If you meet someone casually, at a bar or club most likely, you should ask certain questions very early in the conversation to figure out if you should eject yourself from the conversation or move ahead. Some specific questions will help you do just that:

Who are you here with?

You ask that in a way that looks like you want to meet her friends. What you actually want to know is what is her relationship with them. If she is there with her sister, that will be a tough job. If she is the designated driver, don’t expect to be able to remove her from the group. Women will generally not loosen up if they have any relatives or co-workers around. In general sisters don’t like to act naughty around sisters, with few exceptions. If she tells you she is there with her friend and waiting for her boyfriend to pick them up for a dinner, you will be happy you have that information before you spend one hour on that project.

You also want to estimate when is it that her friends will want to take her away. If she is there with her friends waiting until a show across the street starts at 10pm, you will probably want to pace yourself to finish your conversation and leave them gracefully at not later than 9:40 or so. Whatever is your calculation, try not to be interrupted while you are building a connection with someone. You interrupt, finish, or delay it at your own pace.

Where do you live?

If you are having a good time with a girl and she has in mind that after the party she will have to drive 50 miles back home and then be ready for work early in the morning, that will be bad news for you. On the other hand, if she lives 100 miles away and is not working the next day, she may be expecting not to go home later in the evening as long as she can find a nice couch to crash on… your bed perhaps?

How did you get here?

If you drove to the party and she rode her bicicle to it, you better have spece on the trunk of the car, or convince her to leave the bike behind. Whatever the solution, it will be more difficult than if she took public transportation that evening. Again, you also want to know if she is the designated driver for someone else.

What is happening tomorrow?

If she responds with generalities on what she likes to do on Sundays that is good. If she tells in detail how she has to wake up at 6 in the morning to run a half marathon… keep that in mind.

Keep your eyes open

Some things you don’t even need to ask. If she is sitting straight wearing her Gucci sunglasses, and the bar is indoors, and her purse is Channel, and her shoes are Aldo, and her watch is this brand and the blouse is that other brand… you know she will be very high maintenance. Knowing to play the game well may get you into her expensive pants, but you will not want to have that big spender around the next day.

Get used to observing the timing of everything.

If you want to bounce to another bar, pace yourself so you finish your drinks at the same time. Order your last drinks about 15 minutes before last call, so you won’t have to wait while the overwhelmed bartender does your drinks, after 20 others.

Ask the waiter to order your car from valet just before you ask for the check. That will be just enough time to have your car as soon as you walk out of the door.

Don’t arrive too early, and definitely don’t stay close to the end of any party. If I get the impression that a party will end up within the next hour I start making my moves to leave. You don’t want to be there when the bright lights turn on and the romantic mood gets interrupted. Bounce out before the party is over.

Know what time the liquor stores close in the city you are in.

Always be aware of the time, even while it looks like you don’t care at all. You don’t want to be caught glancing at your watch or cell phone. It makes people uncomfortable.

Don’t let your conversations turn into job interviews. Don’t ask questions about family, her neighborhood, her school, family, career, or the weather. Those subjects are boring and will show that you are not creative and interesting.

Every time that she asks you something about family, your neighborhood, your school, family, career, or the weather, use it as a point to build rapport. Do it not by answering the question, but by leading the response into what you really want to talk about, something that will create emotional connection.

- Do you work around here? – She asks

- Yes, have been working here for a year, and I really like the area. It is beautiful and peaceful. I love riding my motorcycle after work through some country roads west of town. Have you been there? Yes, it is gorgeous country side and the feeling of freedom and peace on those roads is magic…

It doesn’t matter what people ask, you can drive the conversation in any direction you want. And they will be happy you did! Oh, my… finally a guy that knows better than answering about his computer job at Acme… She is not actually thinking it, but she is feeling it.

Most of the time when I meet with a woman I already know what she does for a living. So I got used to not asking that at all. But even if you don’t know… why do you care? If you just talk to her for that evening hoping for a one night stand, it won’t make a difference to you if she is assistant prosecutor or clerk at Target. If you start a relationship, then you will certainly figure out what she does by the next day or so. Don’t need to sacrifice your attraction on the first night by asking job interview questions.

However, she will probably ask about your career. So know very well what to do:

Don’t answer. At the most glance over the response but drive the conversation right into what you want to talk about. In most cases I give answers as vague as “I am a businessman.” and let the mystery sink in. Sometimes I just say “I am self-unemployed”, if the circumstance is more humorous. But that is it. Explaining how you make ends meet is a bad move, and asking about her ways is even worse.

Another reason to not ask any Job Interview question is that the person will feel like you are qualifying her. That is really bad and breaks rapport. It sounds like you are sizing her up to see if she is wife material or not. During attraction, which is the first part of every conversation, don’t let anyone qualify you, and qualify everyone but don’t let them notice it.

This is the lamest, dumbest, most overused opener in the world.

Beautiful women hear this several times per evening, and if she says “yes” that doesn’t mean anything. It doesn’t mean she likes you, it doesn’t mean she will talk to you any longer than the drink lasts. All it means is that she feels comfortable drinking your money. She may even feel entitled to it. Most freeloaders do.

Nothing sucks more than this, so say anything else. Ask her if she would buy you a drink. Ask her if you can buy her a Congressman. Feel free to buy the second round, of course.

Buying drinks, or paying for dinner, is something I do for people I am already friends with. I have no problem paying for drinks and dinner for a good friend that I already have rapport with, man or woman. However, if the drinks (or dinner, or whatever) are the ticket to keep her in your presence, you are playing a losing hand.

If a woman approaches you with an empty glass, don’t fall for that! Actually get used to look at her in the eyes. Don’t glance at her glass, and don’t glance at her boobs either!

However, I may say jokingly “Can I buy you a drink”, when we are already talking, if she knows that the drinks are for free, or if it is a B.Y.O.B. party.

Challenges

Go to a strip club, where it is customary for the client to buy extremely overpriced drinks for the girls. It is actually a rule of the house in most places. Then see how far you can go talking to her without buying any drinks. Make it a special exercise, or challenge, just for fun.

Just as an exercise go to a very busy bar and use all your talents to make people pay your drinks. This is actually easy to do when you are visiting other countries, I found out. Interesting foreigners usually get plenty of free beer.  :-)

Special tip

If you are going to a bar with a girl that is gaming with you, give her your drinking money before you walk into the bar and tell her to pay for the drinks, in cash, one by one. The hotter she is, and the more people see that she is buying all the drinks, the better it gets…

It is easy, when you are young, to believe that what you desire is no less than what you deserve. To assume that if you want something bad enough you will end up having it.

When I remember some important relationships in my past that I somehow didn’t know how to manage, or outright blew off, I just hope my hardly acquired wisdom and experience will help me avoid making similar mistakes from now on. However, knowing how I often mistook passion for insight and acted according to faulty logic, I often question if that is likely.

Passion is a poor substitute for clarity of mind, and relationships are poor receptacles for dreams, as they have their way of unravelling at their own pleasure, just like the waters of a river follow the path that suits them most.

I am a libertarian, and a libertine. The last thing you will see coming from me is a list of rules.

What I would like to do here is post a list of suggestions. These are suggestions that I believe are good because I have tried them and they worked very well for me… but I can’t guarantee they will work for you. Read about them, try them in your own life, and let me know how you liked it.

Clubs and bars

I don’t think going to a bar or club alone is a good idea.

I believe going to a bar or club with another guy is even worse.

If I do end up meeting with a guy friend at a bar and we don’t have any women with us by the time we go through the door, I will have him walk in before or after me, and we will “meet” inside the club, right after we started talking to some women.

The universe used to revolve around the Earth, then for some time the universe revolved around the Sun. Now it seems the universe revolves around the bar. I don’t agree with it. If the bar or nightclub is not your favorite environment to socialize I don’t think you should feel bad about it at all.

Turn your chair around so you will have your back to the bar and you will have a chance to position people around you.

Always look busy. Either you are talking to someone or you are doing something. You are never standing there with your drink in your hand, watching the action.

Conversations

I still can’t use standard openers, never tried very hard, and never will. I make up as I go and figure out some sort of opener that feels natural in the situation. A so-so opener that feels natural is better than a fabulous opener that you say and sound scripted.

I never got my head around the nagging thing. Still don’t like to use it at all and given the results I had so far I don’t think it is necessary.

If you are talking to a person and want to connect with her, position yourself to have your back towards the TV and people passing by. For me it is already difficult to concentrate, and I don’t want her to catch me glancing at the TV or sizing up another woman that walks by.

Turn your cell phone to vibrate and leave it inside your pocket, not on the table. If she interrupts the conversation to answer her phone, don’t say anything, but keep staring at the phone as if she took her dildo out of her purse. She will soon understand that you expect courteous behavior as well.

If she gets distracted with anything at all (friends, strangers, cell phone) for more than a few seconds, start a conversation with someone nearby. Anyone. Any conversation. And as soon as she brings her attention back to you, you do the same. Never sit there doing nothing, and looking at her, while she is talking to someone else.

Never offer your business card. Give it only to those that asked for it.

Body language

Don’t lean in.

If they can’t hear you, speak louder, but don’t lean in.

Walk like your favorite and most masculine movie star. Just emulate the way he walks at all times. Notice that he doesn’t lean in.

Good manners

Open the door. Not just for women. Open the door for friends, male or female. Open the door for strangers.

Give up your seat to the elderly or pregnant women. People tend to refuse so I usually look at the person in the eye as I stand up and say “Excuse me madam, please take this seat!”. I tone it to sound almost like an order, and smile when they accept it.

While walking on the sidewalk, take the outside.

Go up the stairs first, go down the stairs last.

Learn to behave at the table, how to use the silverware, napkin, etc.

If you are walking through a thick crowd, grab her hand and lead her through it.

Remember her name, when it matters

It is a basic rule of good manners to ask for and remember people’s names. From Dale Carnegie to telemarketers, everyone knows and repeats your name several times during the conversation. However…

When you are introduced to a large group, make things easy for yourself. First of all, if your name is not really easy to understand and pronounce, adopt a nickname. You are not diluting your identity, betraying your ancestors, or disrespecting your national roots. It is just a useful name to say across a table with 10 drunken people that don’t yet care who you are.

My name is relatively simple, but the spelling of it eludes most people and my stage name “Khaos” raises instant questions that will interrupt the introduction and are not questions I want to answer just yet. So when I am in a noisy environment or being introduced to 12 partygoers that I still don’t know if I will want to see the next day, I just say my name is “William”. Simple, everyone will understand, nobody will ask how do I spell it.

Later on when I start talking to a woman individually and she starts giving indicators of interest, she will probably ask me for my name. Then I tell her the real one. In the very unlikely event that she notices it is not the same name I say that “Milton is the real name, that I reserve just for my closest friends”.

Notice that I don’t apologize at all for not remembering. I just introduce myself as if we just met. Nobody will ever stop me and say “Hey, we were already introduced, don’t do it again!” You can even try that today. Start talking to some people at a bar, club, or party and introduce yourself to everyone. Then talk to someone specific and about a minute into the conversation introduce yourself to that person, with a slightly different name. Not only will that person  accept the introduction without flinching, but now you have had two chances to memorize her name.

I don’t blame you for not remembering the names of 10 people in the club, but if you are talking to someone and exchanged names twice, and you still can’t remember it, then shame on you.

Now that you know her name, use it

Use it occasionally. If you step away and you call her to reposition her in the group (more on that in another article), call her by name. If you know what her name means (and you do because you Googled it while she was away for a moment), tell her, and make it a conversation point. She will be surprised and, in some cases, amazed because she didn’t know about the meaning of her name herself!

I once said to a girl in Miami named Elena that she wasn’t congruent. She was puzzled and asked why. I explained that her name means “ray of light” and that when she didn’t smile she was projecting an image contrary to her name. So she should smile at all times. She took it very well and even when she got distracted with other people around, every time she saw me she opened up a wonderful smile, I believe because she remembered what I said.

Cards

So don’t bother trying to remember everyone’s names, especially when they will not remember yours. But definitely know, and use, the name of the person you are talking to.

I always carry with me some cards, in business card format, with my name and my contact information. I make those cards congruent with the environment. I have one card for my travels, a professional looking card, and one more with just my name and phone number, that I use in clubs.

But never, ever, ever offer your card. If the person didn’t ask for it your card is going to end up in the nearest trash can. It is a waste of time. Only give your card to someone that asked for it. If they didn’t ask, they didn’t care. Offering your card is a common and amateurish move, and if one day I get distracted and offer you my card before you asked for it, please slap my hand very hard. Thank you!

I believe that coming into a relationship with just a romantic component is what most people do, and that is one reason those relationships tend to not last, and end bitterly. A strong relationship must be based on other components as well. I found out that a very strong component is mutual teaching. A mentor/apprentice relationship can be another very strong link between two persons and, contrary to what people usually think, both apprentice and mentor learn all the time when both challenge each other constantly.

In my relationships I expect only the best, and I demand it from them. My women also expect a lot so they challenge me constantly. They keep me on my toes and push me to improve myself, to learn at every moment, and they never let me become complacent.

Did you ever have a fabulous experience with someone and wondered if something that special will ever happen again?

In Greek mythology, Aphrodite is the goddess of love, beauty and sexual rapture.

In everyone’s lives there are certain moments or people that you can remember fondly years later. These memories remain crisp in you mind no matter how much time has passed, whether because of a good connection or sex or usually both. While these memorable times are often few and far between they are always clearly distinguishable from any other experience you had.

In these memories both people involved were amazing. The sex was fabulous yet maybe you had sex with the same person other times and it wasn’t that special at all. Perhaps it wasn’t that special with anyone else? So what is it that determines the outcome?

Sometimes when you are going through a dry spell in your relationships don’t you feel afraid that such amazing, magical, incredible spark may not happen again? Ever?

I found an interesting parallel between the concept of genius in ancient societies and our own experiences. It was considered at that time that a “genius” was a separate entity from the the artist, the person who actually produces the work. The artist gets inspiration for his work, the insight to create a masterpiece. These ancient artists were aware of the fact that this divine inspiration would not always be there, and that not every work would be a masterpiece. When one considers the genius to be an outside force, there are less psychological pressures and they wouldn’t feel that bad if the next work wasn’t as just as the previous.

In modern times we have come to think of a person himself being a genius. If one is a genius they should be able to consistently produce tremendous works. The problem with this logic is that it turns one’s craft into a burden. Suddenly, a painter isn’t simply painting, but there are expectations and demands on his work.

The same concept can be applied to relationships. The outcome of any event (date, lovemaking, courtship) depends on multiple factors, including the environment, the other person, and yourself. If any one person takes all the responsibility for the results, it will be very difficult to meet that goal.

This is especially true for a man in his late thirties or early forties. At this point in his life, his physical performance may be waning, and moments of physical brilliance may be fewer and farther between. It’s a common occurrence that the relationship with the same person over the years is not causing the same sparks anymore, or the body is not cooperating (hence Viagra, Cialis, etc), or the stress and signs of age are taking their toll.

Aphrodite protects us from narcissism. If you were fantastic lovers… you can’t take all the credit for it. But when things don’t work it is not entirely your fault either. Believing that you are the vessel, the source of all the brilliance, all sensuality, connection, and consequent success in the relationship is a bit too much responsibility for one (or even two) mere human beings.

Here is where Aphrodite comes to our rescue in a way similar to the genius in the previous example. She is like an invisible force that puts all the pieces together. She helps you both figure out, unconsciously, what it is that you like about the other person and how to make it work. When Aphrodite is on your side the experience becomes fabulous. It helps psychologically if we can accept that Aphrodite is not always there. Maybe she (Aphrodite) was there before and the experience was amazing, but she is somewhere else today and… well… it will just not be as good today.

While understanding the other person and understanding yourself does help to round out the relationship, it doesn’t necessarily produce those memorable moments. Though some may argue this point, recruiting the help of Aphrodite is not something learnable. Many claim that you can learn all the steps and factors and components that produce a fabulous relationship. Some claim that even having a great sexual experience can also be learned. That nonsense distort egos, creates anxiety and unreasonable expectations about looks and performance.

Love is capricious and there is always some uncertainty to every moment of it. But if you meet that lover again and this time it wasn’t that great, don’t beat yourself up too much. Perhaps Aphrodite wasn’t having a great day herself either. It’s her fault, not yours, and definitely not your lover’s fault.