Love requires thinking. Thinking gets on the way of sex.

Love wants purity, while sex doesn’t. Love is like ownership, sex is like trespassing. Love dreams about being accepted and allowed. Sex dreams about being prohibited. Most fantasies are taboos.

In the utopia of romantic novels and dating advice, love comes first and sex follows, much later. In the real world sex usually comes first and love is dragged along.

Love is a result of desire. Sex does not depend on desire, just takes it over. Love can get on the way of sex, but not the other way around.

Nobody masturbates to love. Nobody suffers from being horny.

Love dreams about what it can be. Sex gets satisfied with what it is. Love is never completely satisfying because it is based in an impossibility. Sex may be satisfying, if you know how to do it. Love and sex rarely come together, pardon the pun.

Love doesn’t require the presence of the loved one. Sex, even when alone, requires a little “hand”. Some love stories don’t even require a partner; they grow on solitude, memories, or distance. Sex is much more realistic. So love can be a search for an illusion while sex requires the truth.

Single people dream of love. Married people dream of sex.

Love can be somehow ridiculous, especially in the great romance novels and soap operas. Sex can look ridiculous if you turn the movie on in the middle of a scene.

Sex always existed – from the caves all the way to the modern brothels. Romantic love was invented during the Renaissance by the poets, and reinvented by Hollywood. The only way to control love is by programming it, with moral codes and social standards. The way to control sex is by programming it, like the porn industry does with it’s standardized positions and acts. Restrained love protects the status quo. Wild sex is a threat to the peace and stability of everyone.

There are no brothels for love, where the guy can come in and fall in love. But in every brothel they always pretend a little bit of love and romance to “warm up”. Love became a jumpstart for commercial sex.

Make love, not war, they say. Sex wants war. Hate can destroy love, but it may spark some great sex. Love talks a lot. Sex screams, groans, wispers, but does not explain anything.

The problem with love is that it lasts for too long, while sex doesn’t last long enough. The danger of sex is that you can fall in love. The danger of love is that you can fall into becoming friends. In a world of condoms, sex can be safe. But there is no condom to wrap your heart with.

“BDSM” is an acronym of “B&D” (Bondage & Discipline), “D&S” (Dominance & Submission), and “S&M” (sadomasochism). “BDSM” refers to any or all of these things, and a lot of stuff besides.

Tying up your lover is BDSM; so is flogging that person, or bossing that person around, or any of a thousand other things. BDSM is highly erotic, usually (though not always) involves sex or sexual tension; and is highly psychologically charged. One person (the “submissive”) agrees to submit to another person (the “dominant”); or, alternately, one person agrees to receive some sort of sensation, such as spanking, from another.

Some people like to be submissive all the time, some people like to be dominant all the time; some people like to switch, being submissive one day and dominant the next.

Many people practice some element of BDSM in their sexual lives without even being aware of it. They may think of “S&M” as “That sick stuff that people do with whips and cattle prods and stuff,” yet still blindfold one another from time to time, or tie one another down and break out the whipped cream… All of these things are “BDSM.” BDSM is not necessarily hardcore sadomasochism; it can be remarkably subtle and sensual and soft. Pinning your partner to the bed and running silk or ice cubes or rabbit fur over your lover’s body qualifies as “BDSM” (specifically, of a variety called “sensation play”).

A romantic connection (also called pair-bonding) is a deep emotional bond to another individual. The tendency to form a deep emotional bond to another individual is an universal feature of human life.

The connections we form to our partners are designed to keep people together. When we form a connection to a partner – we want to be near that person. And we tend to feel safe and secure when our partners are around. Overall, forming a connection was designed to help create stability. If you are connected to someone and the relationship comes to an end, the sense of loss can be overwhelming – including feelings of uncertainty, fear, and despair.

Humans are designed to form a strong connections to a romantic partner because human offspring are born extremely immature (unable to care for themselves). Individuals who formed a deep connections to their sexual partners were better equipped to raise offspring. And over millions of years of human development, evolution favored people who formed a deep emotional bond to a sexual partner. As such, people living today are all the descendants of individuals who formed an emotional bond to their romantic partners in the past.

Not only are humans designed to form a deep emotional bond to a sexual partner, but the process by which we do so is very similar to how infants form a bond to their primary caregivers.

Human infants universally form a deep emotional attachment to the person who provides the most care (usually a mother). This attachment is designed to keep infants close to their caregivers, which ultimately helped ensured an infant’s survival. When infants form a deep emotional attachment to their caregiver – children feel safe and secure. For infants, attachment figures (caregivers) provide a sense of security and comfort. When separate from their attachment figure, infants will stage a protest (crying and screaming) designed to get their caregiver’s attention.

How do infants know who to form an attachment to?

Infants form an attachment to the caregivers based on the nature and amount of physical contact they have with others. Infants form an attachment to the person who provides the most physical contact – the most kissing, cuddling, caressing, and so on.

And adults do the same when it comes to forming a romantic connection. Adults form a deep emotional connection based on intimate physical contact – kissing and cuddling, etc. If you have repeated intimate contact with another person, you will most likely form a deep connection to that person. Once a connection is formed – people want to spend more time together, feel safe and secure in each other’s presence, and they will experience loss when the relationship comes to an end.

The lesson to be learned? Be careful about whom you have repeated intimate contact with – you are likely to form a strong connection to that person. And once a connection is formed, it can be very difficult to break. Doms especially tend to forget that when they dominate someone they are creating a two-way street where both will feel increasingly connected emotionally.

Meeting Fateweaver and you was half chance and half design. If you want to understand the design part of it read about spiders on my blog. One thing was clear as soon as we met: You were together. Not just in the sense of being there at the same time, I could tell that the connection between you two was strong and congruent.

Over the following week we met a few more times and made more common friends. At this point I could see that there was something under the surface. The way you talked to each other and the signals you sent out to the world were clear: You were both curious and very open-minded.

So with some conversations that delved into the private and more interesting aspects of our lives I invited you both to come to my place where I would “show you some kinky stuff”. You didn’t know what was going to happen, but I had a very good idea.

Let’s see, how do I describe this so you find yourself picturing it clearly in your mind now… Fateweaver is a true Dom in the sense that his impulses and interests are those of a Dom, but he didn’t have much of the language and basic techniques, so I proceeded to show some of it, and at every turn you reacted amazingly well. You were excited and happy like a kitten with a new toy. Each time I touched you I made it in such a way to let the slut inside of you come out to the surface. But up to that point I think all we had discovered was things you already knew at some level or another. You knew you liked to have your hair pulled. You knew you liked to be tied up. You knew you liked to be called a slut and more. You knew you liked to have your ass abused. Biting you and tying you up were things you enjoyed, but not something you couldn’t have imagined or possibly done already. You enjoyed not knowing who was fucking you but that was not breaking any major new ground for you.

I wanted to take you over the edge, see what is on the other side. Also needed to be free from the limits of my own inhibitions and time constraints so I could take you further. Fateweaver was surprisingly mature and understanding when you asked him for permission to see me alone. And despite the tribulations of it we are all happy he did.

What fascinated me was that I knew it was going to be perfect even before our meeting started. Where something within senses how intense it’s going to be, and you can hear that voice in your subconscious saying “How surprised would you be to find yourself actually looking back and realizing that was the moment when everything changed, laughing and having the best time, and you find yourself starting to feel really comfortable with that. As you think about it like that, doesn’t it just seem natural that we all met and spent some time together?” That’s what I remember…. and it’s a wonderful feeling, wasn’t it?

I knew I had to enter the dark realms of your soul that haven’t been visited yet. I had to enter that dark cave and wake up the monster inside, without knowing if that monster would be docile or hostile. I had to do it because that is what you needed, but also because that is what I wanted. Something in me gets excited by curiosity and empowered by your trust and then anything can happen.

Making you feel like you were out of your element, away from your protector, then helpless, then frightened, was one of the most beautiful acts of removing the covers that hide a person’s true nature. As each new layer was removed and I approached your inner truth it became clear to me, and to you, that you thrive on helplessness, that you finally embraced your true nature and by not having to worry about your own pleasure and serving the desires of someone else you found freedom.

Life’s most fundamental dynamic is the attempt to move from a lower level of experience and consciousness to a higher level of consciousness. From a diffuse identity to a more consolidated and structured identity. That transformation is so clear in you that it is visible on the way you move an on the way you look at Fateweaver. Your eyes shine differently now. I can see it. He can see it.

You are lucky you have a loving and mature Dom. I created a monster that very few men can feed. If you were alone you would be lost. Under less trustworthy company you would be in a downward spiral of abuse and havoc.

I love changing people’s lives for better. Above all I love women and awakening their sensuality became a fabulous source of pleasure and happiness in my own life. Seeing that I touched someone’s reality for better, seeing that I helped a woman become more free and happy is what I love the most. I believe I helped change your life and, by doing that, I transformed myself.

“Submissive” is a label used to describe a partner who takes the passive, receiving, or obedient role within a sexual context.

Here the term submissive typically refers to the partner who accepts the control of, and is obedient to the authority of, her Dominant partner within a sexual experience.

The submission of a partner is seldom absolute, often operating within a set of defined limits. A common means that submissives use to signal a Dominant partner that their limits are being approached, pushed, or even crossed is the use of safewords.

“Erotic submission is a contract between two equals, an expression of trust, and effective avenue to arousal, and a potent means of self-expression. To let another person into your heart and mind, to give him or her the ‘keys to the kingdom,’ and to trust that this person will not abuse that gift can create sexual magic. “ from Nina Hartley’s Guide to Total Sex

If you had a chance to try anything one time, what would that be?

The question suggests “trying anything without consequences” and that is territory of fantasies, sexual in nature or not. The fundamental component of fantasies is that they exist only for their elasticity, their ability to instantly incorporate any new character, image or idea – or, as in dreams, to which they bear so close a relationship – to contain conflicting ideas simultaneously. They expand, heighten, distort or exaggerate reality, taking one further, faster in the direction in which the unashamed unconscious already knows it wants to go. They present the astonished self with the incredible, the opportunity to entertain the impossible^*.

One of the greatest discoveries I had during these last few years was to learn that women also have and express their fantasies in ways that are more rich and interesting than men. Nacy Friday’s book and some others were like finding a little window with a view to another world.

* Shamelessly adapted from My Secret Garden, by Nancy Friday

Everything I’ve experienced has led me to believe that when it comes to BDSM, there are two main categories of people: there are kinksters, people who enjoy the lifestyle and find pleasure in certain aspects of it; and then there are a smaller category of people who seek it out because they recognize in themselves an innate need to dominate or submit. It doesn’t need a name or a definition. It is just there, lurking in the subconscious, waiting to be unleashed on the conscious mind. The latter category of people are the ones I am most interested in, as it is the category I belong to.

I’ve met many people who engage in BDSM activities, such as bondage or spanking, but who insist they are “not into that BDSM stuff.” Usually, it’s because they have an idea in their heads about what BDSM is, like “BDSM means wearing a leather mask and being chained to a wall and whipped, and I don’t like that, so I’m not into BDSM.” But BDSM desn’t necessarily mean wearing a hood and being chained to the wall. If you like being lightly spanked, or light bondage excites you, then you’re into BDSM.

Some people love the aesthetic of an elaborate form of bondage; others simply aren’t interested in the bondage elements at all. The key to all these different forms of BDSM, though, is the exchange of power or sensation. One person (the “bottom” or “submissive”) is choosing to allow the other person (the “top” or “dominant”) to have control over him or her in some way, or to inflict sensation in some way. Perhaps it means allowing the other person to tie him up, perhaps it means allowing the other person to spank her, whatever.

Fear can prevent someone from moving forward or from trying certain sexual acts. Those fears usually come from unfamiliarity or inexperience, or from bad experiences from the past, or from bad associations that came from watching, reading, or being told that some act is dangerous, painful, unhealthy, demeaning, or humiliating. Those fears commonly cause some people to tense up or shy away.

Most fear is created by anticipation and by projecting thought forward. In a moment of true pain or danger there would be no anticipation, just action or reaction. Fear can also be indirect. A sub may not fear the act itself, but doubt the capacity of the Dom to do it correctly and safely. Fear also comes afterwards when you think about what could have happened.

The same kind of fear reaction can occur when about to engage in something new. The deep instincts we have of fight or flight cause us to tense our muscles.

An experienced Dom must know when to use fear and when to avoid it. He can use fear, even provoke it, with the intention of tensing the sub and heightening her senses, stimulating and intensifying the experience. He may also use trust, care, comfort and orientation to calm down, prepare and relax the sub prior to a challenging act or situation.

Those are moments when I don’t advocate the use of alcohol or drugs at all. If you can’t calm down someone to do something while sober you shouldn’t try it with her drunk either. A [pseudo]Dom that needs to intoxicate a sub to have his way is a faker and potentially a criminal. I am not against the use of alcohol or even drugs as recreational items and to have fun at other moments, but during sex in general and BDSM in particular.

Driven by fashion magazines and porn, millions of women subject themselves to acrobatic exercises at beauty spas to shave their pubic hair. They endure that gynecologic exam routine and leave happy with just a narrow patch (if any) of hair, very nicely called a “landing strip”, the harmless euphemism to suggest the destination of our desires. Pop culture, from fashion to porn, also created billion dollars industries of silicone, hair coloring, tanning, botoxes, implants, sexy clothing, and gym memberships, all trying to satisfy the cravings of millions of sexually charged consumers.

Looking at TV, magazines, mainstream movies and porn, in the rare occasions when you are not horny, you could easily see that matrix of perfection and performance that is far from the reality of normal human beings. Open any of the modern sexy magazines and all you will see are things. Things made of pure visual perfection, not women with doubts, shortcomings, and fears. All you see are girls competing for your very short attention span in desperate positions and absurd clothing, or lack of it. There is nothing left to be exposed. No cavity, crease, fluid or shape was left to imagination.

The virtual woman is out there to humiliate and destroy us. She raises us up with our dreams just to let us drop flat on the ground when we can’t find her in the real world. She is looking at us in the eyes, with her wonderful eyes and mouth like saying “Take me! I am always ready, I am always happy, always horny, always yours”.

Women want wealth, passion, connection, status, respect, and love. But the virtual one poses with an ostentatious attitude, or seductive vulnerability and pretends that it is you that wants her and that she is the top prize. The virtual woman suggests a disposition she doesn’t actually have in order not to bother her consumers with the inconveniences of her needs.

The virtual woman offers the ultimate experience, Nirvana packaged as orgasm. She is the goddess in a market paradise, the last stage of a video game that men can only reach by passing through a lifetime of stages where they need to acquire success, money, BMWs, Gucci, Armani’s and prestige. This woman is the final prize for a narcissistic lifestyle. She looks so perfect that she may even seem to not require any partner, able to be a lover of herself.

Unfortunately feminism has been followed by (or degenerated into) an expression of freedom that transformed women, and men, into replaceable objects with the purpose of sexual satisfaction. The competition, fueled by pop culture, creates way more anxiety and depression than any satisfaction, sexual or otherwise. Women no longer own their bodies, now their bodies own them.

Packaged in layers of fine clothes and jewelry and spray tanning, covering perfectly shaped breasts and the finest underwear that looks like the gift wrapping for divine pleasure… You can’t even see the real woman beneath all that! You are standing in awe in front of all this perfection, feeling insufficient with your ordinary life style, and impotent with your ordinary bank account.

Our sexual desires have been programmed by others, by industries that arouse our desires to sell us the promise of satisfaction, yet never deliver.

When you meet these girls, models, porn stars, strippers, escorts, dancers… you actually find women that are insecure or not, openminded or conventional, smart or dumb, but they will never have a chance to express their real values and personalities in the movies and magazines because there is no consumer demand for women that have loving husbands, happily taking care of kids, and solving problems in the real world. These women want to love and be loved, but need to spend their time laboring at virtual and real-life brothels.

Just like luxury cars, or consumer electronics, every year they come up more perfect and more intangible. We now have web sites, escort services, and gentlemen’s clubs full of girls with amazing robotic bodies and scripted conversations. These beautiful women are paid so they don’t exist but will rather be an impossible dream. They need no food or stupid conversation, or suffering, or connection, just your cash.

Freedom and lack of education seems to liberate women and make them free to choose, but that is an illusion. In a society plagued by prejudice, religious fundamentalism, and inequality like ours, we end up with objectified women thinking they are free. They are enclosed in avatars of sexual expression that only hide lonesome insecure women, hungry for love and wealth.

It’s no secret that male and female sexuality differ. Many men feel sex is a recurring physical need – the daily physical release of sexual tension or energy, while many women might view the same act in more experiential terms, adding romance, intimacy, closeness, or sensuality to the mix. We all know how these differences can lead to misunderstandings in marriage or relationships, so this isn’t really news.

But these blanket generalizations only tell part of the story, however, because we are complex beings. Sometimes a woman might fantasize about being taken forcefully (not forcibly) into the stairwell of an office building by a handsome stranger she just passed in the hall. She might imagine being pressed up against the wall and being taken with great passion and physicality. And alternatively, a man might have times when he really does want to be held, nurtured and loved and “make love” rather than just have sex.

But even when we’re alike, we’re different.  The thought of that sexual fantasy might sustain a woman’s passion for weeks as she replays the scenario in her head- even though she has no intention of ever following through or making it a reality. Whereas the same fantasy for a man would usually only be a turn-on if it was in anticipation of the actual event somehow being fulfilled.

Most men feel horny again just a few hours after having sex and have trouble with the repetition of routine it creates. That is alleviated by fantasies, by watching porn, or by just observing, and desiring, other women. This isn’t that uncommon for men, ladies, so don’t get all insulted. Aside from the obvious fact that many men want or need sex almost continuously, the real issue here is that a lot of guys aren’t that “experiential.” This means they’d rather buy a new truck or a flat TV than go to Europe with you. Stated another way, many guys place a higher priority on durable goods than temporary experiences. How many husband/wife or BF/GF conflicts arise over this one difference?

But getting back to experiences vs. things – people that are more experiential will be more likely to incorporate, and want, some sort of emotional or romantic component into their sex life, rather than just approach it as satisfying a physical need. Regardless of gender, these types will be happiest with sexual encounters that enhance intimacy in various ways. I’d speculate that the majority of women fall into this group, as well as some men – they can even be the same men who at other times just want a quick, no-frills release. As I said, we’re complex beings, and neither an individual or an entire gender lives exclusively in one camp or the other.

If a guy is in the group that views sex as a recurring physical need, and not part of a larger act of intimacy, then he will feel this need can be satisfied in many different ways, or with many different people. He will also be willing to pay for this. In this sense, his daily physical sexual needs become commodified. If someone, male or female, views a service or product as a commodity, then it is inevitable that it will be shopped on the basis of price and value. We all do it everyday – at the grocery store, at the gas station, at the mall.

“How dare he call me a commodity?” most women think to themselves… Fair enough, you are a unique individual, not a commodity, and you certainly don’t think you are offering a commodity service. But my point is, many of your customers (oops! I’m sorry I meant to say your partners…) think they are buying a commodity service, because that physical sexual need can be satisfied in many places and in many alternative ways. Again, the reason being is that if you’re just going to be horny again later that day or the next day for sure, then price/value, which enables greater frequency, is also an important consideration. That’s not to say that many other men don’t value a high-priced courtesan experience, or spending the weekend with his high-maintenance hot girlfriend, or that the same guy who goes for quantity one day, doesn’t want a higher quality experience the next. Just as in the same way we all can appreciate a fine meal, even though we know we’ll be hungry the next day. But in reality, the daily fare for most of us is rather more generic. And the daily sexual fare for most of us isn’t a high-priced courtesan or seductive lover… it’s one of the many lower cost alternatives, including booty calls, porn, or self-service.

I’d bet that nearly every guy that has seen an escort has, at one time or another, thought he really should have used that money for something else – maybe the car needed new tires or he needed a new suit for work, or the rent is due.  Those needs don’t go away, and they’re still waiting for you when you get home. For the guys who are more motivated by things rather than experiences, spending money in this manner (on experiences) is difficult, especially when you know you’re letting something else slide. Also, and this is the big one, when you know you WILL want sex again later that day and hate yourself for having “blown” the money on what was a fleeting pleasure.

Ladies, you can attack this all you like, but this is a look into the inner dialog most men have with themselves before they call you on a date. The exceptions are the affluent, who have enough money to avoid making these hard choices, or those who place a greater premium on experience, and will gladly pay (in money, or gifts, or picking up the tab) for a satisfying time, regardless of the alternative uses for those funds – these guys don’t really care, as long as they had a unique and satisfying time.

It’s usually an insult to women who are not sex workers to state that many guys will go through this thought process. After all, this issue in its many forms is the most common problem between husbands and wives. Keep in mind too, that it is the guys who CAN’T see the alternative sources in which their money can be spent, or are unable to prioritize their expenditures in a rational manner in order to make the right choices that get into trouble in this activity. These are the guys that are out of control, falling in love with escorts, acting in an addictive manner, or becoming stalkers.

For most of us, life is a daily juggling act between what we want and what we can afford. It’s one of the things that makes satisfying our desires all the sweeter when that actually occurs.  But it also can lead to feelings of guilt or remorse in many people. This doesn’t make guys that feel this way jerks, it just shows they are human.