Khaos Theory

According to Barney Stinson, the conniving but lovable bachelor on the show “How I Met Your Mother,” picking up women is quite easy. He suggests a foolproof method with two easy steps:

1) Accumulate a billion dollars
2) Sleep with women

Barney says this method has a 100% success rate and it attracts “any woman throughout space and time, although it sucks to have to pay taxes.”

Well what if you aren’t a sitcom character, and you don’t have the time to become a billionaire? Lots of men go for something I call the “cold approach.” They dress up in trendy duds, gather some friends, and head out to a bar or nightclub. They set out with a goal of meeting a hot girl and, hopefully, getting laid. If a guy isn’t bold enough to walk up and start grinding on an unsuspecting girl on the dance floor, he might buy a woman a drink, or toss out a cheesy pickup line. At best, he finds a girl drunk and/or horny enough to overlook his awkward approach and have a conversation, which may or may not lead to a one-night stand. At worst, he ends up gnawing off his own arm, to free himself from a girl who has passed out next to him in a pool of vomit.

Most quality women don’t go to clubs to meet guys – they go to clubs to dance. In fact, a growing number of women prefer going to gay clubs to dance, so they can avoid the whole tired pickup scene altogether.

So where does this leave the nice single guy who doesn’t come from New Jersey and wear Ed Hardy t-shirts? I recommend something called the “warm approach,” in which you arrange to meet women with whom you may already have something in common. Now ideally this thing in common is not your workplace. But there are plenty of other options available to the guy willing to give it a shot.

What does step #1 look like in this more realistic “warm approach” to meeting women? It’s simple – it’s called getting a life. Travel, join activities and just plain get out of the house. If you go for athletic or competitive women, join a co-ed sports league. If you are seeking a girl with a big heart, try getting involved in volunteer work or a charity. Instead of taking your dog for a walk around the block, go to the dog park to meet women who also love canines. Take community college classes on subjects that interest you, like food and wine, photography or foreign languages. Attend bartending school even if you don’t plan to become a bartender. Join yoga classes if you prefer fit, hot, vegetarian, kind of hippie leaning chicks.

Once you’ve found a nice, non-threatening environment like one of the above, where women will let their guards down, don’t suddenly act like a pickup artist. Not every woman is going to want to sleep with you – some will become friends simply because of your shared interests. Either way, remember that people will choose whether or not to connect with you based on how you make them feel. The best way to make a woman you’ve just met feel good is simply by asking questions and showing an interest in what she has to say. And then when it’s time to impress her with your personality, don’t just tell her what you are about. Share your stories. Hopefully you’ve followed my advice and done some things that will have allowed you to accumulate a few. If not, go back to step #1, and get a life!

There is one very effective shortcut to learn to approve of yourself is to approve of others.

Pay attention to what others do and when you see effort, dedication, elegance, or any other great qualities in someone’s self, or someone’s work, point at it and tell them how much you appreciate it.

When you give an honest compliment, both people win something.

Drama accomplishes a lot of things at once. It gets attention, it sends emotions through the body (emotions are highly addictive chemicals), it’s a way to be self-righteous, it’s often fun, it’s interesting and prevents boredom, it gives things meaning… and on and on. There are a lot of good reasons for drama. But most
men can’t understand because drama fulfills needs that most men don’t have.

Everyone will give you some drama. Everyone has baggage. What matter is that you baggage fits all the way under the seat in front of you. In other words, not uncontrollable and overwhelming amounts of drama and baggage. It is ok if she tells you a little about her crazy friends, but not about the reappearing assaulting and occasionally spanking ex-boyfriend who just got paroled. You get the idea.

So drama is expected, but there is a right way to deal with it:

Don’t react to it emotionally.

That is it. Don’t react. Don’t try to solve the problem. Don’t try to explain anything. Just smile, occasionally ask questions, but in general just ignore the issue. With time she will get tired of throwing her drama at you because it just bounces on you and falls to the ground. Just don’t do anything about it.

For a while I have seen a  top model and, from a physical point-of-view it was great. But I was not attracted to her in the same ways I have been attracted to other women that I have met. I did not expect to feel that way while I was with her, or even today, a few years later. So now my question is: Would I rather have a great experience with a woman to whom I am not attracted to or an “ok” time with a woman that looks stunning?

Well… in a way I think I already answered my question.

The phenomenon of sexual attraction is complex and highly personal. And as I found out, sometimes even when we get what we think we want it isn’t what we want. We’ve all been programmed to think beauty is the ultimate yardstick by which we measure our success in choosing a wife, girlfriend or lover. We may know better if we think about it, but our gut reaction is to always go for good looks.

But as our experience level increases, a lot of guys (and women) start to realize that the other dimensions of compatibility, sexual attraction and performance come into play, and in fact usually overshadow looks alone.

I learned this in two different ways.  First with this girlfriend that had stunning looks but was a poor lover and always left me feeling unsatisfied and even lonely somehow. Being with her was like seeing a tempting treat that was always just out of reach. I usually felt like a spectator even when I was with her because the connection we had was one-dimensional. The basis for our relationship was just physical.

I experienced the opposite situation with another girl that wasn’t my physical type in any way, but who won me over with her personality and enthusiasm, becoming a favorite of mine in the process. She was the opposite of everything I liked appearance-wise. The circumstances that put us together were out of the ordinary so I gave it a chance, and I’ll always be glad I did.

Once I got to know this woman our compatibility grew. I quit seeing her as the woman who didn’t look like my ideal and started seeing her as just a really great woman that made me happy. After all, wasn’t that the objective?

I realized at that moment I’d finally turned a corner and matured as a man because I had quit chasing the appearance ideal of the girls of my youth and started to enjoy the real women that were all around me.

Weekends or long holidays are way too much time to be spent with someone you don’t know very well yet. Unless you are both in the beginning of that magic stage where you are falling in love and the other person can’t do anything wrong in your eyes, the fantasy can’t be maintained for that length of time. Not by you, not by her.

This means that by the end of the weekend, you’re just two people spending time together and if you’re clicking it goes reasonably well, but most probably it won’t. You may think she’s perfect and you’re in love, but after the first day, she’s just seeing you as a regular guy who is invading all her privacy or fogging up the mirror when she’s trying to put her make-up on.

Vacations are hard even on couples that are dating. In fact, they’re relationship killers – Looking back I see that of those long weekends and short trips with girls, most of the time they were the end of the relationship, not the beginning.

I also think long dates are very risky if you tend to fall in love, or take things to extremes. We’ve all read countless articles on the internet about guys who are actually displaying various forms of obsessive-compulsive behavior and have lost all sense of perspective, even though they’re always calling it something else. It’s a common problem with some guys – again, made worse by a weekend length date.

Even if you like her very much and she doesn’t bother you at all, just because she represents all the things you want in a woman, doesn’t mean she views you even remotely in the same way. The weekend may be exactly the time she needs to realize you are not her best lover, Mr. Right, or her all-time-favorite. So by the time you were on your way to the airport and wanted a blowjob, she was way past the point of wanting to keep your fantasy alive. She was just a woman ready to get home, hence her rather disconnected attitude.

My advice would be to proceed slowly – no weekend dates yet. Limit yourself to evenings at first. Then spend all days together but not far from home so both have the option of just driving back any time. Keep increasing the time and distance until you find what is your boundary with her. It may be a long way until you are going out on week-long cruises, but at least you won’t wear off the relationship unnecessarily.

It’s no secret that male and female sexuality differ. Many men feel sex is a recurring physical need – the daily physical release of sexual tension or energy, while many women might view the same act in more experiential terms, adding romance, intimacy, closeness, or sensuality to the mix. We all know how these differences can lead to misunderstandings in marriage or relationships, so this isn’t really news.

But these blanket generalizations only tell part of the story, however, because we are complex beings. Sometimes a woman might fantasize about being taken forcefully (not forcibly) into the stairwell of an office building by a handsome stranger she just passed in the hall. She might imagine being pressed up against the wall and being taken with great passion and physicality. And alternatively, a man might have times when he really does want to be held, nurtured and loved and “make love” rather than just have sex.

But even when we’re alike, we’re different.  The thought of that sexual fantasy might sustain a woman’s passion for weeks as she replays the scenario in her head- even though she has no intention of ever following through or making it a reality. Whereas the same fantasy for a man would usually only be a turn-on if it was in anticipation of the actual event somehow being fulfilled.

Most men feel horny again just a few hours after having sex and have trouble with the repetition of routine it creates. That is alleviated by fantasies, by watching porn, or by just observing, and desiring, other women. This isn’t that uncommon for men, ladies, so don’t get all insulted. Aside from the obvious fact that many men want or need sex almost continuously, the real issue here is that a lot of guys aren’t that “experiential.” This means they’d rather buy a new truck or a flat TV than go to Europe with you. Stated another way, many guys place a higher priority on durable goods than temporary experiences. How many husband/wife or BF/GF conflicts arise over this one difference?

But getting back to experiences vs. things – people that are more experiential will be more likely to incorporate, and want, some sort of emotional or romantic component into their sex life, rather than just approach it as satisfying a physical need. Regardless of gender, these types will be happiest with sexual encounters that enhance intimacy in various ways. I’d speculate that the majority of women fall into this group, as well as some men – they can even be the same men who at other times just want a quick, no-frills release. As I said, we’re complex beings, and neither an individual or an entire gender lives exclusively in one camp or the other.

If a guy is in the group that views sex as a recurring physical need, and not part of a larger act of intimacy, then he will feel this need can be satisfied in many different ways, or with many different people. He will also be willing to pay for this. In this sense, his daily physical sexual needs become commodified. If someone, male or female, views a service or product as a commodity, then it is inevitable that it will be shopped on the basis of price and value. We all do it everyday – at the grocery store, at the gas station, at the mall.

“How dare he call me a commodity?” most women think to themselves… Fair enough, you are a unique individual, not a commodity, and you certainly don’t think you are offering a commodity service. But my point is, many of your customers (oops! I’m sorry I meant to say your partners…) think they are buying a commodity service, because that physical sexual need can be satisfied in many places and in many alternative ways. Again, the reason being is that if you’re just going to be horny again later that day or the next day for sure, then price/value, which enables greater frequency, is also an important consideration. That’s not to say that many other men don’t value a high-priced courtesan experience, or spending the weekend with his high-maintenance hot girlfriend, or that the same guy who goes for quantity one day, doesn’t want a higher quality experience the next. Just as in the same way we all can appreciate a fine meal, even though we know we’ll be hungry the next day. But in reality, the daily fare for most of us is rather more generic. And the daily sexual fare for most of us isn’t a high-priced courtesan or seductive lover… it’s one of the many lower cost alternatives, including booty calls, porn, or self-service.

I’d bet that nearly every guy that has seen an escort has, at one time or another, thought he really should have used that money for something else – maybe the car needed new tires or he needed a new suit for work, or the rent is due.  Those needs don’t go away, and they’re still waiting for you when you get home. For the guys who are more motivated by things rather than experiences, spending money in this manner (on experiences) is difficult, especially when you know you’re letting something else slide. Also, and this is the big one, when you know you WILL want sex again later that day and hate yourself for having “blown” the money on what was a fleeting pleasure.

Ladies, you can attack this all you like, but this is a look into the inner dialog most men have with themselves before they call you on a date. The exceptions are the affluent, who have enough money to avoid making these hard choices, or those who place a greater premium on experience, and will gladly pay (in money, or gifts, or picking up the tab) for a satisfying time, regardless of the alternative uses for those funds – these guys don’t really care, as long as they had a unique and satisfying time.

It’s usually an insult to women who are not sex workers to state that many guys will go through this thought process. After all, this issue in its many forms is the most common problem between husbands and wives. Keep in mind too, that it is the guys who CAN’T see the alternative sources in which their money can be spent, or are unable to prioritize their expenditures in a rational manner in order to make the right choices that get into trouble in this activity. These are the guys that are out of control, falling in love with escorts, acting in an addictive manner, or becoming stalkers.

For most of us, life is a daily juggling act between what we want and what we can afford. It’s one of the things that makes satisfying our desires all the sweeter when that actually occurs.  But it also can lead to feelings of guilt or remorse in many people. This doesn’t make guys that feel this way jerks, it just shows they are human.

Certainly, we have our share of top quality young women and ladies who have earned their good reputation, so it’s important to make the distinction between that group and the larger group that seems to be totally lacking in common courtesy or respect for the people whose time they waste.

It may be worse in some areas like Miami and Las Vegas, but it seems we have created a society of women that simply think the world owes them a living, and a very good one at that, because they are attractive. Perhaps this is the inevitable result of an appearance obsessed culture, where good looks give them special treatment and any shortcomings are forgiven if they’re pretty enough. But living in this fantasy land of the superficial prevents them from maturing as people. Whatever the reason, it’s a common complaint amongst the men who wish to be their partners.

I’m afraid we’ve created a monster and it’s reflected in the dating world. This primadonna attitude by the “princesses” in the dating world is what drove many guys out of it in the first place. Sadly, they soon learn that this same entitlement attitude infects the offline society in general world as well.

As an aside, I’ve gotten so turned-off by some of these spoiled girls posting on dating web sites and message boards about  how they “deserve” top-notch treatment for the mediocre experience they provide, that I’ve completely stopped seeing women that show any of this attitude, and I used to see them often – hoping in vain that some sort of sanity will eventually return. But sadly, the internet has just made it easier to reinforce these bad behaviors by providing an endless pool of suckers.

While the Internet  also gives us a forum for variety and pre-qualification, there are enough unsuspecting guys jumping hoops for these women that it appears we haven’t reached the bottom yet. Boorish behavior, after all, isn’t hard to learn, it’s only hard to stop.

The basic blueprint

To understand the dynamics of dating in general it is important to have a certain understanding of our biological/evolutionary blueprint. This blueprint has a very simple purpose: to assure the continuation of our species. A simple task and done quite well, but not without some conflicts and misunderstandings that confuse people in modern societies.

Evolutionary theory suggests that a woman places significant emphasis on a man’s ability to provide resources and protection. These resources and protection are important in ensuring the successful raising of the woman’s offspring. The ability to provide resources and protection might also be sought because the underlying traits are likely to be passed on to male offspring. The theory also suggests that people whose physical features suggest they are healthy are seen as more attractive. However, from a reproductive standpoint women are torn between a mate that represents the best genetic health and will contribute survival characteristics to their children, versus the mate that will stick around long enough to help her raise the baby to the point of independence, which in humans is, regrettably, a very long time.

Alpha males, commonly represented by wild “bad boys” are the most capable of risk-taking, vitality and strength – survival characteristics from our genetic past. Seeking adventure and flirting with danger for fun is exactly the thing you’re looking for if your genetic history includes being chased around by large cats and having to kill invaders. So while these personality characteristics are sought out by females as representing genetic health and survival, history has shown they tend to make bad fathers, hence the conflict. They don’t always come home, or have a strong enough couple-bond to either the mother or the baby to raise it. So like all of us, their strength also defines their weakness.

Being a promiscuous rogue may be as successful a reproductive strategy as the strategy of being a reliable provider. According to an article in The Independent, there is a “dark triad” of personality traits associated with naturally occurring ‘bad boys’, consisting of narcissism, thrill-seeking, and deceitfulness. The attraction of beautiful women to the “bad boy” archetype is attributed both to his confidence, intriguing mystery, seeming indifference (suggesting an abundance of sexual options) and unavailability, which challenges women to chase him.

This contrasts with supplicating men who seem needy and desperate to please, suggesting lower value, and so they are less attractive. The more stable male that will stick with the mother and raise the kids may not have the strongest survival characteristics, at least in the world that shaped our genetic heritage.

Evolutionary psychologist Professor Bill von Hippel claims that women are especially attracted to such bad boys when they are ovulating. He showed that women are continuously resolving this conflict on an unconscious level by being attracted to the “bad boy” type of male while ovulating (and most likely to conceive), and the stable type during the rest of her menstrual cycle. The study also found married women were more likely to stray during ovulation and you can guess which type of man they sought.

So it’s not your imagination – women are attracted to bad boys, whether they’re gladiators, fighter pilots, or football players. These guys have been making women squirm in their seats for centuries. And yes, they have been getting the girls because they represent strength, and risk-taking. But when it comes time for marriage and raising a family, most women seek the stable type of male personality.

Of course, the power of sexual attraction is strong and many women make the mistake of marrying (or being impregnated by) the “bad boy,” only to find themselves raising their child alone when the inevitable happens – the bad boy takes off in search of his next adventure. He is not likely to have the ‘stay around-ness’ character that is also needed, and he dashes off.

This isn’t exactly a new situation and nearly every society has invented the institution of marriage to resolve this fundamental problem and ensure its own preservation. After all, what’s the benefit to the social group of rowing your long boat all the way across the sea to rape and plunder if you decide you don’t want to return home after sampling the local beauties? Whether watching his sails disappear over the horizon, or the tail lights of his pick-up truck as he pulls out of your driveway, those are only variations on an age-old theme. Unfortunately, as the institution of marriage is also a very imperfect model, more and more women are forced to raise families on their own.

So don’t blame yourself if you’re a nice guy and seem destined to pay the bills while the stud gets the girls. It’s all in the genes and it’s been that way for thousands of years. Our behaviors are defined much more by 180 thousand years of evolution from the caves to the villages than by 10 thousand years of agricultural life, or just 250 years or so of industrialism. We are off the shelf mammals, with a very thin veneer of civilization on top.

The similarity of roles in modern society

In todays world, the everyday lives of men and women are almost exactly the same: we both get up, deal with the traffic, go to work (deal with some of the exact same work scenarios), drive home and have the same duties to do when we get home and the cycle begins again.

The distinction between men and women is lesser than it used to be. In earlier times life was more difficult, clearly more brutal in most social environments. For one thing, the ratio of men to women was much greater than today in many situations, like during colonization and conquests. The men went first to fight and destroy and the families would follow later, balancing the ratio of males x females back to normality. That in itself meant that men had to stake their claims on a woman, home and family and there was much to protect for and against. It was easy for a man to be a hero in his wife and children’s eyes then because he was pretty much facing foes and challenges all the time and for her.

Contemporary living

Modern life has really wrecked havoc on our sexual attraction. Things have just changed too fast in the last hundred years especially. We now live in a world where a more intellectual type of guy is the better provider – not a “nerd” necessarily, but someone who has the ability to succeed in an white collar/business environment.

Physical strength and daring are no longer a requirement for modern living, yet we’re still attracted to them. To compensate for the blandness and safety of modern existence, we create sports and other extreme activities. They serve the same purpose, but they are contrived and manufactured risk, merely re-enactments of the risk-taking inherent in our history. They may sometimes be life-threatening, but they are pursued for the thrill of the experience, not to obtain food from an uncooperative bison or to flee a pursuing bear.

As a result, the modern woman is just as out of her element as the modern man. She still wants to be “claimed”, and secretly gets excited at the proposition of a gallant knight sweeping her off her feet and taking her away as his bride (kicking and screaming optional). While it’s not PC to even discuss this subject anymore, women are as genetically predisposed to be “taken” as men are to win them and sweep them away.

The problem in modern, civilized life is obvious, however, as laws seeking to modify behavior and ensure safety come up against this ancient instinct. Of course, in most of us, this is just takes the form of harmless flirting with a little sexual tension thrown in for good measure. He invites her to watch his football game, she screams and cheers as he makes a good catch, and then gives his big, sweaty body a hug after the game – all very primal, but satisfying very basic needs.

Sadly, these urges are not controlled and a little too close to the surface in some men, and you end up with rapists and stalkers. But let’s face it, until fairly modern times (genetically speaking) most men were rapists and stalkers. So it’s a delicate dance, and civilization is a thin veneer at best since we’re always juggling the disparate urges so deeply ingrained in us all.

Since we live in a world where the biggest risk most of us take is getting to work on the freeway, we have to substitute for the things that are now missing in our bland, modern lives. Women read romance novels and go to “chick flicks,” and guys vicariously live battle and conquest through sports, gambling, and aggressive business competition, as well as take risks through other extreme activities. Both are satisfying basic instincts they don’t even know they have.

Passion is the key element

Going back to the characteristics and ‘action’, which I want to portray as ‘passion’. Say for example the Mafia movies, or gang types. It’s always said that those who love passionately, hate passionately. The one reason that women have put up with the jealous types is because (to them) it shows the guys care, that it matters to them, and makes them feel special to see how much they are affected. Only later do they see it isn’t necessarily about ‘caring’, or ‘loving’ but about hangups – theirs! Those same men, throw the remote down on the couch, don’t grab the beer, but instead, grab their women in their arms right in the middle of her doing the dishes, and dash off to the bedroom, toss her like a sack-o-taters down on the bed, and yank her panties down to enjoy her! Yeah, that unleashed passion – that ‘action’ man is what gets to us all. That kind of man whose actions say you are ‘taken’, and ‘off limits’ because he has staked his claim makes one feel chosen, wanted, and secure.

You don’t need to read romance novels to know that the reason they sell is because of all the passion! If you ask women and they feel comfortable enough to tell you how it really it, they will say things like “Well, he just seemed to ‘know’ how to play it with me, tossed me on the bed and just had his way! Jumped right into a role play and I was taken right in with his passion”.

That, I think is the key. The action, the heroism (perceived), strength and vitality, but foremost is passion.