Khaos Theory

What if a woman is definitely not interested in my lifestyle?

This is so much about filtering! Naturally there are many women out there that I admire, that I find sexy, smart, talented, wonderful and desirable and our lives will never share the same path.

The secret is understand and accept that you can’t have everyone. Wanting to attract or seduce everyone is immature. Suffering for not being able to attract of seduce someone in particular is in general a reaction that comes from believing in scarcity, believing there are not enough great prospects out there. The result is one-itis.

Now, what do I do with a sexy, smart, talented, wonderful and desirable woman that I will not have an intimate relationship with? I value and keep our friendship.

I loved that phrase from Al Pacino’s character Walter Burke, in the movie The Recruit.

I am a very good judge of value. After a few years studying human behavior and practicing, interviewing people for jobs and gigs, negotiating, and handling the volatile material that composes human interactions, I became very sensitive and capable of detecting the patterns of conversation and behavior that elicit what I want to know about people.

Most people have low self-esteem, but at the same time try [hard] to project more value than they have. Both women and men tend to have this shortcoming: They have value that they don’t know how to demonstrate. And they lack value that they try to bullshit you into thinking they have. That happens quite often actually; particularly by people hustling or bullshitting you.

I detect that fast, I detect it soon, and in general I avoid people like that.

Who is more likely to find you?

I have online profiles related to my interests, lifestyle and sexual preferences. Those that share the same preferences and are curious or engaged in similar interests are most likely to find me than anyone else.

When they are using search engines or browsing social networks that I participate on, looking for people with the same interests as they have, they will find me there.

Equally important is that the general public will not find me. If you create a profile or web site that is too general wither it will suck and not attract anyone, or it will attract too many and you will waste a great amount of time trying to find good contacts in the middle of it.

What is the difference between finding them and having them find you?

It’s a world of difference. By making myself exposed online and approachable that way I filter possible contacts. It saves me a whole lot of work because I tell on my web sites and on-line profiles what I am looking for and how I am. This way the people that would like to see me will get in touch, and the ones that don’t like something will just move on.

The more unique and specialized your interests are the more difficult it is to find other people with the very same interests among the general population. The Internet is the resource that allows people from any place and any combination of interests to find each other to collaborate.

You can stay home waiting for strangers to stop by and introduce themselves to you. The more you tell the world who you are and what you want, the more the world will give it to you.

You can convince someone to do anything. You can also convince everyone to something. But I can’t believe that you can convince everyone to do anything.

But with enough time and planning you can convince nearly anyone to do nearly anything. However timing becomes a factor here.

That is part of filtering: You have to evaluate how much effort it will take to approach, build rapport, and then persuade someone. Some cases are easier than others and a good filtering process will help you find out what are the fruits hanging lower on the tree, and you go for those. Life is short, and we can’t waste time convincing everyone while all you need is find the one person that is already convinced.

I took some time thinking about it as I knew I was taking an important decision in life. I knew that I had come to the cross-roads in my life and I would have to choose a path. Whichever the path I knew I would be losing something.

I know that during my life I will get to know women that I will admire and desire, and love, but will never have. At least won’t have in any lasting meaningful way because they want different things.

Take a decision early. Poliamory is not something you can snap in and out of quickly. It is a lifestyle that takes time building and takes energy maintaining. It will also filter the number of people that could possibly get involved with you to less than half of the general population. Furthermore, polyamorous relationships are more fluid and people tend to come in and get out of it in a fluid and dynamic way in a state of constant renewal.

So if a woman you really like will not agree to enter, or will not stay long in a polyamorous relationship, don’t be surprised or upset. Make her your friend, and be sure that there will be someone else just as great down your path.

I believe the most important reason I prefer Polyamory is that I don’t need to lie to myself and I don’t need to lie to others.

In the past, specially during my first marriage, I felt all the guilt of wanting to be with other women and lying to my wife, while other times being faithful to her but not satisfied with my own lifestyle. All my friends, except one, have cheated on their wives, or are doing it now, or are about to do it soon.

I also don’t like to lie to a woman, tell her that I will be monogamous with her, when in my heart I believe that is not likely to last, and definitely not something that I think is the best.

While I fully accept that I’m not a good prospect for a long term monogamous relationship, I’m honest and straightforward about what I want out of my relationships and I’m not trying to deceive anyone to believe otherwise.

I would hazard a guess that my way of doing things is easier and makes for far fewer potentially hurt feelings and misunderstandings, as I’m not changing the rules in the middle of the game. I make it quite clear at the beginning of each new relationship that no matter how I may come to feel for them, that monogamy is not likely to ever become a permanent part of our relationship. If they feel they can’t handle that, they have the chance to walk away then, before hurt feelings develop.