Khaos Theory

First of all read their books, listen to their CDs and podcasts, watch their seminars. In many cases you will find out that is enough for you. If you still feel that you should talk to them in person have a clear idea of what is it that you want to find out and send them an email, find out their phone number, and ask! It’s surprising how often it works because one of the reasons they are successful is exactly because they are possible to approach and willing to teach, if you are really willing to learn.

We all start from nothing. We arrive to this world naked, helpless and ignorant.

You accumulate certain resources throughout life, or maybe you have not accumulated any, usually measured by money. This vision is limited because it excludes many other resources you have:

Wealth is not made of money. Money is only one manifestation of wealth. It is a form, but not a substance. Prosperity is a mentality, not things. You can be prosperous without having much money. You can be rich and not be prosperous.

I am troubled by how much people measure success by money, while one thing has very little to do with the other. Do you think Gandhi was not a successful figure because his portfolio was not impressive? Would you classify Mother Theresa as a failure because she was not a rich woman? Most of our founding fathers end up their lives badly in debt. Jesus was broke!

At the same time we all know many people that have a lot of money and we wouldn’t trade places with them, we wouldn’t want their broken lives, and we would not want to be as unhappy, as frustrated, or as stupid as them.

Money does not measure how proud we are of our kids, or how loving we are to our spouses. Money does not reveal how much we care for the others and how loving we are to the ones who need our help. When you say something good to someone on the street that doesn’t add a dollar to your bank account, but it adds value to your life. Making money is important and we know many reasons to make lots of it, but never fall into the trap of measuring the value of people by how much they have.

Sexual repression is nothing new. Many societies around the world place restrictions on the sex lives of their citizens, often with heavy consequences should an individual deviate from what is considered acceptable in that society. Adulterers, unwed lovers, homosexuals, and even people caught in the act of masturbating have been institutionalized, tortured, mutilated, or even executed for committing acts of sexual gratification.

While we no longer hang people for having sex out of wedlock or clamp spiked rings over the penises of masturbators, we can still hear the harpies of morality screeching their anti-sex agendas from pulpits and campaign platforms across the country. Concerned citizens boycott stores that carry literature about certain forms of sexual activity and lobby to squash anything remotely resembling sexual education in our schools. Television and radio producers are fined and chastised if their programming is deemed to be too racy for those moral-minded, sensitive American audiences. Adult-oriented establishments are greatly restricted in their activities, watched like hawks, and heavily fined or shut down completely.

Even in the privacy of their own homes, citizens are strongly discouraged against practicing any type of sexual activity outside of mundane and marital pairings. So it comes as no surprise that real, practical sexual education is not common.

I usually ask why is it that we are thought how to floss, how to drive, how to hold a fork, and how to do many other pedestrian things – but when it comes to learn how to be a good lover, a good friend, and a good parent, things that are decisive for our happiness and the happiness of those around us, we are generally left to our own devices, and to trial and error.

I can’t suggest any learning path other than my own. I can look back and see the lessons I learned, the mistakes I made, and the education I gathered and I can draw some suggestions from that. Please take it for what it is worth: A suggestion drawn from my personal experience.

I read a lot! Even when I didnt have any money to buy books I used to visit public libraries and read anything that could show me how to understand people, psychology, anthropology, history, philosophy.

I went to swingers clubs and kinky clubs and talked to people. I had the courage to ask those that were in those lifestyles for a long time for advice. I listened and observed.

But most important of all, I practiced! When the opportunity came to be in relationships with interesting women, who were open-minded, adventurous, and curious like me I went straight to the point and told them I wanted to learn and experienced everything I could, and asked them to join me on that discovery. When you tell that honestly, open your heart and show that you really want to become a better lover, a better friend, and a better man, what woman would refuse to play along?

My relationships have been characterized as more challenging and more rewarding. They take more trust, more honesty, and more openness than most. We get more pleasure and also build up a deeper level of respect and support than most people ever do.

What makes relationships more intense and rewarding?

Education! It’s definitely about what we know. I can say that I only reached the point where I am now and surrounded myself with smart, sexy, wonderful and exciting people because I learned some much from my past relationships and from people that had more experience and took the time to tell me what worked for them.

More educated and more mature people are capable to appreciate the nuances and details of the world around them better than others.

Knowledge is power.

It seems you can’t order oysters at a restaurant without someone saying “Oysters are aphrodisiacs! What are you up to today?” or some similar moronic comment. No, oysters are not aphrodisiacs, they are just another overpriced mollusk that happens to taste controversial.

There are three real aphrodisiacs.

Know them because if one of them doesn’t do it, one of the other two will.

The first one is wealth, the potential or willingness to add value to one’s reality. That value can come in the form of material wealth (money, gifts), power (connections, influence), or life style (fun, pleasure).

The second is curiosity. If you excite one’s curiosity enough you will generate enough attraction to bring the person towards you. Attraction can be the starting point to begin a relationship or even get to sex. But you need something more to bring the person to a much deeper level of intimacy and curiosity is the most straightforward  way to get to it.

The third one is dominance. Most women respond very well to true, positive dominance. If you ask them they will usually say otherwise, because they have been trained by society to say otherwise, but don’t pay attention to what they say: Look at what they do.

I took some time thinking about it as I knew I was taking an important decision in life. I knew that I had come to the cross-roads in my life and I would have to choose a path. Whichever the path I knew I would be losing something.

I know that during my life I will get to know women that I will admire and desire, and love, but will never have. At least won’t have in any lasting meaningful way because they want different things.

Take a decision early. Poliamory is not something you can snap in and out of quickly. It is a lifestyle that takes time building and takes energy maintaining. It will also filter the number of people that could possibly get involved with you to less than half of the general population. Furthermore, polyamorous relationships are more fluid and people tend to come in and get out of it in a fluid and dynamic way in a state of constant renewal.

So if a woman you really like will not agree to enter, or will not stay long in a polyamorous relationship, don’t be surprised or upset. Make her your friend, and be sure that there will be someone else just as great down your path.

Some people assume that every woman wants or should want nothing else but a long term monogamous relationship. While this is indeed true for most women, it’s not true of all women, as some women aren’t cut out for that type of relationship any more than some men are.

I believe the most important reason I prefer Polyamory is that I don’t need to lie to myself and I don’t need to lie to others.

In the past, specially during my first marriage, I felt all the guilt of wanting to be with other women and lying to my wife, while other times being faithful to her but not satisfied with my own lifestyle. All my friends, except one, have cheated on their wives, or are doing it now, or are about to do it soon.

I also don’t like to lie to a woman, tell her that I will be monogamous with her, when in my heart I believe that is not likely to last, and definitely not something that I think is the best.

While I fully accept that I’m not a good prospect for a long term monogamous relationship, I’m honest and straightforward about what I want out of my relationships and I’m not trying to deceive anyone to believe otherwise.

I would hazard a guess that my way of doing things is easier and makes for far fewer potentially hurt feelings and misunderstandings, as I’m not changing the rules in the middle of the game. I make it quite clear at the beginning of each new relationship that no matter how I may come to feel for them, that monogamy is not likely to ever become a permanent part of our relationship. If they feel they can’t handle that, they have the chance to walk away then, before hurt feelings develop.