It’s no secret that male and female sexuality differ. Many men feel sex is a recurring physical need – the daily physical release of sexual tension or energy, while many women might view the same act in more experiential terms, adding romance, intimacy, closeness, or sensuality to the mix. We all know how these differences can lead to misunderstandings in marriage or relationships, so this isn’t really news.
But these blanket generalizations only tell part of the story, however, because we are complex beings. Sometimes a woman might fantasize about being taken forcefully (not forcibly) into the stairwell of an office building by a handsome stranger she just passed in the hall. She might imagine being pressed up against the wall and being taken with great passion and physicality. And alternatively, a man might have times when he really does want to be held, nurtured and loved and “make love” rather than just have sex.
But even when we’re alike, we’re different. The thought of that sexual fantasy might sustain a woman’s passion for weeks as she replays the scenario in her head- even though she has no intention of ever following through or making it a reality. Whereas the same fantasy for a man would usually only be a turn-on if it was in anticipation of the actual event somehow being fulfilled.
Most men feel horny again just a few hours after having sex and have trouble with the repetition of routine it creates. That is alleviated by fantasies, by watching porn, or by just observing, and desiring, other women. This isn’t that uncommon for men, ladies, so don’t get all insulted. Aside from the obvious fact that many men want or need sex almost continuously, the real issue here is that a lot of guys aren’t that “experiential.” This means they’d rather buy a new truck or a flat TV than go to Europe with you. Stated another way, many guys place a higher priority on durable goods than temporary experiences. How many husband/wife or BF/GF conflicts arise over this one difference?
But getting back to experiences vs. things – people that are more experiential will be more likely to incorporate, and want, some sort of emotional or romantic component into their sex life, rather than just approach it as satisfying a physical need. Regardless of gender, these types will be happiest with sexual encounters that enhance intimacy in various ways. I’d speculate that the majority of women fall into this group, as well as some men – they can even be the same men who at other times just want a quick, no-frills release. As I said, we’re complex beings, and neither an individual or an entire gender lives exclusively in one camp or the other.
If a guy is in the group that views sex as a recurring physical need, and not part of a larger act of intimacy, then he will feel this need can be satisfied in many different ways, or with many different people. He will also be willing to pay for this. In this sense, his daily physical sexual needs become commodified. If someone, male or female, views a service or product as a commodity, then it is inevitable that it will be shopped on the basis of price and value. We all do it everyday – at the grocery store, at the gas station, at the mall.
“How dare he call me a commodity?” most women think to themselves… Fair enough, you are a unique individual, not a commodity, and you certainly don’t think you are offering a commodity service. But my point is, many of your customers (oops! I’m sorry I meant to say your partners…) think they are buying a commodity service, because that physical sexual need can be satisfied in many places and in many alternative ways. Again, the reason being is that if you’re just going to be horny again later that day or the next day for sure, then price/value, which enables greater frequency, is also an important consideration. That’s not to say that many other men don’t value a high-priced courtesan experience, or spending the weekend with his high-maintenance hot girlfriend, or that the same guy who goes for quantity one day, doesn’t want a higher quality experience the next. Just as in the same way we all can appreciate a fine meal, even though we know we’ll be hungry the next day. But in reality, the daily fare for most of us is rather more generic. And the daily sexual fare for most of us isn’t a high-priced courtesan or seductive lover… it’s one of the many lower cost alternatives, including booty calls, porn, or self-service.
I’d bet that nearly every guy that has seen an escort has, at one time or another, thought he really should have used that money for something else – maybe the car needed new tires or he needed a new suit for work, or the rent is due. Those needs don’t go away, and they’re still waiting for you when you get home. For the guys who are more motivated by things rather than experiences, spending money in this manner (on experiences) is difficult, especially when you know you’re letting something else slide. Also, and this is the big one, when you know you WILL want sex again later that day and hate yourself for having “blown” the money on what was a fleeting pleasure.
Ladies, you can attack this all you like, but this is a look into the inner dialog most men have with themselves before they call you on a date. The exceptions are the affluent, who have enough money to avoid making these hard choices, or those who place a greater premium on experience, and will gladly pay (in money, or gifts, or picking up the tab) for a satisfying time, regardless of the alternative uses for those funds – these guys don’t really care, as long as they had a unique and satisfying time.
It’s usually an insult to women who are not sex workers to state that many guys will go through this thought process. After all, this issue in its many forms is the most common problem between husbands and wives. Keep in mind too, that it is the guys who CAN’T see the alternative sources in which their money can be spent, or are unable to prioritize their expenditures in a rational manner in order to make the right choices that get into trouble in this activity. These are the guys that are out of control, falling in love with escorts, acting in an addictive manner, or becoming stalkers.
For most of us, life is a daily juggling act between what we want and what we can afford. It’s one of the things that makes satisfying our desires all the sweeter when that actually occurs. But it also can lead to feelings of guilt or remorse in many people. This doesn’t make guys that feel this way jerks, it just shows they are human.
Driven by fashion magazines and porn, millions of women subject themselves to acrobatic exercises at beauty spas to shave their pubic hair. They endure that gynecologic exam routine and leave happy with just a narrow patch (if any) of hair, very nicely called a “landing strip”, the harmless euphemism to suggest the destination of our desires. Pop culture, from fashion to porn, also created billion dollars industries of silicone, hair coloring, tanning, botoxes, implants, sexy clothing, and gym memberships, all trying to satisfy the cravings of millions of sexually charged consumers.
The basic blueprint
In todays world, the everyday lives of men and women are almost exactly the same: we both get up, deal with the traffic, go to work (deal with some of the exact same work scenarios), drive home and have the same duties to do when we get home and the cycle begins again.
Going back to the characteristics and ‘action’, which I want to portray as ‘passion’. Say for example the Mafia movies, or gang types. It’s always said that those who love passionately, hate passionately. The one reason that women have put up with the jealous types is because (to them) it shows the guys care, that it matters to them, and makes them feel special to see how much they are affected. Only later do they see it isn’t necessarily about ‘caring’, or ‘loving’ but about hangups – theirs! Those same men, throw the remote down on the couch, don’t grab the beer, but instead, grab their women in their arms right in the middle of her doing the dishes, and dash off to the bedroom, toss her like a sack-o-taters down on the bed, and yank her panties down to enjoy her! Yeah, that unleashed passion – that ‘action’ man is what gets to us all. That kind of man whose actions say you are ‘taken’, and ‘off limits’ because he has staked his claim makes one feel chosen, wanted, and secure.
Typically when a man is going to a bar or a club looking for a woman, his ultimate goal is sex. He’s looking for a one night stand, which also means he’s in a hurry. As with anything done in a hurry, this rarely works out well for him.
Everything I’ve experienced has led me to believe that when it comes to BDSM, there are two main categories of people: there are kinksters, people who enjoy the lifestyle and find pleasure in certain aspects of it; and then there are a smaller category of people who seek it out because they recognize in themselves an innate need to dominate or submit. It doesn’t need a name or a definition. It is just there, lurking in the subconscious, waiting to be unleashed on the conscious mind. The latter category of people are the ones I am most interested in, as it is the category I belong to.
In our technocratic and scientific world view the human body is rarely viewed holistically, but understood as an object made up of transferable bits and pieces. Body components can be exchanged or replaced like spare parts: blood transfusions, organ transplants, prosthetic devices, artificial bones and joints, false teeth, plastic surgery, breast and penile implants. We can all be disassembled and reassembled like the cyborgs from our favorite sci-fi flicks.
Individuals who submit control of a large percentage of their day-to-day life to a dominant partner, or who submit within a formal set of rules and rituals are sometimes referred to using the term slave, which is distinctly different from the historical use of the term, and the practice of this type of consensual sexual slavery is different from the historical practice of slavery.
“Submissive” is a label used to describe a partner who takes the passive, receiving, or obedient role within a sexual context.