Posts Tagged ‘Domination’

Fear as a limitation

Thursday, September 9th, 2010

Fear can prevent someone from moving forward or from trying certain sexual acts. Those fears usually come from unfamiliarity or inexperience, or from bad experiences from the past, or from bad associations that came from watching, reading, or being told that some act is dangerous, painful, unhealthy, or humiliating. Those fears commonly cause some people to tense up or shy away.

Most fear is created by anticipation and by projecting thought forward. In a moment of true pain or danger there would be no anticipation, just  action or reaction. Fear can also be indirect. A sub may not fear the act itself, but fear the capacity of the Dom to do it correctly and safely. Fear also comes afterwards when you think about what could have happened.

The same kind of fear reaction can occur when about to engage in something new. The deep instincts we have of fight or flight cause us to tense our muscles.

An experienced Dom must know when to use fear and when to avoid it. He can use fear, even provoke it, with the intention of tensing the sub and heightening her senses, stimulating and intensifying the experience. He may also use trust, care, comfort and orientation to calm down, prepare and relax the sub prior to a challenging act or situation.

Those are moments when I don’t advocate the use of alcohol or drugs at all. If you can’t calm down someone to do something while sober you shouldn’t try it with her drunk either. A [pseudo]Dom that needs to intoxicate a sub to have his way is a faker and potentially a criminal. I am not against the use of alcohol or even drugs as recreational items and to have fun at other moments, but during sex in general and BDSM in particular.

A nurturing sadist?

Saturday, April 18th, 2009

spank

A question was asked in a BDSM forum that struck me as somewhat odd. A submissive woman asked if it was possible for a dominant to be both nurturing and sadistic…

Surprisingly, (to me, at least) the overwhelming response was that NO a dominant cannot be both nurturing and sadistic. I’d say about 85% of the responses were from submissive women, and they said it wasn’t possible to be in a love-based BDSM relationship of any sort with a sadistic dominant. The few dominant males who responded were the type that agree with the majority out of the belief it will get them more friends.

My response is actually the exact opposite. I believe it is absolutely possible for a dominant to be nurturing and caring as well as sadistic.

Why must these terms be mutually exclusive? Why can’t someone who identifies as “submissive” also be “masochistic”? If the submissive is masochistic, then even if her sadistic dominant loves her, pain, in some form, will be part of their relationship. If it pleases the dominant to inflict pain on his submissive, and the submissive also enjoys receiving that pain, everyone benefits. Even if she doesn’t enjoy the pain, she should, ideally, enjoy serving and pleasing her dominant, in which case, everyone still benefits. He can still be nurturing and caring, he can still love her, why not? Are sadists no longer humans?

After this response, many of the submissives backtracked and claimed that they loved receiving physical pain from their dominants, and the post was obviously talking about emotional sadism, which is totally different

Sadism is sadism. And for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Masochists enjoy the pain inflcted on them by sadists. One might venture to say the sadist is nurturing the masochist’s needs….

Can a relationship between a non-masochistic submissive and a sadistic dominant work? Maybe not. But that doesn’t change the fact that a dominant CAN be nurturing and sadistic, whether the submissives in the forum wish to admit it or not.

Training a Dom

Monday, April 13th, 2009

2128516891_d186049f54_20080909093049_510jpgInteresting question posted on FetLife.com:

A lot of people talk about training a sub or a slave..

But can you train a Dom?

For instance.. Scenario One; A pretty little sub girl meets a vanilla whom she falls in love with, Describes her lifestyle to the vanilla who professes to find it connects with him and wants to dominate her, Therefore can she then proceed to “train her dom”

Scenario two; Sub meets a Dom, Finds he is not fulfilling her needs, Of course there is constant communication in a relationship ( I expect) Then Can the sub train her Dom to suit her needs, Like a Dom would train his Sub?

Some say this is a violation, and if A sub does this she is trying to “top from the bottom” Which I find ridiculous personally.

Why do I never see many attempting to train their Doms?, Somehow I doubt they perfectly meet every need from the bat.

My answer:

It is possible, but I will not say it is easy.

If he is already an ALHPA MALE and mature and emotionally balanced then the task will be quite easy because he will know how to project his strong personality and values while at the same time paying attention to what works for his sub and for him. A real alpha man that is mature well developed is open to learn and will find that it is easy to fit the role of Dom comfortably. It will be quite a pleasurable journey for both.

However, if he is not an alpha male already, or not mature and well developed, or not emotionally balanced, this can be as hard as trying to teach a horse to deal cards.

Developing a “regular pussyfied american male” and turning him into an alpha male is work for serious and dedicated training programs and schools, and it usually costs thousands of dollars. Just like rehab, analysis, or deep behavior modification, it can rarely be accomplished by amateurs.

Being a good sub doesn’t mean you can be a good teacher.

Not really a kinkster

Thursday, April 2nd, 2009

15306handcuffedjpgEverything I’ve experienced has led me to believe that when it comes to BDSM, there are two main categories of people: there are kinksters, people who enjoy the lifestyle and find pleasure in certain aspects of it; and then there are a smaller category of people who seek it out because they recognize in themselves an innate need to dominate or submit. It doesn’t need a name or a definition. It is just there, lurking in the subconscious, waiting to be unleashed on the conscious mind. The latter category of people are the ones I am most interested in, as it is the category I belong to.

Why some people turn submissive?

Friday, March 27th, 2009

submissivejpg1There are several aspects to that like the different social roles (alphas, betas, etc), the biological drive, etc. But I think one new aspect is very influential in modern society. I heard from several friends that are Doms and Dominatrix pretty much the same story with little variation: that when someone is in charge and important and full of responsibilities in the “real world” that person would have a strong drive to then prefer the opposite in their sexual life, hence their strong drive to become sexually submissive.

It’s a fine explanation but I saw too many exceptions. I am a Dominant when it comes to intimate relations but I am not submissive, or indecisive, or a beta male, or a follower in any way in the “real world”. Same happens to all my friends who are Doms. That was a big hole in the theory people were telling me about. Yes I know of a lot of surgeons, politicians and businessman that turn passive and submissive when it comes to sex, but I couldn’t apply the formula to most Doms I know and to a good number of subs as well.

Then I came up with an explanation I think will cover a much higher percentage of all people I know. Still not perfect, but I think this theory is much more universal. Here it is:

We all play roles in our lives, like “father”, “husband”, “doctor”, “mother”, “boss”, “mistress”, etc. We all play several roles. We know that many men let themselves be defined by their roles, specially their professional role. They don’t see themselves separated from the role they play as a doctor, a police officer, a professor, a stock broker, or whatever they do for a living. Many men get depressed when they lose their job, some have trouble having sex and suffer from very low self-esteem while unemployed. They let their work define who they are.

I believe that when a man (most men, and some women too) lets himself be defined by his professional role, and that role is very stressful, full of decisions, pressure, and anxiety, he will have a very strong drive to seek relief from it and will not want to take any decisions and will prefer a passive and sometimes a submissive role in sex.

When a man dissociates from his professional role and other external symbols of success, responsibility, and importance, he won’t have the anxiety and stress and will not need to seek similar relief. So he can then be dominant and independent and a leader in one aspect of his life, and do the same in other aspects, like in their intimacy.

Why is submission so misunderstood?

Wednesday, March 25th, 2009

1162386643_20080915102855_510jpgIndividuals who submit control of a large percentage of their day-to-day life to a dominant partner, or who submit within a formal set of rules and rituals are sometimes referred to using the term slave, which is distinctly different from the historical use of the term, and the practice of this type of consensual sexual slavery is different from the historical practice of slavery.

As with most other sexual practices and concepts, the notion of submission is usually misconstrued or misunderstood. Most people associate submission with weakness or lack of self-esteem, while in reality I very rarely found a submissive woman with either of those problems. Quite the opposite: To be great submissive a woman usually needs to be successful, happy, secure, and have a trusting relationship with her dominant partner.

In general I don’t like to have relationships with women that are submissive outside of the sexual context. I have a very strong preference for women that are strong, independent, successful and happy. I was raised by strong, creative, intelligent women and learned to admire and respect them from the beginning.

Trust and deep connections

Sunday, March 8th, 2009

2128802085_ae8c876ff7_20080916105626_510jpgI appreciate a deeper level of sensual connection. An intense sensual awakening that only happens when lovers trust each other and are engaged in discovering what pleasures them the most, and what pleasures their lover.

Every change brings fear and uncertainty. The curiosity and desire for better life and experience is often suppressed by the fear of delving into uncharted territory. The idea of having someone more experienced guiding along the way tends to be very attractive for that very simple reason.

I found a path to it through sensual domination. It requires a lot of trust. To win my submissive’s mind, body and soul, I know I must first win her trust. I will show my submissive humor, kindness, and warmth. I must also show her that my guidance and tutoring is knowledgeable and deserving of her attention, that I am a man she can learn from, and trust my direction.

Above all else I cherish my women, in the knowledge that the gift they give me is the greatest of all. As a stern and demanding Dominant I take full advantage of the power given to me, but know how to share the pleasure that comes from that precious gift.