Khaos Theory

It is easy, when you are young, to believe that what you desire is no less than what you deserve. To assume that if you want something bad enough you will end up having it.

When I remember some important relationships in my past that I somehow didn’t know how to manage, or outright blew off, I just hope my hardly acquired wisdom and experience will help me avoid making similar mistakes from now on. However, knowing how I often mistook passion for insight and acted according to faulty logic, I often question if that is likely.

Passion is a poor substitute for clarity of mind, and relationships are poor receptacles for dreams, as they have their way of unravelling at their own pleasure, just like the waters of a river follow the path that suits them most.

I am a libertarian, and a libertine. The last thing you will see coming from me is a list of rules.

What I would like to do here is post a list of suggestions. These are suggestions that I believe are good because I have tried them and they worked very well for me… but I can’t guarantee they will work for you. Read about them, try them in your own life, and let me know how you liked it.

Clubs and bars

I don’t think going to a bar or club alone is a good idea.

I believe going to a bar or club with another guy is even worse.

If I do end up meeting with a guy friend at a bar and we don’t have any women with us by the time we go through the door, I will have him walk in before or after me, and we will “meet” inside the club, right after we started talking to some women.

The universe used to revolve around the Earth, then for some time the universe revolved around the Sun. Now it seems the universe revolves around the bar. I don’t agree with it. If the bar or nightclub is not your favorite environment to socialize I don’t think you should feel bad about it at all.

Turn your chair around so you will have your back to the bar and you will have a chance to position people around you.

Always look busy. Either you are talking to someone or you are doing something. You are never standing there with your drink in your hand, watching the action.

Conversations

I still can’t use standard openers, never tried very hard, and never will. I make up as I go and figure out some sort of opener that feels natural in the situation. A so-so opener that feels natural is better than a fabulous opener that you say and sound scripted.

I never got my head around the nagging thing. Still don’t like to use it at all and given the results I had so far I don’t think it is necessary.

If you are talking to a person and want to connect with her, position yourself to have your back towards the TV and people passing by. For me it is already difficult to concentrate, and I don’t want her to catch me glancing at the TV or sizing up another woman that walks by.

Turn your cell phone to vibrate and leave it inside your pocket, not on the table. If she interrupts the conversation to answer her phone, don’t say anything, but keep staring at the phone as if she took her dildo out of her purse. She will soon understand that you expect courteous behavior as well.

If she gets distracted with anything at all (friends, strangers, cell phone) for more than a few seconds, start a conversation with someone nearby. Anyone. Any conversation. And as soon as she brings her attention back to you, you do the same. Never sit there doing nothing, and looking at her, while she is talking to someone else.

Never offer your business card. Give it only to those that asked for it.

Body language

Don’t lean in.

If they can’t hear you, speak louder, but don’t lean in.

Walk like your favorite and most masculine movie star. Just emulate the way he walks at all times. Notice that he doesn’t lean in.

Good manners

Open the door. Not just for women. Open the door for friends, male or female. Open the door for strangers.

Give up your seat to the elderly or pregnant women. People tend to refuse so I usually look at the person in the eye as I stand up and say “Excuse me madam, please take this seat!”. I tone it to sound almost like an order, and smile when they accept it.

While walking on the sidewalk, take the outside.

Go up the stairs first, go down the stairs last.

Learn to behave at the table, how to use the silverware, napkin, etc.

If you are walking through a thick crowd, grab her hand and lead her through it.

Remember her name, when it matters

It is a basic rule of good manners to ask for and remember people’s names. From Dale Carnegie to telemarketers, everyone knows and repeats your name several times during the conversation. However…

When you are introduced to a large group, make things easy for yourself. First of all, if your name is not really easy to understand and pronounce, adopt a nickname. You are not diluting your identity, betraying your ancestors, or disrespecting your national roots. It is just a useful name to say across a table with 10 drunken people that don’t yet care who you are.

My name is relatively simple, but the spelling of it eludes most people and my stage name “Khaos” raises instant questions that will interrupt the introduction and are not questions I want to answer just yet. So when I am in a noisy environment or being introduced to 12 partygoers that I still don’t know if I will want to see the next day, I just say my name is “William”. Simple, everyone will understand, nobody will ask how do I spell it.

Later on when I start talking to a woman individually and she starts giving indicators of interest, she will probably ask me for my name. Then I tell her the real one. In the very unlikely event that she notices it is not the same name I say that “Milton is the real name, that I reserve just for my closest friends”.

Notice that I don’t apologize at all for not remembering. I just introduce myself as if we just met. Nobody will ever stop me and say “Hey, we were already introduced, don’t do it again!” You can even try that today. Start talking to some people at a bar, club, or party and introduce yourself to everyone. Then talk to someone specific and about a minute into the conversation introduce yourself to that person, with a slightly different name. Not only will that person  accept the introduction without flinching, but now you have had two chances to memorize her name.

I don’t blame you for not remembering the names of 10 people in the club, but if you are talking to someone and exchanged names twice, and you still can’t remember it, then shame on you.

Now that you know her name, use it

Use it occasionally. If you step away and you call her to reposition her in the group (more on that in another article), call her by name. If you know what her name means (and you do because you Googled it while she was away for a moment), tell her, and make it a conversation point. She will be surprised and, in some cases, amazed because she didn’t know about the meaning of her name herself!

I once said to a girl in Miami named Elena that she wasn’t congruent. She was puzzled and asked why. I explained that her name means “ray of light” and that when she didn’t smile she was projecting an image contrary to her name. So she should smile at all times. She took it very well and even when she got distracted with other people around, every time she saw me she opened up a wonderful smile, I believe because she remembered what I said.

Cards

So don’t bother trying to remember everyone’s names, especially when they will not remember yours. But definitely know, and use, the name of the person you are talking to.

I always carry with me some cards, in business card format, with my name and my contact information. I make those cards congruent with the environment. I have one card for my travels, a professional looking card, and one more with just my name and phone number, that I use in clubs.

But never, ever, ever offer your card. If the person didn’t ask for it your card is going to end up in the nearest trash can. It is a waste of time. Only give your card to someone that asked for it. If they didn’t ask, they didn’t care. Offering your card is a common and amateurish move, and if one day I get distracted and offer you my card before you asked for it, please slap my hand very hard. Thank you!

I believe that coming into a relationship with just a romantic component is what most people do, and that is one reason those relationships tend to not last, and end bitterly. A strong relationship must be based on other components as well. I found out that a very strong component is mutual teaching. A mentor/apprentice relationship can be another very strong link between two persons and, contrary to what people usually think, both apprentice and mentor learn all the time when both challenge each other constantly.

In my relationships I expect only the best, and I demand it from them. My women also expect a lot so they challenge me constantly. They keep me on my toes and push me to improve myself, to learn at every moment, and they never let me become complacent.

Did you ever have a fabulous experience with someone and wondered if something that special will ever happen again?

In Greek mythology, Aphrodite is the goddess of love, beauty and sexual rapture.

In everyone’s lives there are certain moments or people that you can remember fondly years later. These memories remain crisp in you mind no matter how much time has passed, whether because of a good connection or sex or usually both. While these memorable times are often few and far between they are always clearly distinguishable from any other experience you had.

In these memories both people involved were amazing. The sex was fabulous yet maybe you had sex with the same person other times and it wasn’t that special at all. Perhaps it wasn’t that special with anyone else? So what is it that determines the outcome?

Sometimes when you are going through a dry spell in your relationships don’t you feel afraid that such amazing, magical, incredible spark may not happen again? Ever?

I found an interesting parallel between the concept of genius in ancient societies and our own experiences. It was considered at that time that a “genius” was a separate entity from the the artist, the person who actually produces the work. The artist gets inspiration for his work, the insight to create a masterpiece. These ancient artists were aware of the fact that this divine inspiration would not always be there, and that not every work would be a masterpiece. When one considers the genius to be an outside force, there are less psychological pressures and they wouldn’t feel that bad if the next work wasn’t as just as the previous.

In modern times we have come to think of a person himself being a genius. If one is a genius they should be able to consistently produce tremendous works. The problem with this logic is that it turns one’s craft into a burden. Suddenly, a painter isn’t simply painting, but there are expectations and demands on his work.

The same concept can be applied to relationships. The outcome of any event (date, lovemaking, courtship) depends on multiple factors, including the environment, the other person, and yourself. If any one person takes all the responsibility for the results, it will be very difficult to meet that goal.

This is especially true for a man in his late thirties or early forties. At this point in his life, his physical performance may be waning, and moments of physical brilliance may be fewer and farther between. It’s a common occurrence that the relationship with the same person over the years is not causing the same sparks anymore, or the body is not cooperating (hence Viagra, Cialis, etc), or the stress and signs of age are taking their toll.

Aphrodite protects us from narcissism. If you were fantastic lovers… you can’t take all the credit for it. But when things don’t work it is not entirely your fault either. Believing that you are the vessel, the source of all the brilliance, all sensuality, connection, and consequent success in the relationship is a bit too much responsibility for one (or even two) mere human beings.

Here is where Aphrodite comes to our rescue in a way similar to the genius in the previous example. She is like an invisible force that puts all the pieces together. She helps you both figure out, unconsciously, what it is that you like about the other person and how to make it work. When Aphrodite is on your side the experience becomes fabulous. It helps psychologically if we can accept that Aphrodite is not always there. Maybe she (Aphrodite) was there before and the experience was amazing, but she is somewhere else today and… well… it will just not be as good today.

While understanding the other person and understanding yourself does help to round out the relationship, it doesn’t necessarily produce those memorable moments. Though some may argue this point, recruiting the help of Aphrodite is not something learnable. Many claim that you can learn all the steps and factors and components that produce a fabulous relationship. Some claim that even having a great sexual experience can also be learned. That nonsense distort egos, creates anxiety and unreasonable expectations about looks and performance.

Love is capricious and there is always some uncertainty to every moment of it. But if you meet that lover again and this time it wasn’t that great, don’t beat yourself up too much. Perhaps Aphrodite wasn’t having a great day herself either. It’s her fault, not yours, and definitely not your lover’s fault.

Sometimes, we expect or even fall in love with the characters that people play and forget that they’re also real people. Popular culture makes us view people by such high standards, always free of trouble and cool all the time. Invariably, we become attracted to that image even though no one is really like that.

For the same reasons, clients often fall in love with escorts. Fans fall in love with their famous idols. They see them when they’re perfect, well dressed, and focused on doing whatever is it they do very well. They dosn’t meet those same idols when they are in the supermarket, having a bad day, or with a bad case of PMS.

It’s much like falling in love with Batman, there is no link to reality. Especially because at the end of the day, Batman is just Bruce Wayne. No one ever sees Batman washing the Batmobile or going to Jiffy Lube for an oil change. In movies, they’re never doing maintenance, they’re only ever enjoying.

Similarly, people who study sexual behavior in the last three or four decades have noticed how porn has been changing the expectations people have about sex. In the past, we expected a more romantic sexual experience.  Now, because of the availability of porn, most of the population expects the other person to perform like a porn star. Because very few people can do it, expectations often come crashing down.

Relationships: easy to get into, hard to maintain. Why are they so hard to maintain? Because it’s hard to keep up the lie. ’Cause you can’t get nobody being you. You got to lie to get somebody. You can’t get nobody looking like you look, acting like you act… sounding like you sound. When you meet somebody for the first time, you’re not meeting them. You’re meeting their representative. – Chris Rock

We should recognize whether we’re meeting with the person or their representative. If you’re going to put forth any kind of image, you should keep in mind that the image is tarnishable. At some point the person will get to know you for who you really are. If you create a character it tends to lead to disappointment.

However, if you want someone to have a cool image of you, don’t do any maintenance in front of them. Make this policy part of who you are, not just something you do. Reserve time for yourself, time alone, and do all the maintenance during that time.

Typically when a man is going to a bar or a club looking for a woman, his ultimate goal is sex. He’s looking for a one night stand, which also means he’s in a hurry. As with anything done in a hurry, this rarely works out well for him.

Consequently, much of the gaming technology is targeted at this man. While gaming schools of thought don’t always directly promote a one night stand, they are all about attracting women, creating trust and seducing. Many men take this information and apply it in the quest for a one night stand.

Even after applying this technology, the rate of success for this method is very low.  Making sex your main goal in relationships is similar to making money your main goal in business. You will almost never get it. The main goal in business should be excellence, and money comes as a consequence of that excellence. Similarly, if the main goal in relationships is excellence, sex will be one of the natural results.

I developed my online game much more, much earlier, than my social skills. I even became an expert in the techniques used to meet someone in person after you initially met online. This is considered a warm approach (As opposed to a cold approach in a club: talking to someone you have never met before, usually intoxicated and in a loud environment. Clearly a much more difficult method.) When meeting someone you’ve met online, you’ve spent some amount of time getting to know them, so you enter into the interaction with some level of trust and a more elaborate context.

Of all of my relationships online in the last few years, most developed over time. It never took more than six months, and was usually within the two weeks to two months range. I’ve observed that in some cases, when meeting someone you met online, you might have sex the same day, but it’s very rare. Sometimes it might be the second or third meeting, and other times it could be weeks or months later.

Another important factor about meeting people online is simply that you can have a lot of relationships online at the same time. There’s generally a minor time requirement when emailing back and forth occasionally. It’s similar to owning a farm and growing several different crops, you can harvest them at different times throughout the year, but there’s always something growing.

I propose that instead of seeking one night stands, it’s better to develop ideal timing. Instead of running an agenda based on your own interests, figure out how much time will she take to develop the proper amount of trust and comfort, learn to read her emotional states correctly and define the timing based on her, not on you. This method has a much greater rate of success  than setting your agenda on yourself and your need for instant gratification.

“Hi, my name is Cindy, and I’m 24 years old, and my favorite color is pink.”

Well, cindy4fun24… from your basic profile information, we’ve already been able to gather that information. Do you have anything useful to share?

Many people on social networking or dating websites fall into the habit of listing arbitrary information that is supposed to give an idea of who they are. Even if someone did falsely assume that they could get to know you by reading a few short paragraphs of supposed “autobiography,” what good will it do to repeat basic information that is already listed? What good does knowing your favorite color do for me?

Listing information like this is not only a waste of time for the author, but also for the person perusing the profile. Much of this information could be obtained simply by having a conversation with someone. Your favorite color or the TV shows you watch tell very little about who you are, anyway.

Instead of playing it safe by filling the space of an “About Me” section with useless information, people should learn to say things that actually will help them meet people they will be compatible with.

If you’re looking for someone who is a non-smoker… say so. If you need to find someone who is into kinky sex…put that in your profile.

Listing things like this that explain what you’re looking for, or why you’ve created the profile at all, will yield much better results. You will attract people who are truly potential matches, and avoid dealing with people who wouldn’t really interest you.

A question was asked in a BDSM forum that struck me as somewhat odd. A submissive woman asked if it was possible for a dominant to be both nurturing and sadistic…

Surprisingly, (to me, at least) the overwhelming response was that NO a dominant cannot be both nurturing and sadistic. I’d say about 85% of the responses were from submissive women, and they said it wasn’t possible to be in a love-based BDSM relationship of any sort with a sadistic dominant. The few dominant males who responded were the type that agree with the majority out of the belief it will get them more friends.

My response is actually the exact opposite. I believe it is absolutely possible for a dominant to be nurturing and caring as well as sadistic.

Why must these terms be mutually exclusive? Why can’t someone who identifies as “submissive” also be “masochistic”? If the submissive is masochistic, then even if her sadistic dominant loves her, pain, in some form, will be part of their relationship. If it pleases the dominant to inflict pain on his submissive, and the submissive also enjoys receiving that pain, everyone benefits. Even if she doesn’t enjoy the pain, she should, ideally, enjoy serving and pleasing her dominant, in which case, everyone still benefits. He can still be nurturing and caring, he can still love her, why not? Are sadists no longer humans?

After this response, many of the submissives backtracked and claimed that they loved receiving physical pain from their dominants, and the post was obviously talking about emotional sadism, which is totally different

Sadism is sadism. And for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Masochists enjoy the pain inflcted on them by sadists. One might venture to say the sadist is nurturing the masochist’s needs….

Can a relationship between a non-masochistic submissive and a sadistic dominant work? Maybe not. But that doesn’t change the fact that a dominant CAN be nurturing and sadistic, whether the submissives in the forum wish to admit it or not.