Love requires thinking. Thinking gets on the way of sex.

Love wants purity, while sex doesn’t. Love is like ownership, sex is like trespassing. Love dreams about being accepted and allowed. Sex dreams about being prohibited. Most fantasies are taboos.

In the utopia of romantic novels and dating advice, love comes first and sex follows, much later. In the real world sex usually comes first and love is dragged along.

Love is a result of desire. Sex does not depend on desire, just takes it over. Love can get on the way of sex, but not the other way around.

Nobody masturbates to love. Nobody suffers from being horny.

Love dreams about what it can be. Sex gets satisfied with what it is. Love is never completely satisfying because it is based in an impossibility. Sex may be satisfying, if you know how to do it. Love and sex rarely come together, pardon the pun.

Love doesn’t require the presence of the loved one. Sex, even when alone, requires a little “hand”. Some love stories don’t even require a partner; they grow on solitude, memories, or distance. Sex is much more realistic. So love can be a search for an illusion while sex requires the truth.

Single people dream of love. Married people dream of sex.

Love can be somehow ridiculous, especially in the great romance novels and soap operas. Sex can look ridiculous if you turn the movie on in the middle of a scene.

Sex always existed – from the caves all the way to the modern brothels. Romantic love was invented during the Renaissance by the poets, and reinvented by Hollywood. The only way to control love is by programming it, with moral codes and social standards. The way to control sex is by programming it, like the porn industry does with it’s standardized positions and acts. Restrained love protects the status quo. Wild sex is a threat to the peace and stability of everyone.

There are no brothels for love, where the guy can come in and fall in love. But in every brothel they always pretend a little bit of love and romance to “warm up”. Love became a jumpstart for commercial sex.

Make love, not war, they say. Sex wants war. Hate can destroy love, but it may spark some great sex. Love talks a lot. Sex screams, groans, wispers, but does not explain anything.

The problem with love is that it lasts for too long, while sex doesn’t last long enough. The danger of sex is that you can fall in love. The danger of love is that you can fall into becoming friends. In a world of condoms, sex can be safe. But there is no condom to wrap your heart with.

People who are practicing BDSM in any of its trillions of forms are doing it voluntarily, for fun. It’s a way to explore. Everything that happens in a BDSM relationship is consensual; and believe it or not, it’s not just about the dominant getting what he or she wants – it’s more about the submissive getting what she wants. People who are good at dominating or inflicting pain are, in general, LESS likely than many other people to be jerks or assholes.

Why? Because in order to be good at doing it, you need to be highly in-tune with your submissive. People who are self-centered generally make poor dominants, because they lack the empathy required to be able to read and judge their partner’s reactions, and bring their partner where that person wants to go. Assholes quickly find that nobody wants to play with them; and people who are empathic tend not to be assholes. All of the real top-notch dominants I’ve ever met, without exception, are incredibly cool people.

An abuser has no regard for the feelings, needs, or limits of the victim. A BDSM dominant is concerned above all else with the needs and desires of the submissive. The dynamics of a BDSM relationship are often driven by the submissive, not by the dominant. The submissive sets the limits; the submissive decides what places can and can not be explored; the submissive has the ability to call a halt to the scene. The dominant, in many ways, is simply a facilitator. It’s the dominant’s job to create a setting where the people involved can explore the submissive’s fantasies.

A romantic connection (also called pair-bonding) is a deep emotional bond to another individual. The tendency to form a deep emotional bond to another individual is an universal feature of human life.

The connections we form to our partners are designed to keep people together. When we form a connection to a partner – we want to be near that person. And we tend to feel safe and secure when our partners are around. Overall, forming a connection was designed to help create stability. If you are connected to someone and the relationship comes to an end, the sense of loss can be overwhelming – including feelings of uncertainty, fear, and despair.

Humans are designed to form a strong connections to a romantic partner because human offspring are born extremely immature (unable to care for themselves). Individuals who formed a deep connections to their sexual partners were better equipped to raise offspring. And over millions of years of human development, evolution favored people who formed a deep emotional bond to a sexual partner. As such, people living today are all the descendants of individuals who formed an emotional bond to their romantic partners in the past.

Not only are humans designed to form a deep emotional bond to a sexual partner, but the process by which we do so is very similar to how infants form a bond to their primary caregivers.

Human infants universally form a deep emotional attachment to the person who provides the most care (usually a mother). This attachment is designed to keep infants close to their caregivers, which ultimately helped ensured an infant’s survival. When infants form a deep emotional attachment to their caregiver – children feel safe and secure. For infants, attachment figures (caregivers) provide a sense of security and comfort. When separate from their attachment figure, infants will stage a protest (crying and screaming) designed to get their caregiver’s attention.

How do infants know who to form an attachment to?

Infants form an attachment to the caregivers based on the nature and amount of physical contact they have with others. Infants form an attachment to the person who provides the most physical contact – the most kissing, cuddling, caressing, and so on.

And adults do the same when it comes to forming a romantic connection. Adults form a deep emotional connection based on intimate physical contact – kissing and cuddling, etc. If you have repeated intimate contact with another person, you will most likely form a deep connection to that person. Once a connection is formed – people want to spend more time together, feel safe and secure in each other’s presence, and they will experience loss when the relationship comes to an end.

The lesson to be learned? Be careful about whom you have repeated intimate contact with – you are likely to form a strong connection to that person. And once a connection is formed, it can be very difficult to break. Doms especially tend to forget that when they dominate someone they are creating a two-way street where both will feel increasingly connected emotionally.

Meeting Fateweaver and you was half chance and half design. If you want to understand the design part of it read about spiders on my blog. One thing was clear as soon as we met: You were together. Not just in the sense of being there at the same time, I could tell that the connection between you two was strong and congruent.

Over the following week we met a few more times and made more common friends. At this point I could see that there was something under the surface. The way you talked to each other and the signals you sent out to the world were clear: You were both curious and very open-minded.

So with some conversations that delved into the private and more interesting aspects of our lives I invited you both to come to my place where I would “show you some kinky stuff”. You didn’t know what was going to happen, but I had a very good idea.

Let’s see, how do I describe this so you find yourself picturing it clearly in your mind now… Fateweaver is a true Dom in the sense that his impulses and interests are those of a Dom, but he didn’t have much of the language and basic techniques, so I proceeded to show some of it, and at every turn you reacted amazingly well. You were excited and happy like a kitten with a new toy. Each time I touched you I made it in such a way to let the slut inside of you come out to the surface. But up to that point I think all we had discovered was things you already knew at some level or another. You knew you liked to have your hair pulled. You knew you liked to be tied up. You knew you liked to be called a slut and more. You knew you liked to have your ass abused. Biting you and tying you up were things you enjoyed, but not something you couldn’t have imagined or possibly done already. You enjoyed not knowing who was fucking you but that was not breaking any major new ground for you.

I wanted to take you over the edge, see what is on the other side. Also needed to be free from the limits of my own inhibitions and time constraints so I could take you further. Fateweaver was surprisingly mature and understanding when you asked him for permission to see me alone. And despite the tribulations of it we are all happy he did.

What fascinated me was that I knew it was going to be perfect even before our meeting started. Where something within senses how intense it’s going to be, and you can hear that voice in your subconscious saying “How surprised would you be to find yourself actually looking back and realizing that was the moment when everything changed, laughing and having the best time, and you find yourself starting to feel really comfortable with that. As you think about it like that, doesn’t it just seem natural that we all met and spent some time together?” That’s what I remember…. and it’s a wonderful feeling, wasn’t it?

I knew I had to enter the dark realms of your soul that haven’t been visited yet. I had to enter that dark cave and wake up the monster inside, without knowing if that monster would be docile or hostile. I had to do it because that is what you needed, but also because that is what I wanted. Something in me gets excited by curiosity and empowered by your trust and then anything can happen.

Making you feel like you were out of your element, away from your protector, then helpless, then frightened, was one of the most beautiful acts of removing the covers that hide a person’s true nature. As each new layer was removed and I approached your inner truth it became clear to me, and to you, that you thrive on helplessness, that you finally embraced your true nature and by not having to worry about your own pleasure and serving the desires of someone else you found freedom.

Life’s most fundamental dynamic is the attempt to move from a lower level of experience and consciousness to a higher level of consciousness. From a diffuse identity to a more consolidated and structured identity. That transformation is so clear in you that it is visible on the way you move an on the way you look at Fateweaver. Your eyes shine differently now. I can see it. He can see it.

You are lucky you have a loving and mature Dom. I created a monster that very few men can feed. If you were alone you would be lost. Under less trustworthy company you would be in a downward spiral of abuse and havoc.

I love changing people’s lives for better. Above all I love women and awakening their sensuality became a fabulous source of pleasure and happiness in my own life. Seeing that I touched someone’s reality for better, seeing that I helped a woman become more free and happy is what I love the most. I believe I helped change your life and, by doing that, I transformed myself.

If you had a chance to try anything one time, what would that be?

The question suggests “trying anything without consequences” and that is territory of fantasies, sexual in nature or not. The fundamental component of fantasies is that they exist only for their elasticity, their ability to instantly incorporate any new character, image or idea – or, as in dreams, to which they bear so close a relationship – to contain conflicting ideas simultaneously. They expand, heighten, distort or exaggerate reality, taking one further, faster in the direction in which the unashamed unconscious already knows it wants to go. They present the astonished self with the incredible, the opportunity to entertain the impossible^*.

One of the greatest discoveries I had during these last few years was to learn that women also have and express their fantasies in ways that are more rich and interesting than men. Nacy Friday’s book and some others were like finding a little window with a view to another world.

* Shamelessly adapted from My Secret Garden, by Nancy Friday

Fear can prevent someone from moving forward or from trying certain sexual acts. Those fears usually come from unfamiliarity or inexperience, or from bad experiences from the past, or from bad associations that came from watching, reading, or being told that some act is dangerous, painful, unhealthy, demeaning, or humiliating. Those fears commonly cause some people to tense up or shy away.

Most fear is created by anticipation and by projecting thought forward. In a moment of true pain or danger there would be no anticipation, just action or reaction. Fear can also be indirect. A sub may not fear the act itself, but doubt the capacity of the Dom to do it correctly and safely. Fear also comes afterwards when you think about what could have happened.

The same kind of fear reaction can occur when about to engage in something new. The deep instincts we have of fight or flight cause us to tense our muscles.

An experienced Dom must know when to use fear and when to avoid it. He can use fear, even provoke it, with the intention of tensing the sub and heightening her senses, stimulating and intensifying the experience. He may also use trust, care, comfort and orientation to calm down, prepare and relax the sub prior to a challenging act or situation.

Those are moments when I don’t advocate the use of alcohol or drugs at all. If you can’t calm down someone to do something while sober you shouldn’t try it with her drunk either. A [pseudo]Dom that needs to intoxicate a sub to have his way is a faker and potentially a criminal. I am not against the use of alcohol or even drugs as recreational items and to have fun at other moments, but during sex in general and BDSM in particular.

There is one very effective shortcut to learn to approve of yourself is to approve of others.

Pay attention to what others do and when you see effort, dedication, elegance, or any other great qualities in someone’s self, or someone’s work, point at it and tell them how much you appreciate it.

When you give an honest compliment, both people win something.

Drama accomplishes a lot of things at once. It gets attention, it sends emotions through the body (emotions are highly addictive chemicals), it’s a way to be self-righteous, it’s often fun, it’s interesting and prevents boredom, it gives things meaning… and on and on. There are a lot of good reasons for drama. But most
men can’t understand because drama fulfills needs that most men don’t have.

Everyone will give you some drama. Everyone has baggage. What matter is that you baggage fits all the way under the seat in front of you. In other words, not uncontrollable and overwhelming amounts of drama and baggage. It is ok if she tells you a little about her crazy friends, but not about the reappearing assaulting and occasionally spanking ex-boyfriend who just got paroled. You get the idea.

So drama is expected, but there is a right way to deal with it:

Don’t react to it emotionally.

That is it. Don’t react. Don’t try to solve the problem. Don’t try to explain anything. Just smile, occasionally ask questions, but in general just ignore the issue. With time she will get tired of throwing her drama at you because it just bounces on you and falls to the ground. Just don’t do anything about it.