Khaos Theory

You can easily find plenty of advice online about how important it is for a couple to communicate their desires and preferences. It can’t be stated more clearly: If you don’t have a healthy way of expressing your thoughts and emotions to each other, of speaking and being heard, then everything else will ultimately crumble. I agree with that and I think that with most couples that advice would be just what they need…

But not in every case.

In regular sex, or vanilla sex as I like to call it, there is a certain very predictable sequence: Motivation, excitement, foreplay, plateau, orgasm, resolution. Always the exact same sequence with very little variation and it always goes from a few minutes (often) to even a few hours (rarely). It is mechanical and predictable. Pleasurable for a while, boring on the long run.

In a more sophisticated sexual lifestyle that includes much more sophisticated mental play, the time frame of a sexual experience can be seen in different metrics. Our sexual encounter may not be measured as one-get-laid-session but in a much longer frame. I may be planning something that will take several days to build up…

But to make it work I may need to communicate less!

If I tell you to not think about Elvis, what do you immediately think of? Yes, Elvis. If I told you that I will surprise you this weekend with a gift, would I still be able to surprise you with a gift? No. Too much information will diminish the effect, or spoil the experience altogether. I can’t let your mind get on the way.

In my experience, sex is a game, and I like to use the word game in it’s most positive and child-like meaning: It is played because it is fun, and it is played to win. Every time I am paying attention to what is it that excites you and brings you up to higher levels of enjoyment. I also pay attention to how much I like what happens along the way.

What I like to do is to create a domino effect. I find something that you like, and you may not even be aware of yet, and I will excite that. I may create these sequences of do-this-than-this-than-that and will need to implement that sequence over a course of several days for it to reach it’s full effect. Maybe I will not do something you like or at least not do it enough to build up tension and expectation. I may frustrate you in the short term to make it more intense over time. Whatever it is that I am doing it has the purpose of building up higher and higher sexual tension…

…and I will not tell you what is it I have in mind.

People who are practicing BDSM in any of its trillions of forms are doing it voluntarily, for fun. It’s a way to explore. Everything that happens in a BDSM relationship is consensual; and believe it or not, it’s not just about the dominant getting what he or she wants – it’s more about the submissive getting what she wants. People who are good at dominating or inflicting pain are, in general, LESS likely than many other people to be jerks or assholes.

Why? Because in order to be good at doing it, you need to be highly in-tune with your submissive. People who are self-centered generally make poor dominants, because they lack the empathy required to be able to read and judge their partner’s reactions, and bring their partner where that person wants to go. Assholes quickly find that nobody wants to play with them; and people who are empathic tend not to be assholes. All of the real top-notch dominants I’ve ever met, without exception, are incredibly cool people.

An abuser has no regard for the feelings, needs, or limits of the victim. A BDSM dominant is concerned above all else with the needs and desires of the submissive. The dynamics of a BDSM relationship are often driven by the submissive, not by the dominant. The submissive sets the limits; the submissive decides what places can and can not be explored; the submissive has the ability to call a halt to the scene. The dominant, in many ways, is simply a facilitator. It’s the dominant’s job to create a setting where the people involved can explore the submissive’s fantasies.

Meeting Fateweaver and you was half chance and half design. If you want to understand the design part of it read about spiders on my blog. One thing was clear as soon as we met: You were together. Not just in the sense of being there at the same time, I could tell that the connection between you two was strong and congruent.

Over the following week we met a few more times and made more common friends. At this point I could see that there was something under the surface. The way you talked to each other and the signals you sent out to the world were clear: You were both curious and very open-minded.

So with some conversations that delved into the private and more interesting aspects of our lives I invited you both to come to my place where I would “show you some kinky stuff”. You didn’t know what was going to happen, but I had a very good idea.

Let’s see, how do I describe this so you find yourself picturing it clearly in your mind now… Fateweaver is a true Dom in the sense that his impulses and interests are those of a Dom, but he didn’t have much of the language and basic techniques, so I proceeded to show some of it, and at every turn you reacted amazingly well. You were excited and happy like a kitten with a new toy. Each time I touched you I made it in such a way to let the slut inside of you come out to the surface. But up to that point I think all we had discovered was things you already knew at some level or another. You knew you liked to have your hair pulled. You knew you liked to be tied up. You knew you liked to be called a slut and more. You knew you liked to have your ass abused. Biting you and tying you up were things you enjoyed, but not something you couldn’t have imagined or possibly done already. You enjoyed not knowing who was fucking you but that was not breaking any major new ground for you.

I wanted to take you over the edge, see what is on the other side. Also needed to be free from the limits of my own inhibitions and time constraints so I could take you further. Fateweaver was surprisingly mature and understanding when you asked him for permission to see me alone. And despite the tribulations of it we are all happy he did.

What fascinated me was that I knew it was going to be perfect even before our meeting started. Where something within senses how intense it’s going to be, and you can hear that voice in your subconscious saying “How surprised would you be to find yourself actually looking back and realizing that was the moment when everything changed, laughing and having the best time, and you find yourself starting to feel really comfortable with that. As you think about it like that, doesn’t it just seem natural that we all met and spent some time together?” That’s what I remember…. and it’s a wonderful feeling, wasn’t it?

I knew I had to enter the dark realms of your soul that haven’t been visited yet. I had to enter that dark cave and wake up the monster inside, without knowing if that monster would be docile or hostile. I had to do it because that is what you needed, but also because that is what I wanted. Something in me gets excited by curiosity and empowered by your trust and then anything can happen.

Making you feel like you were out of your element, away from your protector, then helpless, then frightened, was one of the most beautiful acts of removing the covers that hide a person’s true nature. As each new layer was removed and I approached your inner truth it became clear to me, and to you, that you thrive on helplessness, that you finally embraced your true nature and by not having to worry about your own pleasure and serving the desires of someone else you found freedom.

Life’s most fundamental dynamic is the attempt to move from a lower level of experience and consciousness to a higher level of consciousness. From a diffuse identity to a more consolidated and structured identity. That transformation is so clear in you that it is visible on the way you move an on the way you look at Fateweaver. Your eyes shine differently now. I can see it. He can see it.

You are lucky you have a loving and mature Dom. I created a monster that very few men can feed. If you were alone you would be lost. Under less trustworthy company you would be in a downward spiral of abuse and havoc.

I love changing people’s lives for better. Above all I love women and awakening their sensuality became a fabulous source of pleasure and happiness in my own life. Seeing that I touched someone’s reality for better, seeing that I helped a woman become more free and happy is what I love the most. I believe I helped change your life and, by doing that, I transformed myself.

Intelligent, beautiful women like you always end up being a danger to themselves if left to their own devices. You have a highly developed intellect and the common place bores you, particularly sexually. As a result you push yourself to greater extremes, to continue that sensation of breaking a taboo and feeling utterly totally sinful and alive.

What you need is a man to take you in hand, to break you until you know nothing except satisfying his demands rather than chasing your own. You deserve to be with somebody who makes you feel utterly adored when you earn it, like every inch of your skin is alive with the sensation of a kiss and caress.

I know how to treat sluts like you. Only two things matter: The first is understanding that to a beautiful women intelligence can be a prison. It causes you to think, to ponder to doubt and to re-challenge. You have an ego telling you what you want, a super-ego telling you what you should want, and your sexuality telling you what makes you burn. They are all different and separate things. Your ideas about equality stand against your sexuality which in turn directly contradicts your aspirations and values.

I take you, I break you and I turn you into what I want. I cut through the knot that ties your mind, because you will be trained to provide for my wants and not worry about your own, and as a result you will be totally free.

Also, most women have something in there life that they are missing. It may be that they’ve been in a relationship where they hadn’t been physically admired. They might crave authority, they might miss affection. Every lost little girl has a hole in her heart so I find it and I fill it until it’s so full it’s about to burst. Then I take it away again, and watch what she is willing to do for me.

Everything I’ve experienced has led me to believe that when it comes to BDSM, there are two main categories of people: there are kinksters, people who enjoy the lifestyle and find pleasure in certain aspects of it; and then there are a smaller category of people who seek it out because they recognize in themselves an innate need to dominate or submit. It doesn’t need a name or a definition. It is just there, lurking in the subconscious, waiting to be unleashed on the conscious mind. The latter category of people are the ones I am most interested in, as it is the category I belong to.

I’ve met many people who engage in BDSM activities, such as bondage or spanking, but who insist they are “not into that BDSM stuff.” Usually, it’s because they have an idea in their heads about what BDSM is, like “BDSM means wearing a leather mask and being chained to a wall and whipped, and I don’t like that, so I’m not into BDSM.” But BDSM desn’t necessarily mean wearing a hood and being chained to the wall. If you like being lightly spanked, or light bondage excites you, then you’re into BDSM.

Some people love the aesthetic of an elaborate form of bondage; others simply aren’t interested in the bondage elements at all. The key to all these different forms of BDSM, though, is the exchange of power or sensation. One person (the “bottom” or “submissive”) is choosing to allow the other person (the “top” or “dominant”) to have control over him or her in some way, or to inflict sensation in some way. Perhaps it means allowing the other person to tie him up, perhaps it means allowing the other person to spank her, whatever.

Fear can prevent someone from moving forward or from trying certain sexual acts. Those fears usually come from unfamiliarity or inexperience, or from bad experiences from the past, or from bad associations that came from watching, reading, or being told that some act is dangerous, painful, unhealthy, demeaning, or humiliating. Those fears commonly cause some people to tense up or shy away.

Most fear is created by anticipation and by projecting thought forward. In a moment of true pain or danger there would be no anticipation, just action or reaction. Fear can also be indirect. A sub may not fear the act itself, but doubt the capacity of the Dom to do it correctly and safely. Fear also comes afterwards when you think about what could have happened.

The same kind of fear reaction can occur when about to engage in something new. The deep instincts we have of fight or flight cause us to tense our muscles.

An experienced Dom must know when to use fear and when to avoid it. He can use fear, even provoke it, with the intention of tensing the sub and heightening her senses, stimulating and intensifying the experience. He may also use trust, care, comfort and orientation to calm down, prepare and relax the sub prior to a challenging act or situation.

Those are moments when I don’t advocate the use of alcohol or drugs at all. If you can’t calm down someone to do something while sober you shouldn’t try it with her drunk either. A [pseudo]Dom that needs to intoxicate a sub to have his way is a faker and potentially a criminal. I am not against the use of alcohol or even drugs as recreational items and to have fun at other moments, but during sex in general and BDSM in particular.

Drama accomplishes a lot of things at once. It gets attention, it sends emotions through the body (emotions are highly addictive chemicals), it’s a way to be self-righteous, it’s often fun, it’s interesting and prevents boredom, it gives things meaning… and on and on. There are a lot of good reasons for drama. But most
men can’t understand because drama fulfills needs that most men don’t have.

Everyone will give you some drama. Everyone has baggage. What matter is that you baggage fits all the way under the seat in front of you. In other words, not uncontrollable and overwhelming amounts of drama and baggage. It is ok if she tells you a little about her crazy friends, but not about the reappearing assaulting and occasionally spanking ex-boyfriend who just got paroled. You get the idea.

So drama is expected, but there is a right way to deal with it:

Don’t react to it emotionally.

That is it. Don’t react. Don’t try to solve the problem. Don’t try to explain anything. Just smile, occasionally ask questions, but in general just ignore the issue. With time she will get tired of throwing her drama at you because it just bounces on you and falls to the ground. Just don’t do anything about it.

A question was asked in a BDSM forum that struck me as somewhat odd. A submissive woman asked if it was possible for a dominant to be both nurturing and sadistic…

Surprisingly, (to me, at least) the overwhelming response was that NO a dominant cannot be both nurturing and sadistic. I’d say about 85% of the responses were from submissive women, and they said it wasn’t possible to be in a love-based BDSM relationship of any sort with a sadistic dominant. The few dominant males who responded were the type that agree with the majority out of the belief it will get them more friends.

My response is actually the exact opposite. I believe it is absolutely possible for a dominant to be nurturing and caring as well as sadistic.

Why must these terms be mutually exclusive? Why can’t someone who identifies as “submissive” also be “masochistic”? If the submissive is masochistic, then even if her sadistic dominant loves her, pain, in some form, will be part of their relationship. If it pleases the dominant to inflict pain on his submissive, and the submissive also enjoys receiving that pain, everyone benefits. Even if she doesn’t enjoy the pain, she should, ideally, enjoy serving and pleasing her dominant, in which case, everyone still benefits. He can still be nurturing and caring, he can still love her, why not? Are sadists no longer humans?

After this response, many of the submissives backtracked and claimed that they loved receiving physical pain from their dominants, and the post was obviously talking about emotional sadism, which is totally different

Sadism is sadism. And for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Masochists enjoy the pain inflcted on them by sadists. One might venture to say the sadist is nurturing the masochist’s needs….

Can a relationship between a non-masochistic submissive and a sadistic dominant work? Maybe not. But that doesn’t change the fact that a dominant CAN be nurturing and sadistic, whether the submissives in the forum wish to admit it or not.

Interesting question posted on FetLife.com:

A lot of people talk about training a sub or a slave..

But can you train a Dom?

For instance.. Scenario One; A pretty little sub girl meets a vanilla whom she falls in love with, Describes her lifestyle to the vanilla who professes to find it connects with him and wants to dominate her, Therefore can she then proceed to “train her dom”

Scenario two; Sub meets a Dom, Finds he is not fulfilling her needs, Of course there is constant communication in a relationship ( I expect) Then Can the sub train her Dom to suit her needs, Like a Dom would train his Sub?

Some say this is a violation, and if A sub does this she is trying to “top from the bottom” Which I find ridiculous personally.

Why do I never see many attempting to train their Doms?, Somehow I doubt they perfectly meet every need from the bat.

My answer:

It is possible, but I will not say it is easy.

If he is already an ALHPA MALE and mature and emotionally balanced then the task will be quite easy because he will know how to project his strong personality and values while at the same time paying attention to what works for his sub and for him. A real alpha man that is mature well developed is open to learn and will find that it is easy to fit the role of Dom comfortably. It will be quite a pleasurable journey for both.

However, if he is not an alpha male already, or not mature and well developed, or not emotionally balanced, this can be as hard as trying to teach a horse to deal cards.

Developing a “regular pussyfied american male” and turning him into an alpha male is work for serious and dedicated training programs and schools, and it usually costs thousands of dollars. Just like rehab, analysis, or deep behavior modification, it can rarely be accomplished by amateurs.

Being a good sub doesn’t mean you can be a good teacher.