Khaos Theory

According to Barney Stinson, the conniving but lovable bachelor on the show “How I Met Your Mother,” picking up women is quite easy. He suggests a foolproof method with two easy steps:

1) Accumulate a billion dollars
2) Sleep with women

Barney says this method has a 100% success rate and it attracts “any woman throughout space and time, although it sucks to have to pay taxes.”

Well what if you aren’t a sitcom character, and you don’t have the time to become a billionaire? Lots of men go for something I call the “cold approach.” They dress up in trendy duds, gather some friends, and head out to a bar or nightclub. They set out with a goal of meeting a hot girl and, hopefully, getting laid. If a guy isn’t bold enough to walk up and start grinding on an unsuspecting girl on the dance floor, he might buy a woman a drink, or toss out a cheesy pickup line. At best, he finds a girl drunk and/or horny enough to overlook his awkward approach and have a conversation, which may or may not lead to a one-night stand. At worst, he ends up gnawing off his own arm, to free himself from a girl who has passed out next to him in a pool of vomit.

Most quality women don’t go to clubs to meet guys – they go to clubs to dance. In fact, a growing number of women prefer going to gay clubs to dance, so they can avoid the whole tired pickup scene altogether.

So where does this leave the nice single guy who doesn’t come from New Jersey and wear Ed Hardy t-shirts? I recommend something called the “warm approach,” in which you arrange to meet women with whom you may already have something in common. Now ideally this thing in common is not your workplace. But there are plenty of other options available to the guy willing to give it a shot.

What does step #1 look like in this more realistic “warm approach” to meeting women? It’s simple – it’s called getting a life. Travel, join activities and just plain get out of the house. If you go for athletic or competitive women, join a co-ed sports league. If you are seeking a girl with a big heart, try getting involved in volunteer work or a charity. Instead of taking your dog for a walk around the block, go to the dog park to meet women who also love canines. Take community college classes on subjects that interest you, like food and wine, photography or foreign languages. Attend bartending school even if you don’t plan to become a bartender. Join yoga classes if you prefer fit, hot, vegetarian, kind of hippie leaning chicks.

Once you’ve found a nice, non-threatening environment like one of the above, where women will let their guards down, don’t suddenly act like a pickup artist. Not every woman is going to want to sleep with you – some will become friends simply because of your shared interests. Either way, remember that people will choose whether or not to connect with you based on how you make them feel. The best way to make a woman you’ve just met feel good is simply by asking questions and showing an interest in what she has to say. And then when it’s time to impress her with your personality, don’t just tell her what you are about. Share your stories. Hopefully you’ve followed my advice and done some things that will have allowed you to accumulate a few. If not, go back to step #1, and get a life!

When a woman get all prepared and dressed up to go to a club, she is not doing it to impress anyone in particular, she is doing it to impress everyone! She is there to impress her friends, everyone else in the club, the bouncers, the bartender, everyone.

You walk into the club not particularly impressing anyone and then when you start talking to her if you switch into trying to impress her in particular you automatically project lower value subconsciously.

If Bruce Lee was to fight someone for real, and he did it many times, we wouldn’t show all the hundreds of moves and techniques he knew. He would just use the exact necessary move to finish the fight as fast as possible.

In the movies he did very elaborate moves and looked really good at it all, but in his real fights he was totally focused and economical in his moves. Most of his fights lasted just a few seconds.

When communicating, persuading or seducing you should also use just what is necessary and achieve the goal with as few moves as possible.

If you meet someone casually, at a bar or club most likely, you should ask certain questions very early in the conversation to figure out if you should eject yourself from the conversation or move ahead. Some specific questions will help you do just that:

Who are you here with?

You ask that in a way that looks like you want to meet her friends. What you actually want to know is what is her relationship with them. If she is there with her sister, that will be a tough job. If she is the designated driver, don’t expect to be able to remove her from the group. Women will generally not loosen up if they have any relatives or co-workers around. In general sisters don’t like to act naughty around sisters, with few exceptions. If she tells you she is there with her friend and waiting for her boyfriend to pick them up for a dinner, you will be happy you have that information before you spend one hour on that project.

You also want to estimate when is it that her friends will want to take her away. If she is there with her friends waiting until a show across the street starts at 10pm, you will probably want to pace yourself to finish your conversation and leave them gracefully at not later than 9:40 or so. Whatever is your calculation, try not to be interrupted while you are building a connection with someone. You interrupt, finish, or delay it at your own pace.

Where do you live?

If you are having a good time with a girl and she has in mind that after the party she will have to drive 50 miles back home and then be ready for work early in the morning, that will be bad news for you. On the other hand, if she lives 100 miles away and is not working the next day, she may be expecting not to go home later in the evening as long as she can find a nice couch to crash on… your bed perhaps?

How did you get here?

If you drove to the party and she rode her bicicle to it, you better have spece on the trunk of the car, or convince her to leave the bike behind. Whatever the solution, it will be more difficult than if she took public transportation that evening. Again, you also want to know if she is the designated driver for someone else.

What is happening tomorrow?

If she responds with generalities on what she likes to do on Sundays that is good. If she tells in detail how she has to wake up at 6 in the morning to run a half marathon… keep that in mind.

Keep your eyes open

Some things you don’t even need to ask. If she is sitting straight wearing her Gucci sunglasses, and the bar is indoors, and her purse is Channel, and her shoes are Aldo, and her watch is this brand and the blouse is that other brand… you know she will be very high maintenance. Knowing to play the game well may get you into her expensive pants, but you will not want to have that big spender around the next day.

Get used to observing the timing of everything.

If you want to bounce to another bar, pace yourself so you finish your drinks at the same time. Order your last drinks about 15 minutes before last call, so you won’t have to wait while the overwhelmed bartender does your drinks, after 20 others.

Ask the waiter to order your car from valet just before you ask for the check. That will be just enough time to have your car as soon as you walk out of the door.

Don’t arrive too early, and definitely don’t stay close to the end of any party. If I get the impression that a party will end up within the next hour I start making my moves to leave. You don’t want to be there when the bright lights turn on and the romantic mood gets interrupted. Bounce out before the party is over.

Know what time the liquor stores close in the city you are in.

Always be aware of the time, even while it looks like you don’t care at all. You don’t want to be caught glancing at your watch or cell phone. It makes people uncomfortable.

Don’t let your conversations turn into job interviews. Don’t ask questions about family, her neighborhood, her school, family, career, or the weather. Those subjects are boring and will show that you are not creative and interesting.

Every time that she asks you something about family, your neighborhood, your school, family, career, or the weather, use it as a point to build rapport. Do it not by answering the question, but by leading the response into what you really want to talk about, something that will create emotional connection.

- Do you work around here? – She asks

- Yes, have been working here for a year, and I really like the area. It is beautiful and peaceful. I love riding my motorcycle after work through some country roads west of town. Have you been there? Yes, it is gorgeous country side and the feeling of freedom and peace on those roads is magic…

It doesn’t matter what people ask, you can drive the conversation in any direction you want. And they will be happy you did! Oh, my… finally a guy that knows better than answering about his computer job at Acme… She is not actually thinking it, but she is feeling it.

Most of the time when I meet with a woman I already know what she does for a living. So I got used to not asking that at all. But even if you don’t know… why do you care? If you just talk to her for that evening hoping for a one night stand, it won’t make a difference to you if she is assistant prosecutor or clerk at Target. If you start a relationship, then you will certainly figure out what she does by the next day or so. Don’t need to sacrifice your attraction on the first night by asking job interview questions.

However, she will probably ask about your career. So know very well what to do:

Don’t answer. At the most glance over the response but drive the conversation right into what you want to talk about. In most cases I give answers as vague as “I am a businessman.” and let the mystery sink in. Sometimes I just say “I am self-unemployed”, if the circumstance is more humorous. But that is it. Explaining how you make ends meet is a bad move, and asking about her ways is even worse.

Another reason to not ask any Job Interview question is that the person will feel like you are qualifying her. That is really bad and breaks rapport. It sounds like you are sizing her up to see if she is wife material or not. During attraction, which is the first part of every conversation, don’t let anyone qualify you, and qualify everyone but don’t let them notice it.

This is the lamest, dumbest, most overused opener in the world.

Beautiful women hear this several times per evening, and if she says “yes” that doesn’t mean anything. It doesn’t mean she likes you, it doesn’t mean she will talk to you any longer than the drink lasts. All it means is that she feels comfortable drinking your money. She may even feel entitled to it. Most freeloaders do.

Nothing sucks more than this, so say anything else. Ask her if she would buy you a drink. Ask her if you can buy her a Congressman. Feel free to buy the second round, of course.

Buying drinks, or paying for dinner, is something I do for people I am already friends with. I have no problem paying for drinks and dinner for a good friend that I already have rapport with, man or woman. However, if the drinks (or dinner, or whatever) are the ticket to keep her in your presence, you are playing a losing hand.

If a woman approaches you with an empty glass, don’t fall for that! Actually get used to look at her in the eyes. Don’t glance at her glass, and don’t glance at her boobs either!

However, I may say jokingly “Can I buy you a drink”, when we are already talking, if she knows that the drinks are for free, or if it is a B.Y.O.B. party.

Challenges

Go to a strip club, where it is customary for the client to buy extremely overpriced drinks for the girls. It is actually a rule of the house in most places. Then see how far you can go talking to her without buying any drinks. Make it a special exercise, or challenge, just for fun.

Just as an exercise go to a very busy bar and use all your talents to make people pay your drinks. This is actually easy to do when you are visiting other countries, I found out. Interesting foreigners usually get plenty of free beer.  :-)

Special tip

If you are going to a bar with a girl that is gaming with you, give her your drinking money before you walk into the bar and tell her to pay for the drinks, in cash, one by one. The hotter she is, and the more people see that she is buying all the drinks, the better it gets…

I am a libertarian, and a libertine. The last thing you will see coming from me is a list of rules.

What I would like to do here is post a list of suggestions. These are suggestions that I believe are good because I have tried them and they worked very well for me… but I can’t guarantee they will work for you. Read about them, try them in your own life, and let me know how you liked it.

Clubs and bars

I don’t think going to a bar or club alone is a good idea.

I believe going to a bar or club with another guy is even worse.

If I do end up meeting with a guy friend at a bar and we don’t have any women with us by the time we go through the door, I will have him walk in before or after me, and we will “meet” inside the club, right after we started talking to some women.

The universe used to revolve around the Earth, then for some time the universe revolved around the Sun. Now it seems the universe revolves around the bar. I don’t agree with it. If the bar or nightclub is not your favorite environment to socialize I don’t think you should feel bad about it at all.

Turn your chair around so you will have your back to the bar and you will have a chance to position people around you.

Always look busy. Either you are talking to someone or you are doing something. You are never standing there with your drink in your hand, watching the action.

Conversations

I still can’t use standard openers, never tried very hard, and never will. I make up as I go and figure out some sort of opener that feels natural in the situation. A so-so opener that feels natural is better than a fabulous opener that you say and sound scripted.

I never got my head around the nagging thing. Still don’t like to use it at all and given the results I had so far I don’t think it is necessary.

If you are talking to a person and want to connect with her, position yourself to have your back towards the TV and people passing by. For me it is already difficult to concentrate, and I don’t want her to catch me glancing at the TV or sizing up another woman that walks by.

Turn your cell phone to vibrate and leave it inside your pocket, not on the table. If she interrupts the conversation to answer her phone, don’t say anything, but keep staring at the phone as if she took her dildo out of her purse. She will soon understand that you expect courteous behavior as well.

If she gets distracted with anything at all (friends, strangers, cell phone) for more than a few seconds, start a conversation with someone nearby. Anyone. Any conversation. And as soon as she brings her attention back to you, you do the same. Never sit there doing nothing, and looking at her, while she is talking to someone else.

Never offer your business card. Give it only to those that asked for it.

Body language

Don’t lean in.

If they can’t hear you, speak louder, but don’t lean in.

Walk like your favorite and most masculine movie star. Just emulate the way he walks at all times. Notice that he doesn’t lean in.

Good manners

Open the door. Not just for women. Open the door for friends, male or female. Open the door for strangers.

Give up your seat to the elderly or pregnant women. People tend to refuse so I usually look at the person in the eye as I stand up and say “Excuse me madam, please take this seat!”. I tone it to sound almost like an order, and smile when they accept it.

While walking on the sidewalk, take the outside.

Go up the stairs first, go down the stairs last.

Learn to behave at the table, how to use the silverware, napkin, etc.

If you are walking through a thick crowd, grab her hand and lead her through it.

Remember her name, when it matters

It is a basic rule of good manners to ask for and remember people’s names. From Dale Carnegie to telemarketers, everyone knows and repeats your name several times during the conversation. However…

When you are introduced to a large group, make things easy for yourself. First of all, if your name is not really easy to understand and pronounce, adopt a nickname. You are not diluting your identity, betraying your ancestors, or disrespecting your national roots. It is just a useful name to say across a table with 10 drunken people that don’t yet care who you are.

My name is relatively simple, but the spelling of it eludes most people and my stage name “Khaos” raises instant questions that will interrupt the introduction and are not questions I want to answer just yet. So when I am in a noisy environment or being introduced to 12 partygoers that I still don’t know if I will want to see the next day, I just say my name is “William”. Simple, everyone will understand, nobody will ask how do I spell it.

Later on when I start talking to a woman individually and she starts giving indicators of interest, she will probably ask me for my name. Then I tell her the real one. In the very unlikely event that she notices it is not the same name I say that “Milton is the real name, that I reserve just for my closest friends”.

Notice that I don’t apologize at all for not remembering. I just introduce myself as if we just met. Nobody will ever stop me and say “Hey, we were already introduced, don’t do it again!” You can even try that today. Start talking to some people at a bar, club, or party and introduce yourself to everyone. Then talk to someone specific and about a minute into the conversation introduce yourself to that person, with a slightly different name. Not only will that person  accept the introduction without flinching, but now you have had two chances to memorize her name.

I don’t blame you for not remembering the names of 10 people in the club, but if you are talking to someone and exchanged names twice, and you still can’t remember it, then shame on you.

Now that you know her name, use it

Use it occasionally. If you step away and you call her to reposition her in the group (more on that in another article), call her by name. If you know what her name means (and you do because you Googled it while she was away for a moment), tell her, and make it a conversation point. She will be surprised and, in some cases, amazed because she didn’t know about the meaning of her name herself!

I once said to a girl in Miami named Elena that she wasn’t congruent. She was puzzled and asked why. I explained that her name means “ray of light” and that when she didn’t smile she was projecting an image contrary to her name. So she should smile at all times. She took it very well and even when she got distracted with other people around, every time she saw me she opened up a wonderful smile, I believe because she remembered what I said.

Cards

So don’t bother trying to remember everyone’s names, especially when they will not remember yours. But definitely know, and use, the name of the person you are talking to.

I always carry with me some cards, in business card format, with my name and my contact information. I make those cards congruent with the environment. I have one card for my travels, a professional looking card, and one more with just my name and phone number, that I use in clubs.

But never, ever, ever offer your card. If the person didn’t ask for it your card is going to end up in the nearest trash can. It is a waste of time. Only give your card to someone that asked for it. If they didn’t ask, they didn’t care. Offering your card is a common and amateurish move, and if one day I get distracted and offer you my card before you asked for it, please slap my hand very hard. Thank you!

Sometimes, we expect or even fall in love with the characters that people play and forget that they’re also real people. Popular culture makes us view people by such high standards, always free of trouble and cool all the time. Invariably, we become attracted to that image even though no one is really like that.

For the same reasons, clients often fall in love with escorts. Fans fall in love with their famous idols. They see them when they’re perfect, well dressed, and focused on doing whatever is it they do very well. They dosn’t meet those same idols when they are in the supermarket, having a bad day, or with a bad case of PMS.

It’s much like falling in love with Batman, there is no link to reality. Especially because at the end of the day, Batman is just Bruce Wayne. No one ever sees Batman washing the Batmobile or going to Jiffy Lube for an oil change. In movies, they’re never doing maintenance, they’re only ever enjoying.

Similarly, people who study sexual behavior in the last three or four decades have noticed how porn has been changing the expectations people have about sex. In the past, we expected a more romantic sexual experience.  Now, because of the availability of porn, most of the population expects the other person to perform like a porn star. Because very few people can do it, expectations often come crashing down.

Relationships: easy to get into, hard to maintain. Why are they so hard to maintain? Because it’s hard to keep up the lie. ’Cause you can’t get nobody being you. You got to lie to get somebody. You can’t get nobody looking like you look, acting like you act… sounding like you sound. When you meet somebody for the first time, you’re not meeting them. You’re meeting their representative. – Chris Rock

We should recognize whether we’re meeting with the person or their representative. If you’re going to put forth any kind of image, you should keep in mind that the image is tarnishable. At some point the person will get to know you for who you really are. If you create a character it tends to lead to disappointment.

However, if you want someone to have a cool image of you, don’t do any maintenance in front of them. Make this policy part of who you are, not just something you do. Reserve time for yourself, time alone, and do all the maintenance during that time.