complacent.

Did you ever have a fabulous experience with someone and wondered if something that special will ever happen again?

In Greek mythology, Aphrodite is the goddess of love, beauty and sexual rapture.

In everyone’s lives there are certain moments or people that you can remember fondly years later. These memories remain crisp in you mind no matter how much time has passed, whether because of a good connection or sex or usually both. While these memorable times are often few and far between they are always clearly distinguishable from any other experience you had.

In these memories both people involved were amazing. The sex was fabulous yet maybe you had sex with the same person other times and it wasn’t that special at all. Perhaps it wasn’t that special with anyone else? So what is it that determines the outcome?

Sometimes when you are going through a dry spell in your relationships don’t you feel afraid that such amazing, magical, incredible spark may not happen again? Ever?

I found an interesting parallel between the concept of genius in ancient societies and our own experiences. It was considered at that time that a “genius” was a separate entity from the the artist, the person who actually produces the work. The artist gets inspiration for his work, the insight to create a masterpiece. These ancient artists were aware of the fact that this divine inspiration would not always be there, and that not every work would be a masterpiece. When one considers the genius to be an outside force, there are less psychological pressures and they wouldn’t feel that bad if the next work wasn’t as just as the previous.

In modern times we have come to think of a person himself being a genius. If one is a genius they should be able to consistently produce tremendous works. The problem with this logic is that it turns one’s craft into a burden. Suddenly, a painter isn’t simply painting, but there are expectations and demands on his work.

The same concept can be applied to relationships. The outcome of any event (date, lovemaking, courtship) depends on multiple factors, including the environment, the other person, and yourself. If any one person takes all the responsibility for the results, it will be very difficult to meet that goal.

This is especially true for a man in his late thirties or early forties. At this point in his life, his physical performance may be waning, and moments of physical brilliance may be fewer and farther between. It’s a common occurrence that the relationship with the same person over the years is not causing the same sparks anymore, or the body is not cooperating (hence Viagra, Cialis, etc), or the stress and signs of age are taking their toll.

Aphrodite protects us from narcissism. If you were fantastic lovers… you can’t take all the credit for it. But when things don’t work it is not entirely your fault either. Believing that you are the vessel, the source of all the brilliance, all sensuality, connection, and consequent success in the relationship is a bit too much responsibility for one (or even two) mere human beings.

Here is where Aphrodite comes to our rescue in a way similar to the genius in the previous example. She is like an invisible force that puts all the pieces together. She helps you both figure out, unconsciously, what it is that you like about the other person and how to make it work. When Aphrodite is on your side the experience becomes fabulous. It helps psychologically if we can accept that Aphrodite is not always there. Maybe she (Aphrodite) was there before and the experience was amazing, but she is somewhere else today and… well… it will just not be as good today.

While understanding the other person and understanding yourself does help to round out the relationship, it doesn’t necessarily produce those memorable moments. Though some may argue this point, recruiting the help of Aphrodite is not something learnable. Many claim that you can learn all the steps and factors and components that produce a fabulous relationship. Some claim that even having a great sexual experience can also be learned. That nonsense distort egos, creates anxiety and unreasonable expectations about looks and performance.

Love is capricious and there is always some uncertainty to every moment of it. But if you meet that lover again and this time it wasn’t that great, don’t beat yourself up too much. Perhaps Aphrodite wasn’t having a great day herself either. It’s her fault, not yours, and definitely not your lover’s fault.

Sometimes, we expect or even fall in love with the characters that people play and forget that they’re also real people. Popular culture makes us view people by such high standards, always free of trouble and cool all the time. Invariably, we become attracted to that image even though no one is really like that.

For the same reasons, clients often fall in love with escorts. Fans fall in love with their famous idols. They see them when they’re perfect, well dressed, and focused on doing whatever is it they do very well. They dosn’t meet those same idols when they are in the supermarket, having a bad day, or with a bad case of PMS.

It’s much like falling in love with Batman, there is no link to reality. Especially because at the end of the day, Batman is just Bruce Wayne. No one ever sees Batman washing the Batmobile or going to Jiffy Lube for an oil change. In movies, they’re never doing maintenance, they’re only ever enjoying.

Similarly, people who study sexual behavior in the last three or four decades have noticed how porn has been changing the expectations people have about sex. In the past, we expected a more romantic sexual experience.  Now, because of the availability of porn, most of the population expects the other person to perform like a porn star. Because very few people can do it, expectations often come crashing down.

Relationships: easy to get into, hard to maintain. Why are they so hard to maintain? Because it’s hard to keep up the lie. ’Cause you can’t get nobody being you. You got to lie to get somebody. You can’t get nobody looking like you look, acting like you act… sounding like you sound. When you meet somebody for the first time, you’re not meeting them. You’re meeting their representative. – Chris Rock

We should recognize whether we’re meeting with the person or their representative. If you’re going to put forth any kind of image, you should keep in mind that the image is tarnishable. At some point the person will get to know you for who you really are. If you create a character it tends to lead to disappointment.

However, if you want someone to have a cool image of you, don’t do any maintenance in front of them. Make this policy part of who you are, not just something you do. Reserve time for yourself, time alone, and do all the maintenance during that time.

I find it interesting that while many people agree that generally speaking, the man in a relationship should be “older” than the female, there is still such distaste for larger age disparities in relationships. Strangely enough, there are even rules about how to calculate the age that is “too old” or “too young” for you (the “half-your-age-plus-seven” rule).

Many younger women who seek relationships with older men are referred to as “gold-diggers,” by their critics. Clearly, the only thing attracting a younger woman to an older man is his money, right?

On the other hand, a young man lusting after an older woman is considered normal (the hot teacher fantasy). In fact, he would probably receive a pat on the back from his friends for accomplishing such a thing.

A large number of younger women will note that men their own age are often far less mature than they are. Women are also notably more attracted to powerful men, and younger men simply haven’t had the time to grow up and earn the same type of respect and power that an older man has. Combine that with the fact that older men are much more well-mannered, experienced and dependable, it’s easy to see why women are attracted to men ten or twenty years their senior.

This type of relationship holds the most appeal for both parties involved. The older men get the companionship of a younger woman who is all to ready to pamper him. Younger women get the attentions and affections of attractive, older and powerful men.

For many the word “daddy” conjures images of family, and, therefore, when used in romantic relationships, of incest. In fact, the phrase “sugar daddy” was coined specifically to inspire these kinds of thoughts. A younger woman simply should NOT desire the affections of a man old enough to be her father.

But the truth is, many women do look for the characteristics of a good father wheen seeking out a mate. They typically want someone who they see as a “father figure” (or at least who has the potential to be one to their future children). Generally speaking, the characteristics of a good father are also the characteristics of a good boyfriend or husband.

So why is it that seeking out someone who acts like a father is less taboo than seeking out someone who looks like a father? Why is it somehow more incestuous to call a man “daddy” than to have him act like a father to you? Don’t, in fact, most new mothers refer to their husbands as “daddy” once they’ve had children?

I am a polyamorist.

People who identify as polyamorous typically reject the view that sexual and relational exclusivity are necessary for long-term loving relationships. Those who are open to, or emotionally suited for, a polyamorous lifestyle may be single or in monogamous relationships, but are more typically involved in multiple long term relationships.

Polyamory implies a relationship defined by negotiation between its members, rather than by cultural norms. Polyamory is culturally rooted in such concepts as choice and individuality, rather than in religious traditions.

Egalitarian polyamory is more closely associated with values, subcultures and ideologies that favor individual freedoms and equality in sexual matters. Many polyamorists have cultural ties to Naturism, BDSM, Modern Tantra and other special interest groups. For example, egalitarian polyamory and BDSM often face similar challenges (e.g. negotiating the ground rules for unconventional relationships, or the question of coming out to family and friends).

As many people feel very insecure about living outside the confines of mainstream behavior and norms, it is quite a challenge for them to engage in polyamory for a significant length of time. Also, the weight of some cultural values like romantic love and exclusivity in intimate relationships is deeply ingrained in the psyche of many, by religious indoctrination, family education and tradition.

Polyamorous relationships, in practice, are highly varied and individualized. Ideally they are built upon values of trust, loyalty, negotiation, and compersion^*, as well as rejection of jealousy, possessiveness, and restrictive cultural standards. Such relationships are often more fluid than the traditional “dating and marriage” model of long-term relationships, and the participants in a polyamorous relationship may not have preconceptions as to duration.

For that reason it can be a lot less stressful and less dramatic when someone leaves the relationship.

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* Compersion is a term used by practitioners of polyamory to describe the experience of taking pleasure that one’s partner is with another person. The feeling may or may not be sexual. Quite often it’s not.

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The Gynotex Soft Tampons are hygienic and separately packed. The purpose of the tampon is to close off the cervix. This makes intercourse during the period possible and hygienic. The Gynotex Soft Tampon is a comfort for working women as well as for those active in sport. The tampon is also very useful for a visit at sauna and pool.

If you want to play rough, heal quick, then play some more. Wayne’s Whoop-Ass Healing Balm was designed to rapidly repair bruised and rough, raw skin, with this perfect blend of key active ingredients is anti-inflammatory, antibacterial, antiseptic, healing and refreshing. Apply a thin layer immediately after “rough play”, and as often as needed, for best results.

I hate condoms! I detest condoms! I really had a very difficult time with them… until not too long ago LifeStyles SKINS was introduced to the market. These condoms are really fabulous and the sensation is really close to using nothing at all.

If you want to spice up your pad, add some flavor to your play area, here is a great source of sex furniture! Liberator also has some very cool toys and other interesting things. But in my opinion their furniture is the most interesting.

Polyamory is the desire, practice, or acceptance of having more than one loving, intimate relationship at a time with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved, and is sometimes described as consensual, ethical, or responsible non-monogamy.

The defining characteristic of polyamory is belief in the possibility of, and value of, multiple romantic loving relationships carried out with the knowledge and consent of all partners concerned. What distinguishes polyamory from traditional forms of non-monogamy (i.e. cheating) is an ideology that openness, goodwill, intense communication, and ethical behavior should prevail among all the parties involved. Some consider polyamory to be, at its root, the generalization of romantic couple-love beyond two people into something larger.

The expression “open relationship” denotes a relationship in which participants may have sexual connections with others. When a married couple makes such an agreement, it may be termed an “open marriage”. Some forms of polyamorous relationship are not open (e.g. polyfidelity). And some open relationships may be open only sexually, while exclusive emotionally. However, there is broad overlap between open relationships and polyamory.

It is possible for a person with polyamorous relationships to also engage in casual sex, traditional swinging, and other open relationships. Sometimes polyamorous people have been known to engage in infidelities or secret affairs, although this is no better accepted in polyamorous communities than in monogamous ones.